April 25, 2007

Mail's Here

I've just brought in the mail. Only, it's no longer mail. It's a daily inundation of flyers and circulars that go directly into my blue box. Why am I trying desperately to reduce, reuse and recycle, and all these idiotic companies continue to fell trees to entice me to buy products I not only don't want, but that I will now purposely go out of my way to avoid?

Today yielded no bills, and no cheques. Fine. I can live with that. But listen up, KFC. There are still those of us who haven't forgotten that 'KFC' stands for Kentucky FRIED chicken - your food is not allowed in this house. Ever. Quit sending me flyers. To LAZBOY Galleries (not a typo - it's spelled that way) - I have never been in your store. When you send me a sheet of paper that says 'exclusive invitation', I'm not buying it. Or your stuff. Get a website, take out an ad in the local paper, quit giving me phoney invites.

To every pizza place on the planet: I have a pizza place. We all do. Families pick pizza places like men pick underwear - pick a brand and stick with it for life. Stop sending me flyers. Advertise in the paper. It's Fruit of the Looms on our arses, and Gino's on our plates.

To Direct Energy and Burlington Hydro: You have both already sent me bills this month. Surely you could have enclosed your circulars and coupons with my bill? Why have I received further folders from both of you? Can you people please get your act together and stop filling my mailbox?

To the local crematorium: Thank you for caring. The fact of the matter, is I'm going to think about this when I have to, and I'll know where to find you. And if I go first, it's not my problem. Stop wrecking my day.

To all the Singles Clubs: Bugger off. Have you heard of a thing called the Internet? If a potential client of yours hasn't, they're too old or too young for your services anyway.

If I have been in your store, you may include me in your mailing list. Unless I've checked that little box that says I prefer to be contacted electronically, which is likely - I'm sick of all of you wasting so much paper. To all the utilities who insist on sending me return envelopes, surely you recognize that most of us pay you on-line or at the bank. For crying out loud - just mail the bill.

I'm not trying to kill the flyer business. The best use for the local paper is to bundle up all those flyers so I can read them on a Saturday morning. I like them. I'm sure I'm going to hell for my guilty pleasure of perusing things I have no intention of buying, but hey, aside from the WalMart one, I may shop there one day.

Just quit stuffing my mailbox and railings with papers that go directly into my blue box. Or, if the wind is just right, that sail around the neighbourhood before they become wedged in someone's fence. One decent ad in the local paper will be far more effective - trust me. Let people enter some contest you run, and build your email list that way. And to any direct mailers that are going to refute me - give it just a little more time. People are going to get steamed at the waste of resources going into this.


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