September 6, 2007


Yeah, I'll give Ernie his own headline. I usually work out with Adam, but today I thought I'd give myself a tiny break. I will never learn.

I'm trying to do a thousand things at once before I leave for Argentina. Yes, I'm a leaving-my-household newbie. I go no place, and it shows. I have notes to myself to order the cats' food, to freeze a couple of dinners, and to leave numbers where the tribe is to show up for dinner when I'm gone. I hope Jayne and Arlene are reading this.

I've had shots in various parts of my body, prescriptions filled for ailments that can afflict those who come in contact with dangerous ice cubes, and I've been told to pack for weather that veers from summerish to below zero. Oh, and I have an allowance of 33 pounds. The prescriptions alone will take up half of that.

My newly acquired muscles will be needed more for heaving satchels through airports than actually wrestling a Land Rover, I fear. I'm asking my editor all manner of silly questions, and he is humouring me. Bless him.

So today, I thought I'd give myself a wee break. Ernie is never as tough on me as Adam. He's the kinder, gentler version. He has this thing he does at the end of a workout where he sits behind you and stretches your arms and shoulders. It's wonderful and calming. Adam undoes my boxing gloves, says 'good job, you smell like a bog' and that's that.

I am a fool. Ernie delicately killed me. I didn't even know until a few hours after I got home. He made me do pullups with this big rubber bank around one knee. I started cheating and bouncing with my free leg. He wasn't impressed. He then literally lifted me up and hoisted me over the bar. The man is a beast.

There's a runner's club of ladies that come in to work out, and I gaze longingly at them as they laugh and help each other, sharing a comraderie and basically ignoring Adam's stern looks as they literally fill the gym with their shared efforts. I am jealous of their kinship; I am jealous of their fitness; I am jealous of their cute little outfits.

Maybe one day I'll join a runner's club, but without the running. Until then, I will alternate between Adam pretending he's tougher than he is, and Ernie pretending he's sweeter than he is. Either way, I know I'll still end up back with them any time I have to prepare for anything - they'll be thrilled to find out I finally understand my brain is tied to my body, and where one goes the other will follow.

Right now my body is following my brain onto the couch with a glass of wine. Oh, and Ernie? You forgot my stretching.


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