September 17, 2008


Webgod Jeff

So. Webgod Jeff just left. I was sitting here this morning when the phone rang.
"Hello?". Dead air. "Hello??" Finally, a voice from a land far, far away answered.
"It's me. Where's that computer place?"

Now, you have to realize that WGJ and I never, ever talk on the phone. I can count on one hand the number of times. We use email exclusively, so I don't even know his numbers, and I hardly recognize his cell phone garbled voice. But when he does call, he just starts talking like we're in the middle of some conversation, and I'm supposed to know who it is. Which I never do.

"I dunno. On Harvester," I told him. "Where are you?"
"Getting off the highway. Where on Harvester? Where is Harvester?" he demanded. He's very demanding.
"Wait, wait..." I started looking up the name and location. I knew where he meant, because we'd found it last year when he was fixing my computer for me. "Computer Corner..."
"I don't care what it's called! Where is it?"
Now, I have a wee problem with norths and souths and easts and wests. I prefer to use rights and lefts, ups and downs in my directions. I finally told him where it kind of was, heard him sigh, and hang up. I then started a pot of coffee.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang again.
"You putting coffee on? I'm coming by...."

We have odd visits. We drink coffee, and he bitches about the stuff I write. Today was no exception. He told me if I write any more politics stuff, he was going to kill me. "Enough with the politics! What's wrong with you? I don't even read your blog when you keep doing that crap! Write something better!"

I pay this man, and this is how he talks to me.

I started explaining that with two elections going on simultaneously, it was hard to avoid. He disagreed. "You're never supposed to talk about religion, politics or money," he told me. "Or sex," I added. "No, sex is fine. You can talk about sex," he replied. I told him politics can be as much fun as sex for some people. He looked at me like I had finally lost it.

In honour of Webgod Jeff's request, this post is not about politics. It is about him. There are things you don't know about WGJ, and I promised to get him back for the post he wrote about me earlier this summer.

1. Jeff has an adorable son named Steven. He's 18 months old (about), smart, sweet and obviously, a great deal like his mother. He was named Steven with a 'v' not a 'ph', because "that's just stupid when people spell it that way."

2. He takes waaaaaay too much sugar in his coffee. Like, 3 spoons too much.

3. He gets drunk easy. (*Edit: Jeff has just emailed me and said he doesn't get drunk easily. Yeah. Okay, Jeff. If this gets deleted, it means he went in and changed it.)

4. He is so sarcastic that after 2 and a half years, I still don't know when he's kidding.

5. One of his all time favourite bands is Journey. Or maybe Foreigner. They sound the same to me.

6. In a conversation that will live in infamy, we sat here discussing the whole concept of men having intimate knowledge of farm animals. Do not ask how we got to that topic - the conversations range far and wide. Anyway, WGJ was particularly appalled at the concept of anyone having relations with something like a chicken. "I mean, at least with a sheep, it's kind of soft, at least..."

7. On many, many occasions, he has hopped in his car and come all the way out here to save me from my computer. Or to save my computer from me. He lives a good half hour away, so this is very kind. It's usually because he can't make any sense out of what I'm telling him the machine is, or is not, doing.

8. He spends a great deal of time in my presence being exasperated. (*see his note on my upside down mouse)

9. There are commenters on my blog he occasionally wants to throttle in my defense. There are commenters on my blog he occasionally wants to throttle in his own defense.

10. He makes amazing websites, and has a terrific creative ability that sometimes remains hidden beneath the computer geekness of his job. If I suggest something he doesn't agree with, he says "that's really stupid, no" and proposes something that is usually better. So I let him get away with calling me stupid.

37 Comments:

Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

First of all, your recollection of the phone conversation leaves much to be desired...

September 17, 2008 3:19 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Oh sure, start picking...I believe I left *your* blog on me alone....

September 17, 2008 3:29 PM  
Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

Yes, but I didn't make stuff up!!

September 17, 2008 5:00 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

How much wine was involved in the conversation of men and their farm fantasies?

DJW

September 17, 2008 5:37 PM  
Blogger DonnaG said...

WGJ sounds like somebody who could do a good job on a web site I need building. Can I have his number ... oops ... email address?

On the other hand, if I have to discuss sheep with him, perhaps I should keep searching.

September 17, 2008 8:53 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

www.slypigpro.com - there's a link on my home page.

I'll tell him to leave the sheep out of it...

(But I highly recommend him. my Toronto Star editor just had him do a new site for his book launch, and it's awesome - check it out - www.zenandnow.org)

September 17, 2008 9:30 PM  
Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

That's taken out of context! I wasn't endorsing sheep either!

September 17, 2008 10:53 PM  
Blogger DonnaG said...

www.zenandnow.org

Yup. WGJ definitely has talent.

September 18, 2008 7:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AND the band played, Old McDonald had a farm in the background, right?

R...

September 18, 2008 7:40 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Better that than the "Deliverance" theme song.

September 18, 2008 9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or maybe Deliverance theme played in between Old McDonald's farm and Mary had a Little Lamb?

Lorraine: Look what you have started...

R...

September 18, 2008 9:36 AM  
Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

Yes...look what you have started...

September 18, 2008 9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeff: The treatment you get from Lorraine is terrible.

R...

September 18, 2008 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

Sure is! She knows damn well I only put 2 sugars in my coffee.

September 18, 2008 11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, charge Lorraine double from now on for the agro. Now I am in trouble for that suggestion. Maybe it will take some of the heat off you though? LOL!!! Fool her the next time, don't use any sugar...

R...

September 18, 2008 11:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol was waiting for find out what the payback would be..

You two are so awesome! always great entertainment!

September 19, 2008 9:02 AM  
Blogger Nursedude said...

Is there any possible context into which one can place the subject of sexual relations between men, chickens and sheep that doesn't come across as disturbing?

September 19, 2008 9:57 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Oh sure, but some topics have been around as long there have been animals....and men....and jokes. The history of literary references alone would boggle the mind.

For the record (though I admit WGJ is being a hell of a sport about this) I'm positive I was the one who brought it up. I have a whole list of conversation starters guaranteed to light up a room.

September 19, 2008 10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lorraine: Yes, you started it all but payback is a bitch.

Jeff... Go easy.

Conversation starters? Go ahead, light up the room. We all need a good laugh once and awhile.

R...

September 19, 2008 12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WGJ's taken enough abuse. He's had to drink Lorraine's coffee. ha ha

her sister

no wonder he needs three sugars.

September 19, 2008 7:28 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

At least I know how to work the comments section so I don't have to keep saying stupid things like 'her sister'.

September 19, 2008 8:52 PM  
Blogger Nursedude said...

It's always good to have that list of conversation starters handy. It's amazing how the right phrase will either have you surrounded by titillated hangers-on or standing by ones self in the corner wondering where everyone went.

September 20, 2008 8:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate you. besides, some of us have other stuff to do.

no longer your sister.

September 20, 2008 1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lorraine: Look what you have started now. Your sister has washed her hands of you. There goes another recipe out the window. Sell the stove. You are burning too many bridges this week...

R...

September 20, 2008 1:48 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

Oh no!

Now there is a rift in the Twisted Sisters due to sheep buggering?

Or is because of too much sugar?

I'm lost

DJW

September 20, 2008 7:18 PM  
Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

Can we PLEASE get back to me??

September 20, 2008 7:44 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

Ok Jeff,

How do you really feel about sheep herding?

DJW

September 20, 2008 9:47 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

Say,

Is there a limit to the number of comments we can make on this thing?
If it gets to fifty, does it, like, implode?
And am I one of the ones Jeff wants alone in an alley?

DJW

September 20, 2008 10:16 PM  
Anonymous Webgod Jeff said...

Sheep herding is best left to the professionals.

September 21, 2008 8:13 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

As for limits, comments are like sheep. As long as you can find a willing one...

September 21, 2008 8:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Baaaaaaaaaa! And there is another one.

R...

September 21, 2008 8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

L,

'ewe' ought to be ashamed

September 21, 2008 10:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be thankful we don't live in New Zealand. Oh, just the thought. It would ever end.

R...

September 21, 2008 10:17 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

OK, I've been holding back, but now here we go...

"Can you make a ewe turn?"

"Hell no, but I can sure make her eyses pop!"

And please, Ladies, will the Twisted Sisters please kiss and make up, or at least present a reasonable front of friendship or something to the masses?

September 21, 2008 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did someone say "Ba Ba Black Sheep"?.. Twisted Sisters make up? Just depends what Lorraine is cooking I guess, and a recipe is needed?

R...

September 21, 2008 12:02 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

Arlene!

Will you get in here and straighten this mess out!

Please!

Someone needs to gain control of this unruly mob.

DJW

September 21, 2008 4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Time to digress...

"Theres nutnin like mutton!"...Gene Wilder

September 22, 2008 2:53 PM  

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