March 5, 2009


Coronation Street

That was your obvious warning. If you're not in the club, don't read any further.
Note: My sister Roz has been watching this tripe for 30 years or more. My mother did not watch it - she only indulged in nighttime soaps. The Poor Sod got hooked by watching it with Roz at the cottage, or on Sunday mornings when she was here. He finally swore off it a year ago...and I started watching. There are many who say it is the only reason the CBC is still in business. It is the world's oldest running soap opera - it started in 1960.

The great part of Corn Street is that it doesn't pretend to be anything but what it is: a goofy on-going saga about a whole bunch of people who for some reason all live together, work together, and go to a pub conveniently located on their street - every.single.day. In the real world, they would be called 'alcoholics'. But on my TV, they are called 'Streeters'.

Anyway. Some of the original cast are still on. Do not bother writing to correct me on tiny details - I've only been watching a year, and some parts I just make up as I go along. My favourite oldster is the one I call Polish Hip. She's the bitchy know-it-all who says she was so broke she had to go to Poland to get her hip replaced. Her name is Blanche. Blanche is a hoot.

Jack and Vera have been around forever, though Vera died awhile ago, right on camera. That's how bad she wanted off this soap. Now Jack is hanging around as his kids wait for him to die so they can have the house. Jack is the only person who doesn't seem to get this.

Another old guy, Fred, was the owner of the pub and the butcher shop. I read that when he told producers he wanted to cut his hours back, they just canned him outright. He said it was just too much screen time. I'm thinking, buddy, it's a pretend pub and butcher shop. You don't actually do any work. And the only people who get lots of screen time on this show are the young 'uns who'll pose in their undies.

A rotten little snot, David, is finally in jail for pushing his weird mother, Gail, down the stairs. I would have pushed her too, actually, but that's not the point. He's a prototypical spoiled brat. And his mother has no chin. I wouldn't say that in real life, but Gail is just such a weak-arse I can't help it. I figure when she's out looking for a chin, she might bump into Ken Barlow, out looking for a spine.

Ken is another original. He's kind of beige and boring. But his wife, Deidre (whom I call Dreary) is a whining pain. Truly. No redeeming qualities. No wonder Ken runs around looking for other old women.

The Poor Sod and I have an ongoing disagreement about Audrey's hair. He thinks it's a wig. She runs a hairdressing shop, and has the weirdest hair. When construction worker Jason smoked a bunch of bats out of a building, to anger Roy, who is already on the verge of tears just waking up each day, I really believed all the bats flew up into Audrey's hair, and they're still there. You'd never know.

Simpering little Maria works with Audrey. She got herself knocked up by Liam, who of course married her. Not believing her good fortune in landing a guy with all his teeth, she immediately set about driving him away. It worked. He landed in evil Carla's clutches - his very own sister-in-law. About the only thing they draw the line at in this show is brothers and sisters sleeping together. But if the ratings sag...

Carla is really hot. She rides a broom and is evil, but, she's hot, so all the guys want her. We know she's a serious business woman because they show her in her office once in a while and she wears over the knee leather boots, because everyone knows that is a very professional look. She dates a guy Tony, who speaks with such a thick Scot accent, I never know if he is saying "Carla, you know I love you" or "I have piece of moss caught in my tooth".

There's a couple called Sally and Kevin and their two daughters. Daughter One is Rosie the Tart, and the other one is an angel, so I forget her name. Sally is a whiner (come to think of it, most of the women on this show are kind of heinous...) and Kevin looks like a put-upon monkey living with all these women. Poor Kevin.

My favourite character is young Kirk's new girlfriend. Kirk is stone stupid. I love him. He's as dull as paste, and just so happy about it. He's landed himself a middle-aged nutter who can't shut up.

Speaking of middle-aged nutters, top points go to Liz, who now owns the pub. I don't know how they keep coming up with outfits for her. No matter what she wears, she looks like 30 pounds of cougar in a 10 pound lycra sack. One of the barmaids, Michelle is really pretty, and half her age. Christopher, my son, sometimes wanders in the room when they're taking advantage of Michelle's prettiness, and steering the camera down her shirt. He calls it Porn Street. Then they do it to Liz and he runs screaming from the room. Like he does if I wear a push-up bra. Some sights are not for young eyes.

There's a chick named Leanne who somehow was a prostitute last year, and now everyone's forgiven her and she's just a regular person again. I think they're just happy because now they can all go back to getting it for free.

If there's a character I'd like to push off a cliff, it's Claire. She's this snippy, sulky moron who believes she's waaaaaaaaay smarter than she actually is. Everyone knows a Claire. Everyone wants to push their Claire off a cliff, too. Knowing this show, someone will probably push Claire off a cliff during the next ratings sweeps.

There's a gay couple, who are the most normal ones on the show.

Everyone works in an underwear factory. And at the pub. In order to get all the characters in every scene, they make them have 3 jobs. They can also work at a place called a 'kee-bab' shop. That's how they pronounce it. These people eat horribly. And swill it all down with beer.

What's crazy is that in the real world, they'd be dropping dead of heart attacks. But because it's Coronation Street, they get shot and stabbed and drowned and run over. Nobody goes pretty on the Street.

I only watch because it's on after the news when I'm cleaning up after dinner.

Really.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will likely be ok. Just don't change your vacation plans to go visit the real Coronation Street. My buddies wife did that to him and I haven't seen him in 4 years.
W.
PS. Eventually I will sign up for a real name.W will have to suffice for now.

March 05, 2009 4:12 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

Nope.

Not buying it.

There is no way I can picture you, in a gingham apron, scouring the tea kettle whilst following your soap.

April 1st is still a few weeks away.

Man vs. Wild or Mythbusters I might believe.

DJW

March 05, 2009 8:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lorraine: My Lord. You are slipping. This is an indication of old age watching Coronation Street. An Amercian style soap opera with British accents. Hummm. CBC still carries it because the Queen is still watching. Must keep the Monarchy alive you know, in Canada, at our expense.

DJ...Motorcycle Moma, Coronation Street. They don't fit. A blonde moment prehaps? It will pass...

Tally Ho folks...

Rob...

March 06, 2009 4:51 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

My Mother and at least two of the 'Hood (sisters)watch this religiously. Mum has been watching pretty much since it went on the air.

Even I (I'm about to date myself) remember some of the original cast... Elsie Tanner, Ena Sharples, Albert Tatlock, Len Fairclough et al.

For years, me Mam has been trying to get my wife to watch -- after all, they both follow the Y&R, so Corrie apparently, should not be too much of a stretch.

My idea of episodic TV, thanks to Lorraine and a certain "best bum on TV" is NCIS... our PVR picks it up most evenings at 7.00pm.

March 06, 2009 12:26 PM  

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