April 10, 2009


In Case of Emergency: Do NOT Call Wolf Blitzer

You have to wonder what goes through people's heads.
"Mr. and Mrs. Blitzer - it's a boy!"
"Awesome! Let's name him Wolf!"

We're cleaning, which means we just put the news on and traipse in and out of various rooms, sometimes with the vacuum blaring full blast, sometimes weaving gently to the wheee wheee wheee of the Swiffer jet thing that the Poor Sod purchased for himself. Be quiet. I know.

Anyway, I'm watching the unfortunately named Blitzer try his hardest to get some American sailors killed by Somali pirates. He has assembled some experts on the subject ("I have a Masters in Somali Pirates, with a minor in Small Engine Repair"), who apparently are former naval commanders and the like. And maybe a captain of industry. Anyway, ol' Wolfy keeps asking how much should be paid to the pirates to free the hostages.
"Well, Wolf, that's a delicate question, as you can imagine. We don't want to jeopardize the lives of not just the Captain of this vessel, but the 300 other sailors on board," one of them patiently explained.
"Yeah, I know, but how much do you think you'd pay?" asked the willfully stupid Blitzer. I picture a bunch of Somali pirates huddled around a superduper radio, or more likely a laptop, listening carefully before they use their pricing gun to affix an orange sticker to the forehead of the captain they have tied to a chair.

"Well, gentlemen, we've established that ransoms have been paid in the past..." continued Mr. Spritzer, "so, how much you think this time?" I think the camera cut away before his in-studio guest punched him in the neck.
"We have paid ransoms, and it would be ludicrous to compare the value of a cargo against that of a human life," said Mr. Captain of Industry. I'm surprised he could speak with his teeth clenched so tightly.
"Well, I suppose we still aren't ruling out a surprise storming of the ship, right?" asked Wolf. Which I'm sure wrecked the surprise, if there was one.
"It's difficult, as you can imagine," replied an expert, who would make an excellent preschool teacher. "There's a housing over the bridge of the ship, and we are unable to determine how the captain is being held, if he's tied after his escape attempt, how many pirates there are, and what their weaponry is," he finished.
"Well, hey, wouldn't now be the time for the Navy Seals to swim up from underneath the ship and perform a rescue?" asked Wolf. I kid you not. This is what he said.
"YEAH, YOU MORON, JUST LIKE IN A COMIC BOOK," shouted the Poor Sod.

I turned on the vacuum.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wolf Blitzer...Media's version of Howdy Dowdy. I like Poor Sod's comment.

Rob...

April 11, 2009 8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow

just when you thought CNN could not possibly get any dumber!!

I also like the Poor Sod's comment

amw

April 11, 2009 9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'bout time your're back. We were talking about the Poor Sod and his swiffer today as we were cleaning and wishing we had a swiffer.

Roz

April 11, 2009 7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better still Roz. Get the Swiffer with Poor Sod attached, sit back and relax, enjoy the show...Or was that what you were getting at?

Rob...

April 13, 2009 6:19 AM  

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