April 5, 2009

Television Kickers & Nit Pickers

We're overdue for a rant, no? Let's begin.

The evil commercial for some yogurt, that starts off with this irritating 'la la, la la, la la la', sung by pixies holding hands with angels. Helium voices do not make me buy yogurt.

Toilet paper ads. Retire the cartoon bears. I have never, ever had toilet paper stick to my arse. I do not know anyone who has suffered this indignity. I asked around. Which means in other areas of my life, I have no dignity. Oh, and renaming toilet paper? Cashmere? Cashmere is for sweaters. Do not poach this name for toilet paper. You are making us envision wiping our butts with wool. And we only buy the stuff that's on sale anyway, as long as it's got 2 plies and isn't made from sandpaper.

Cracker Barrel Cheese. Gentling assuring us they only use hormone and antibiotic-free milk to make their cheese. Listen carefully to their ad - all cheese in Canada is made from hormone and antibiotic-free milk. Stop making me think of hormone and antibiotic-laden cheese. And, we buy the cheese that's on sale, as long as it isn't made from sandpaper.

Shamwow Man got busted with a prostitute. Ha, ha, ha. Mr. Shamwow has to pay for it. Actually, I believe this. Can you imagine voluntarily being in bed with a guy who suddenly yells out "Shamwow!"? I told the Poor Sod there was something off about that guy, who happens to be his hero. Perhaps I should go have a little talk with the Poor Sod.

Boston Pizza. Please, remove the creepy family with the glasses. It was horrible the first time round, and it's worse this time out. Using CGI to manipulate the mouth of a toddler is disturbing. And knowing he's going to grow up like his siblings, who you know just get beat up every day at school, is even worse. Parents like these should be gently corrected in their ways, not celebrated.

Moving right along...

I am perplexed, as I write this. About ten years ago, I lost my entire back lawn to grubs. It's a big yard. It was a lot of grubs. It remained a dirt pit, with random wisps of pathetic grass until I could afford to fix it. One of the boys brought home a friend at the time from a far more affluent family. This kid stared out our back doors, and said "wow, what happened out there?". He felt sad for his poor friend who couldn't afford grass.

After that, I had a lawn place do Merit grub protection each year. It's the only poison I use. We don't use any pesticides, we over seed and pull weeds by hand. But grubs don't play by the rules, and I'm too chicken to test the Grub Gods again.

My lawn place called this week.
Them: "Hi! You ready for your Merit treatment this year?"
Me: "Well, yeah, but that's in July. In the heat of the summer, at that precise time the grubs hatch or launch or whatever it is grubs do. And then I have to water every day for a week to make it effective, just like you've taught me. I have to abandon vacation plans to stay home to water."
Them: "Well, actually, the government is banning all pesticides as of April Something, so we're doing it earlier this year."
Me: "But you've told me for a decade that it's only effective in the full heat of summer, and then watered religiously." I look very perturbed at this point.
Them: "Well, this is a special formula, that will time release at the right time, so you don't have to worry."
Me: "You're telling me the grubs know about the provincial pesticide ban, and will conveniently rearrange their schedules and physiological makeup to accommodate a magic new and improved poison?"
Them: "Yeah!"
Me: "No!"

I don't believe them. Anybody out there know anything about this? I'm sick of getting ripped off by convenient answers to difficult questions.

Mike Danton. Can this story get any more disturbing? He's already back in a Canadian prison after serving several years in an American one after being found guilty of trying to hire a hitman to kill his coach and mentor, the incredible creepshow known as David Frost.

And he's reconciled with Frost. What kind of magic stun dust does Frost sprinkle on his players to make them go along with him? He's a menace. He's a predator. If anyone follows the junior hockey system, you'll know that boys leave home, sometimes as early as age 14 to play on teams they've been drafted to play for. It's the essential step to make it to the pros. The kids live with other families, and during some of the most formative years of a child's life, they are being shaped by others. They can be clear across the country. For every superstar you read about, there are hundreds, if not thousands, more who end up bitter if they're lucky, broken if they're not. Walt Poddubny - remember him? Hockey owes these kids better, and anyone who supports the system needs to look at kids like Stanton and question whom we entrust our children to, at any cost.

Off to do yard work. And look for grubs.


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Shamwow guy got popped for being with a hooker? Coool! I'm going to google that right now. Yes, I am a ghoul and into major gloating. There's an unpronouncable German word for this but I can't spell it. Why do Germans have long words for things? They have a word,
"nakplatzvreckenshreken" which translates to naked plaza cringing.
I don't get it either.

April 05, 2009 8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, rants, my favourite.

Can't stand the guy sitting in a library with his digitally messed up mouth singing "thank yew, thank yew" for some dumb gum.

Sure there's more but gotta go nakplatzvreckenshreken. Just don't hear that word often enough.

April 06, 2009 9:57 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

Remind me to stay out of your town this week.

My word for the day: knelpya

Usage: Welcome to Tim Horton's, knelpya?


April 07, 2009 7:21 AM  

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