June 4, 2009


Hear That Scraping Noise?

I am experiencing consternation. There's nothing you can take for it. It's TV consternation, and it's Roz's fault. So, take it up with Roz if you have any questions about this blog. I'd post her phone number, but then she wouldn't be my sister any more. She would kill me.

She made me promise to watch 5 minutes of the worst show on TV the other night. She even called it that, like the listing said The Worst Show on TV. Now, if you knew some of the crap that Roz watches, for her to call it The Worst means it's really, really bad.

Because we're into summer re-runs, because the Poor Sod was at a class, because the kids were ignoring me and the cats were asleep, and mostly because I'd had 2 glasses of wine, I put on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

At first I thought it was like a Waldo poster, and the goal was to find the celebrity. While I saw many people, none of them were celebrities. I only define 'celebrity' as someone I may recognize, even in a cloudy, gauzy, 'don't I know you from somewhere?' kind of way. If I recognize the lady from the bank when I see her shopping at the Bay, even that would count.

Nope. There was a woman who used to be Janice Dickerson, who last I knew had her skirt over her head at Studio 54 back in the 80s. There was a woman on the show who looked kind of like her, but it couldn't have been because her face had half melted off, and the part that wasn't melted looked stapled to her skull.

Ari wandered in and asked who these people were. We realized then they had names on their shirts. This helped. "Oh, see that guy?" I said to Ari. "Yeah." "You know Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock?" "Yeah." "That's not him. That's his brother, I think, but a pudged up, weird- eyed, born-again nutjob. I believe there are several brothers, and they move into acting roles like shark's teeth. They just move up, and nobody notices," I concluded. "Why didn't they just get Alec Baldwin?" Ari asked. This made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

There was a super-annoying couple who kept saying they were celebrities. And quitting. And coming back. And nobody cared. I don't think they're celebrities. And the chick kept spraying dry shampoo in her hair, which I didn't get even a little bit. The whole point of going into the jungle is so you don't have to do your hair. I wouldn't even brush my teeth.

I realized this is more than 5 minutes watching, but did I mention the wine?

There was an actor who was once La Bamba. He's taking this very seriously. He let rats eat his hand - take big bites out of him. He was an idiot. I would have just yanked the little suckers out and thrown them at the annoying couple. Or Janice Dickerson's face, which they would have bounced off of without her even knowing.

There was a former NBA guy, which makes me wonder if they're not paying as well as they used to. And some other people I've never, ever seen before. Only two (a female comedy duo, apparently) seem to understand just how stupid this is. These two, I might go looking for after this is over.

Before I finally turned it off, Annoying Couple had quit. Which was a good thing - I'd rather have rats gnaw on my hand then watch another second of these two, anytime anywhere. Of course this left the 'producers' scrambling for replacements. So of course, they flew in another Baldwin brother - I told you, shark's teeth.

It wasn't Alec, so I turned it off.

I think they should call in Mantracker, and he's just kill their sorry asses while sitting on his horse.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

As much as I would like to see drug-addled Daniel Baldwin eaten by rats, I think I will have to pass. I can't watch any of that reality/semi-celebrity/dancing/matchmaking,weight loss stuff. Sorry, Roz.

June 04, 2009 1:11 PM  
Blogger Carolin said...

This is just another reason why we don't have cable! And the TV stations have the nerve to cry they dont' have any money and life isn't fair when this is what they give us to watch.

June 04, 2009 4:41 PM  
Blogger FibCarver said...

Thank you for reminding me, Lorraine, why I haven't watched television for nearly two years now. :)

June 04, 2009 8:16 PM  

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