July 4, 2009


This Just In...

I have on CNN, which I rarely do, because they are to news what Arby's is to roast beef. Which is awful.

But with Sarah Palin's backyard news conference, and a serial killer on the loose in South Carolina, I had to turn somewhere fast for a drive-thru news bite.

Well, you an certainly tell when it's a national holiday on newscasts. They bowl in their third stringers, and the guy on CNN is painful. Even Ari looked up from assembling his sandwich, and asked "what's wrong with that guy?".

Because Michael Jackson is the first person in the world, ever, to die, he has captivated and overwhelmed all news broadcasts. California, which is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy as it is mired in billions and billions of dollars of debt, now has to fund the 'final goodbye of a superstar'. No money for teachers, Arnie has thrown up his hands in surrender, but every single nickel will somehow be found for an estimated 1.2 million people to wave. Somebody explain this to me. I know people that skip funerals for their own families.

So. CNN. The news anchor (Holidayman) has a cop on to interview. Slow news day - I'm sure the janitor will be on next. Anyway, the cop is going over crowd control problems, the logistics of directing crowds, trying to keep control of what the police hope will be a peaceful mob. Holidayman, grasping the fact that from his podium he could possibly help with this by asking people to stay home and wave at their TVs instead, makes sure he gets the most from the interview.

"So, I've heard that Jennifer Hudson will be singing. Did you hear that?" he asked the cop. Who hardly missed a beat, before replying that he was there to talk crowd logistics. Poor bastard probably didn't know who Jennifer Hudson was.

On to the serial killer. Some looney tune is running around shooting people at random in a small town. 5 dead. Holidayman watches the remote reporter show some redneck with a passel of guns saying 'bring 'em on!' as he poses with a dead raccoon (okay, I made up the dead raccoon), and some little kid that insists on sleeping with his parents. Holidayman chuckles - yes, chuckles - that some people seem really, really prepared for this serial killer.

They haven't got to Palin yet. Something tells me Holidayman is going to make her look really, really intelligent.

5 Comments:

Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I rather enjoy CNN at times. I often wonder if The Onion got their inspiration from them on one of their bad days. I loved reading "The European" its's a weekly folio size magazine covering current events in Europe with an English jaundiced eye, insightful opinion articles, essays and layout by a crew of Hello! workers moonlighting for extra pay. Int News used to carry it her. They dropped it because I was the only buyer.

July 04, 2009 7:51 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

They were so desperate for someone to interview the other day that they had that idiotic crying judge who presided over the Anna Nicole Smith trial on there. He could hardly form a coherent sentence.

July 04, 2009 8:03 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I'm thinking that CNN stands for Can't Not do News. On days like today when they should be home whacking their felenous weeds (where's a good weed serial killer when you need one?) with liberal doses of fishing line, they will make up whatever news they think will sell.

My youngest daughter has a two disc set of Micheal's and it makes you appreciate the genius that he was 20 years ago. As my Gramma was inclined to say... the line between genius and insanity is a fine one. He crossed over it a long time ago and I mourned his "death" then.

Now excuse me while I go hurl a tuna sandwich at the TV. Better fodder than they're spewing these days.

July 05, 2009 8:41 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

July 06, 2009 10:42 AM  
Blogger Christian said...

That is a really, really good point, that people will skip out on a family funeral but California will scrape money for "Today We Mourn a Pederast."

And did you know that Arby's transports its meat in a plastic tube of gelatinous goo? The goo is heated and it solidifies into a greyish roast-beef-flavored matter, which is then thinly sliced and piled onto a bun.

Just like how Chicken Noodle News treats news.

July 06, 2009 2:40 PM  

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