August 5, 2009

Garden Herpes and Jeremy Clarkson

You miss a lot when you're out of touch. I tried to get hold of newspapers while I was away, but it's tough. That, and the same edition of the Whitehorse paper was all I could find for 5 straight days. And it was 2 days old when I got there.

If you want to learn about any place you visit, the best thing to do is grab the local paper and flip to the classifieds. You learn many things. How much rents are. What kinds of jobs are available (in Whitehorse, there are many, many jobs for Chinese restaurant workers. But they only want Chinese people to fill them). I learned that housing and rent prices are higher than I thought they would be, and that was the reason that Alex, our hotel shuttle driver, drove a city bus in the days, and the hotel shuttles at night. And the last flights land after 1 am. You have to work hard in Whitehorse to carve out a living.

My favourite in the Wanteds? "Wanted: Rhubarb plants. Willing to pay, will dig em up."

I'd like them to try to get rhubarb plants out. They are garden herpes, the luggage of the plant world. Rhubarb is forever. I know - I still have my Dad's in the corner of the yard.

So what did I miss? Well, four women got busted for superglue-ing a guy's penis to his leg. He was married to one, boffing the others. They got even. Ouch. Oh wait, I just re-read. They glued it to his stomach. Huh. Well, that explains the 3 mistresses part...

Paula Abdul won't be back on American Idol. Which leaves us with that annoying new chick, the annoying 'dude' guy, and Simon Cowell, who I bizarrely adore. I think Paula should continue on down the crazy track of self-medication, and everything will be just fine. At least nobody glued her head to the desk.

Jeremy Clarkson is in a spot of bother. (There's a great book you can find for cheap at Chapter's called Spot of Bother. Funny as hell, written by Mark Haddon. I highly recommend it.)

Anyway. Here's Clarkson's list of top ten eff ups. I dunno. While I realize calling the Prime Minister the c word would never promote my career, in England that word is thrown around practically with love. Practically.

And that list of Clarkson's spot of bother leads to today's news that possibly Top Gear is done. Can you hear the howls of sobs from my son? The timing is suspect, as always. Slow news time of year.
And Clarkson may be one of the most polarizing individuals in the industry (some just love to hate him out of some pompous misdirected belief that you can't drive cars, run into trees, kill prostitutes and still have a good time), while the rest of us just hoot and wish we had his job.

Top Gear is going nowhere. These are three grown men paid lavishly to do things like call the PM a c___. And make cars into boats. And drink gin while they drive. And apologize later, because we all know it's easier than asking for permission.

*I've had to add an edit after reading this again. I love Top Gear. I love Jeremy Clarkson. I would do what they do in a heartbeat, if I could. I realize that saying 'Top Gear is going nowhere' I mean quite literally - I don't think it's leaving the airwaves any time soon. And I'm glad :)


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

regarding "Top Gear", nothing that crass and money oriented ever dies. Clarkson may not be part of it but someone who cost less to hire and is eager to review cars without flaming comments will likely take his place. Top Gear dying is like saying "Halloween" is finished. "nothing this evil ever dies." or profitable.

August 05, 2009 1:16 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

There is a part of the page above the Clarkson story that is labeled "Books". One would assume that if you click on it you will be directed to a website which will display a wide variety of books for you to spend your hard earned money on. I thought it said "Boobs." Imagine my horror when I clicked on it and all I saw was books. Books on Latin, books on murders (not prostitutes), books on How to Fix Things You Stick to Yourself. No books on boobs. Not a big surprise, I suppose, but you'll understand my being a tad on the disappointed side.

So my point is that anyone can make a mistake. I say we cut Clarkson some slack. If I only make 10 mistakes in my life, I'll die a happy man. And don't tell anyone but I found all 10 eff ups very funny. Especially the one about the German car whose GPS will only go to Poland. Sorry, but I laughed out loud on that one. I guess I need a Twisted Brother.

August 05, 2009 2:04 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

If Clarkson to be a stand up comedian, by all means do so. Just don't bother reviewing cars at the same time.I defend his right to free speech, but he's just wasting time being outrageous for sensationalism. Clarkson set himself up a nice trap he'll find difficult to escape from. People now expect outrage from him. If he vents a serious opinion, they won't take it seriously coming from the man who makes hideous jokes about head injuries, wartime Germany and murderous truck drivers. Maybe readers will make the effort, but I won't.There are too many good car reviewers out there to bother wading through his slime.

August 05, 2009 3:43 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

See, I see this differently. I think Clarkson has done all the things I wish I had the balls to do.

Every word from his mouth/pen is totally calculated for affect, and effect. He has created his own persona, and has been rewarded in a way that matters to him. He knows more about cars than his reputation lets on - but that's the point. His reputation is not as a car reviewer, but as a performer.

And that's where you take him or leave him, much like Eminem as a rapper. I hate rap, but the kid is a brilliant poet, and I respect that. There are a lot of performers whose art I may not particularly like, but I appreciate the niche they've carved out for themselves. It's tough to do in this world.

I'd buy Clarkson a drink anytime.

August 05, 2009 4:16 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Buzzwhack I understand your outrage. I feel exactly the same about Howard Stern. Like many other things in life I believe I've only got a certain number of vibrations in my eardrums before they pack it in and leave me wondering why everyone's waiving their arms and what that funny smell is. I won't waste a single vibration of my valuable eardrums on the man. I don't get him and have no desire to make an attempt to get him. But for some inexplicable reason I feel differently about Top Gear. Maybe it's my love of cars combined with their freakish humour... I don't know. Anyway, I get where you're coming from but it's too bad. 'Cause you're missing out on some pretty good yucks.

Has anyone bothered to check the distance from their crotch to their stomach? Good Golly, Miss Molly. Now excuse me while I wander down the street to see if I can find a copy of A Spot of Bother.

August 06, 2009 10:09 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I have returned from dinner in the exciting city of Caracas, removed my flack jacket and helmet, and spent a little time reviewing some You Tube.

As a public service I am providing this link to you... Lorraine... to apply to your next foray to the great white north. Had I found it earlier I would have posted it before you left on your RV trip. But that would just have been... well... very non-male. And I don't want anyone thinking I'm anything but manly.

August 06, 2009 10:10 PM  

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