August 11, 2009


"Tenacious, aggressive, hardworking..."

This is the ad on the TV right now, for some stupid lawyer who has to troll the slip-and-fall candidates laid out on their couches watching Seinfeld reruns, or a Judge Show, or whatever channel this is.

I only looked up because I realized those words could apply to me. Tenacious, aggressive, hardworking...and why you might wonder? Because I just cut the back yard. Well, half of it. It's a big yard. I went out to do the edging part, which I like to do, because the boys take turns doing the cutting part, which I don't like to do. The boys are both at work, so, it fell to me.

We got a new weedwhacker. Well, the Poor Sod went and got it. The last one was a hundred years old and was crap. So he bought me a new one. It's very cool. But I don't know how to start it. I tried. I put on the headphones. It comes with headphones. How cool is that? But I can't tell which sign the little lever should be pointing at for 'choke', so I flip it back and forth, pulling the cord and praying for the best. Then I got tired, and just put it back in the shed and got out the lawnmower. I'd already put on the sunscreen, figured I shouldn't waste it.

Well. Cutting our backyard is exhausting. It's incredibly hot out there. The grass is up to my knees, because of the rain. But we have friends coming for a BBQ on the weekend, so it must be done.

I sweated, I cursed, I hauled that lawnmower around the yard. It's a heavy one. Our yard is jungle-like around all the edges, so the plants have left streaks of odd brown and red stuff on my arms, in the sunscreen. And the gas, which jumped back out of the little spout when I filled it up. I smell like gas. And sweat. And sunscreen.

I didn't get it finished, and realized I needed water. I could feel myself dehydrating, which always gives me a headache. Me getting a headache is like a centipede getting athlete's foot. It's never minor.

So, I came in, flopped down in my chair in time to be rewarded with the TV calling me tenacious, aggressive and hardworking. And then I glanced at the clock. Half an hour. I'd been outside half an hour.


Blogger Unknown said...

Reads like one of my report cards from high school -- NOT!

I can dehydrate sitting at a computer; I swear that the monitor draws moisture from me like a sponge in a puddle.

This time of year when the weather is like this -- freaking oppressive, I have headaches that feel the way the Energizer bunny sounds. Little can touch them. I sympathize.

BTW, how are the purple boots doing? Have they been relegated to the back of a closet yet?

August 11, 2009 5:34 PM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

I was just in your backyard a week ago and it needed cutting then. Are you telling me you're just doing it now?

But come on, only half of it done? It's not that big. Should only take you 45 minutes, tops. Not counting weed pulling.

August 11, 2009 9:42 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

"And you want to be my latex salesman..." a wunerful Seinfeld quote.

August 11, 2009 10:50 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Fortunately, have a self-propelled mower.

Unfortunately, it is not self-motivated.


August 11, 2009 11:01 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

I'm selling a John Deere ride-a-long, Lorraine. Comes with it's own headphones and a JD-branded cap! That would make the task less onerous for everyone...

August 12, 2009 12:38 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Great Idea!
She could write a road test for Wheels.


August 12, 2009 1:07 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

First, Webgod? Shut up about my weeds. Geez.

I might like a John Deere. Except my kids would ride it around the neighbourhood - way cooler than a minivan...

DJ, there is nothing I wouldn't test for Wheels. You all know that :)

I finished off the lawn and it started to rain, like, 30 seconds later. But I did go back out and do some weeding later...just for you, Jeff.

August 12, 2009 1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't feel bad Lorraine. Life got in the way of our yard and with all the rain we have had I think I heard a goat out there this morning. Couldn't see it, just heard it! Luckily when the girls were voluntold to take care of it tonight I don't think any small animals were harmed.


August 12, 2009 9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the weeds have overtaken my lawn...we're going to have to do something about it very soon


August 13, 2009 9:46 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

bbg...that sounds ominous:)

I just spent the last 2 hours digging weeds out by hand. I think I covered probably 5 square feet...2900 to go...

Someone tell me if there's a better *legal* plan, but I figure if I yank as much as I can, then keep throwing down more seed...eventually the good guys will win.

Right? Please?

August 13, 2009 9:57 AM  
Blogger Nursedude said...

Just saw an episode of Penn and Teller's Bulls*** and the topic was the lawn care industry. In some subdivisions in the US you are mandated by your homeowners association to take care of your lawn to certain standards, One 60+ yr old man was jailed for having dead grass.
Here's the link:
I don't think I'd ever live someplace that anal about grass.

August 15, 2009 9:42 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I draw the line at being forced to keep my KIDS alive.

August 15, 2009 9:43 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Anyone else notice that the header on that article is from Bayonet Point? Says a lot. I have a brown spot on my lawn right now. Don't know what's caused it. Probably some underground varment that the skunks and 'coons have removed from their list of delectables. Wouldn't it be a shame to have Chris Brown in jail.


August 16, 2009 12:00 AM  

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