September 29, 2009


Bit of This, Bit of That

Now, this will seem cruel and ridiculous, but some days, that is who I am.

A picture of Britney Spears showed up somewhere yesterday, doing the her little ring-a-ding stage show. I looked at it, and said to Christopher,"I may be nuts, but I'm in better shape than Britney Spears." And of course, I don't do any ring-a-ding stage shows. I don't even work out, unless you count sprints to the bathroom when Ari is barfing. (Oh, by the way. He just got back from the doctor. He has Swine Flu. Christer had to take him because I've wrecked my back. Christopher asked if he got that by kissing a pig. He didn't say kissing. So I hit him, but it was feeble because I am weakened.)

But, I'm looking at Britney, and I'm sure it's the camera angle, but the girl is as stout as a fire hydrant. A sparkly fire hydrant, but a fire hydrant. Christer leaned over to look. "Well, she has had 3 kids," he explained. "No, she's had two. Same as me," I replied. "Oh, in that case, yeah, I guess you win."

I admit this is a loathsome game for a woman to play (me), but hell, if I had all that money, all those trainers, saw my kids only for photo ops and had a ring-a-ding stage show, I would be far more magnificent than a fire hydrant. It would be totally fine if Britney didn't wear sequin catsuits and odd fishnet/bikini combos on stage. It's like her trainers and her costume designers have secret meetings. In the dark. In a bar. And they all hate her.

That's the Bit of This. This is the Bit of That. A nudist park in Toronto has been given an extension, so its occupants had continue to dangle their bits for another year. At hand (so to speak) was the question of whether Glen Echo Family Nudist Park (please tell me why Chevy Chase and Co. never made a Vacation movie here) was a year round deal, or just seasonal. Have they been to Canada?

I was at my son's football game the other day, and I needed gloves. Gloves. And it's still September.

I'm aware it's a small number of the population who frequent nudist camps. I know this, because every time I write that breastfeeding is good and normal, the same guy writes to me exposing his views on nudist colonies. That they're wonderful, and acting like I'm their spokesperson or something. Breastfeeding, dude, is not strolling around casting odd shadows and sticking to chaise lounges in disturbing ways.

Come to think of it, I guess this post is pretty much about being shown more than I would like to see. At least the nudist camp doesn't perform and end of season ring-a-ding stage show.

I hope.

20 Comments:

Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Nudist parks aren't a problem.Infantile reaction to the naked human body unfortunately,is a problem. Just think, our society's obssession with bodies is astounding. In the 1970s, we had the jogging and fitness craze. All those pasty bodies running around in Adidas. In the 1980s someone discovered muscle ripping and steroids during workouts and now everyboy has these bodies that look like electric current passing through them. I suppose that's better than the 1970s bodies in which the healthiest still looked like they were squeezed out of toothpatse tubes. I'm starting a nudist colony of fire hydrants. They'll be painted blue in the winter.

September 29, 2009 11:59 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

The nudists should put on a production of Guys and Dolls. At least the audience could tell who was who. Maybe.

September 29, 2009 12:54 PM  
Blogger DJ said...

Interesting how you managed to include brtney and swine in the same paragraph

DJW

September 29, 2009 2:41 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

...and fire hydrants. Don't forget fire hydrants.

September 29, 2009 4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey Lorraine, I think Buzzwhack said you were having an infantile reaction. When I first quickly read his comment I thought he said infantile erection. ha ha. Is W.G.J. going to spank me for saying a bad word?
Roz
oink oink Ari

September 29, 2009 5:00 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

That's good, you've just transgendered Lorraine. It would be hard to shock Lorraine, I think. Once you've had kids, nothing is sacred. I wasn't saying she had an infantile reaction, just that our society is too hung up on bodies.

September 29, 2009 5:23 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

...and now I'm transgendered.

Should be interesting to bring up over on CTS sometime...

September 29, 2009 5:24 PM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

I won't spank you for your use of the term "infantile erection" but it's not a phrase that I would use in a sentence...

I've got my eye on you.

September 29, 2009 7:15 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Really? That doesn't come up in dinner conversation?

You have to be here for dinner more often...we'll teach your son...

September 29, 2009 7:17 PM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

Your garlic bread scares me.

September 29, 2009 7:47 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

That is so not fair. I make awesome garlic bread.

You're just a wussy.

September 29, 2009 8:18 PM  
Anonymous Ag Student U of G said...

you really should refer to the flu as H1N1 and not swine flu - the media continually calling it swine flu is only adding another dagger to an already struggling pork industry in Canada. The chances of anyone catching it from pigs or pork is miniscule 1) pigs don't get slaughtered if they are sick 2) flu virus does not reside in muscle 3) if contamination from the lung to the muscle did occur it would be killed when the meat is cooked 4) you have a better change of catching H1N1 from your butcher than you do from eating pork. I know everyone still refers to it as swine flu but it's important to change peoples perspectives to help the struggling Canadian pork industry - with high corn prices and low pork prices they can't afford many more battles

Cheers
Ag Student

September 30, 2009 8:58 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Ag Student:

You're right. I know better. I was being flip about something I'm usually pretty not-flip about.

Thanks for the correction!

September 30, 2009 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Sally said...

I am still stuck on the fact that you don't work out. I have seen your recent Yukon pictures and you have an awesome body! Makes me want to drown myself in Oreos...

September 30, 2009 10:10 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

For anyone wondering, no, I am not 'Sally'. She is, however, my new best friend.

September 30, 2009 10:13 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Sally is correct, except about the Oreos part. Green Tea #2 is more appropo in my case. Glad she said it instead of me.

September 30, 2009 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh gimme a break. You have never seen anyone eat so many carbs in your life as our "darling" Lorraine. She's just the lucky one in the family.

Roz

October 01, 2009 9:21 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

A saucer of milk to go with your cookie, Roz?

I, too, have a sister just like that; has two hollow logs.

October 01, 2009 9:55 AM  
Blogger Deven said...

I was going to say something along the lines of preferring nudist to seeing junk encased in lime green speedos, then the sister fight broke out and I got all tingly.

I might have just creeped myself out... no, apparently being that creepy doesn't bother me.

October 01, 2009 5:41 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

BTW, that sister has hollow legs. My bad!

October 02, 2009 9:49 AM  

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