October 1, 2009


Score One For The Animals...

Aw. A poor woman was gored by a reindeer she's purchased to haul a Victorian sled around at Christmas parties. Because everyone knows that's what reindeer yearn to do. She already owns horses, doves and elephants that she rents out for weddings.

Am I missing something here? I mean, she was hurt. The thing gored her badly. She lived, but apparently it's rutting season and I guess she was dressed like a provocative girl reindeer, and Mr. Frosty went for it. That's his name: Mr. Frosty.

But why on earth would she want a frigging reindeer to prance around liked a trained pony? Hell, why would anyone want a trained pony to prance around like a trained pony? You really think you can pimp out horses, doves and elephants and not have one of them finally go all Lord of the Flies on you?

She hadn't had Mr. Frosty long; my guess is the other inmates met him, saw his impressive rack, and said 'do it. Do it for all of us. But save yourself...'. Like that moron who had a pet orangutan, and the thing went nuts and tore her friend's face off.

Turns out she'd had the chimp on Xanax but taken him off. Because everyone feeds their pets Xanax. Especially when you have a 200 pound pet monkey you dress up, sleep with and pretend is human. You say marriage, I say potato....

Don't get me wrong. I love my cats. Especially Maggie. JoJo can't read, so this is safe to say. But have you ever seen a cat go for a mouse or a bird? Feral. Feral to the last bone in their cuddly little bodies. And Maggie is 6 pounds of feral when she's peeved, and I can't imagine if she were 200. And you better believe I wouldn't be trying to harness her up to a Christmas sleigh if she weighed 250 pounds (like Mr. Frosty) and had a set of antlers not normally seen outside a roadhouse.

Speaking of which, Road House is still my all time favourite Patrick Swayze movie for out and out terribleness. Since you asked.

Anyway. Mr. Frosty took down the warden, I'm sure to applause all around. I've seen herds of reindeer, and they don't look all that impressive. They're kind of small and weird looking. But I sure wouldn't try to embarrass one - we just ate it instead.

6 Comments:

Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

That whole chimp thing... "dress up, sleep with and pretend is human." is more than a little creepy.

And why, when we prepare and eat certain animals, do we change their nomenclature; case in point... reindeer to venison? Yet in some Asian cultures, a dog is still a dog...

October 02, 2009 9:47 AM  
Anonymous Viny said...

this is just wrong. have you seen that cat ladies documentary? you must. i mean, it goes beyond the stereotype. here's the link to see an excerpt:

http://www.catladiesdoc.com/

October 02, 2009 12:48 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

The only time you dress up a pet is when you want to blackmail someone....usually yourself at a later date in life just when you don't want someone new and special in your life to discover the pictures at a family get together. Your blackmailer will almost always be a brother or sister, maybe your cousin.
I've seen friends turn beet red when the freestyle dancing videos air on the tv after too many drinks.FUNN!!

October 02, 2009 1:30 PM  
Blogger Christian said...

Great gobs of geese. The fact that she wanted to ride around in a cart suggests to me she wanted to visit some friends (via reindeer-drawn cart), and so I want to know why none of these friends tried to suggest to her that maybe this was her worst idea ever.

I'm alarmed that there might be an entire community of people living together, bound by the common thread of lacking sensible judgment.

October 02, 2009 4:15 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Went to the Markham fair today, and the first thing I saw was an enclosure with a camel and an elephant with little saddles on, giving yuppie children rides. I thought about creating a diversion while my husband set them free, but where would they go in Markham? Maybe to Frank Stronach's estate...

October 02, 2009 8:52 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Gee, jmd...doncha have a hatchback?

Saddles on elephants and camels at a fair in Markham. This is just sad.

October 02, 2009 9:09 PM  

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