November 19, 2009


14 Weirdest Things Found On The London Subway

1.Two and half hundredweight of sultanas
2.Lawn mower
3.Breast Implants
4.Theatrical coffin
5.Stuffed eagle
6.14-foot long boat
7.Divan bed
8.Park Bench
9.Garden Slide
10.Jar of bull's sperm
11.Urn of ashes
12.Dead bats in a container
13.Vasectomy kit
14.Two human skulls in a bag

I took this from a List Thingee. In the Timesonline, for purists who must have a source. I'm too lazy to C&P two things.

I drive, and it's been years since I've been on a subway or bus. Actually, since my son got his licence, it's been a year since I've been in my own vehicle. But I still can appreciate how weird this list is.

A 14' boat? Really? How drunk do you have to be to forget your boat? Or to let someone else forget their boat? I can almost understand forgetting your implants. Unless they have already been implanted. And the whole 'two human skulls in a bag' thing, well, they were in a bag, after all. And if a bag isn't making any noise, it might be easy to forget. If the bag is barking, people will notice.

I'm wondering if the jar of bull sperm wasn't found along with the vasectomy kit. And is this a do-it-yourself vasectomy kit? Is there such a thing? Most guys I know can't even think about the process without blacking out, but I suppose with a shot of whiskey and a mirror, anything is possible. Maybe it was a used vasectomy kit. Hence the bull sperm. Call me in 9 months; I can't to see how that one turns out.

The urn of ashes is probably not that rare. We kept Dad on the top shelf of the closet until Mom died. She'd spent most of her life waiting on him; it only seemed fair he had to cool his heels 3 years so they could go together. Urns of ashes are odd. Nobody really knows what to do with them. They should be strewn to the winds or the waves, but mostly they're sitting in their elaborate cookie jar (or, more often than not, a brown cardboard box) awaiting instruction. When you go, make sure you've left instructions. And make sure it's your friend who has a car who gets custody.

I find weird things in my van all the time. Retainers, floss, toothbrushes - anything a dentist might give us remains in the van. Nobody brings it in. Instructions for anything electronic - they rip it open in the van, fling the box and instructions, and start pushing buttons until something lights up or makes noise. Usually Mom.

We have half a dozen half empty water bottles, flung to the floor to empty out cupholders when something new appears. They roll around in the muck, pitching to and fro as the brakes are used. It's irritating; and they get covered in slush and are all gross, but eventually somebody will need a swig of water so badly they will drink them. When you have a couple of Tylenol melting on your tongue and that's all you can reach, it's nectar of the gods.

Two blankets, one pair of gloves, 5 pairs of sunglasses, hand lotion, Rockets candy, gum, a nail file, a dozen pens, 3 notebooks, 2 Toronto Life magazines, a golf ball, a football jersey, sunscreen, 6 CDs, couple bucks in change, somebody's cleats and a hoodie that fits everyone.

I think I'd notice a boat.

15 Comments:

Anonymous buzzwhack said...

That's a great list. I used to commute on the red rocket and did get to see how some of this stuff gets left behind. Not every rider was what I call in a normal state of mind.I'm so glad I don't have to ride to Warden station anymore. It was pure hell.

November 19, 2009 11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You told me you had the econo size bucket of hand sanitizer too. Did you drink that in a fit of thirsty?

Roz

November 19, 2009 11:39 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I forgot the Purell. I do have the econosize bucket. Nobody has drunk it.

Yet.

November 19, 2009 11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about grocery store bags? Don't you have the usual few of those in there that always get forgotten in the car and only remembered when they are asking you how many bags you want to pay for?

November 19, 2009 12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Years ago a friend of mine took her father's ashes and a photo of his favorite "thinking" spot to an artist friend of her's. The artist painted a beautiful rendition of the photo using her father's ashes. Not sure how this was done, but the end result was a wonderful keepsake for my friend and her family.

I have let my family know this is what I'd like done with my ashes and I've even supplied them with the photo.

Hoping this doesn't sound too creepy!

Brenda

November 19, 2009 1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

being the "proud" driver of an older minivan, I am afraid to start my list

there could be a boat! maybe even a goat or two

November 19, 2009 2:03 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

My kids never blink when they ask me for rubber gloves (when they dye their hair...weekly)and I tell them to get them out of the back of my wagon, beside the zip ties, and spray bottle of bleach.

DJW

November 19, 2009 8:43 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

November 19, 2009 10:20 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

OK, i deleted my own post... typos...

Two things... how do they know that it is/was bull semen. Wait, perhaps that's a question that should never be answered. Second, you asked how drunk does a person have to be to forget a 14' boat; I'll see your boat and raise you one ton of prime beef... how drunk do you have to be to give a hand job to a randy bull, on a moving train and catch the result in a jar?

Ole?

November 19, 2009 10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Omeomeeetc.

You had better watch it or WGJ is going to boot you out for being naughty.

Roz

November 20, 2009 1:48 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Not being naughty; I'm not the original poster, am I? It was the middle Twsited Sister!

And I'm still waiting for answers...

November 20, 2009 8:46 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I hear you whisper in its ear, promise it a condo as you hand it Champagne and dig in your pocket for the diamond...

Oh wait. That'd be a girl bull.

You hand it a Bud and the TV remote. You don't even have to touch it.

November 20, 2009 8:53 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Talking from experience, are we? Hmmmm. A girl bul?!?!?!? Perhaps your eyesight is a little worse that you let on.

And thank you for answer. Anyone else have eny ansers/theories?

PS... for the record and it has been documented. I'm afraid of the remote!

November 20, 2009 8:56 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Ozzie, you're operating on the assumption it was a person on that subway. It could have been Rod Stewart returning from one of his photo sessions.

November 23, 2009 11:06 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Buzz, perpetuating that urban legend, I see!

Glad to see you do not consider the aging lothario Stewart as human!

November 23, 2009 2:43 PM  

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