December 3, 2009

Steven Segal

I keep seeing ads for some new show with Steven Segal.

I wasn't sure who it was at first. I just saw this big chubby guy squashed into a bulletproof vest, talking about how there was a new sheriff in town. Really? Looks like a new dork in town, for sure, but The Law?

Has anyone told him he isn't a cop, though he may have played one on TV? And what's with a sheriff designation? Isn't that one of those things you see in movies where, as the bullets are flying and everyone else is dead, someone can wave a gun over your head and say "I declare you a sheriff?" I think so. But it always holds as much water for me as a ship's captain marrying someone. I mean, yeah, maybe it's real, but mostly it isn't. And if you were married by a ship's captain, or anyone who has their marrying allower clipped from a box of Rice Krispies, well, guess what? You're free to go. It was just pretend.

Anyway. I'm watching ads for this idiot, and all I can think is 'I bet they had to put extenders into that bulletproof vest'. Like seatbelt extenders. But if you need a seatbelt extender, it's only so you can be safe as you sit there. But I expect a cop to be able to run more than 3 feet before collapsing in a heap of sweat and gasping words. "G-g-g-g-g-g-ooooo g-g-g-g-g-et that cr-r-r-r-r-rook" he will say to his partner. And his partner will look down and say "but shouldn't I help you first? Your ankle is caught in the cruiser's wheel well".

Remember his acting career? All those movies where he had a ponytail, where he was apparently stashing his talent, and then when he started to do lousy box office, there was a whole 'they're out to kill me' thing with martial artists and warlords and organized crime and whatever else he could imagine up? Remember all that intensity when he'd look directly into the camera, and say something like "for that my grasshopper, you shall pay the premium price of me ripping out your still beating heart with my iron hands'. Or maybe that was Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse.

He used to be married to Kelly LeBrock, who turned up on a cooking show in the U.K. recently. She still looks like she has an inner tube on her face, but mostly you just watch and think, "hey, wasn't she married to that weird goof with the ponytail?". It's kinda bad when you look at him and think, "hey, wasn't he married to that woman with the inner tube on her face?"

I'm sure I won't be watching the show. It looks stupid as hell. And I don't think sheriffs get to shoot people, though I could have my Hollywood knowledge all messed up. And the only part of Steven Segal a crook couldn't outrun would be a bullet, I'm guessing. Unless he still has a ponytail and is going to yank it off and throw it at people. The other thing he has to remember is that nobody knows who he is, so even being scared of his reputation isn't going to be working for him. "Who's that fat guy calling me a dirtball?" you will hear the dirtball say out loud.


Anonymous jmd said...

I have never watched any of the reality crap that passes for entertainment these days, plus I am heartily sick of TV execs rolling out a bunch of has-beens and telling us they are "celebrities". A pox on the remaining Jackson Brothers, and the only reason I might watch Steven Segal is in the hopes that he would get his ass kicked by some irate Grandma. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

December 03, 2009 1:51 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

It was funny watching those old Segal movies, "Hard to Kill" etc. He was the most out of shape looking action adventure guy ever!Also had the unfortunate skill of running like a fruitcake.
That scene where he's doing sit ups, I envision someone off camera..."c'mon Stevie, rrrreach for that twinkie!"

December 03, 2009 2:44 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I think we should let jmd write a guest blog. It appears she would like to get a few things off her chest....

And the 'cranky' posts always get the best reception. Which doesn't reflect well on any of us, by the way.

December 03, 2009 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ya know, I too was a Segal hater until I watched an episode last weekend on Biography about him. He's not such a bad guy. He does a lot of charitable stuff (without a lot of fanfare), looks out for little kids at an orphanage that were abandoned by their parents etc. He lived a large part of his life in Japan? and is deeply into the culture, speaks the language and is very respected over there. He's happily married, although not to the lady in red anymore and is (apparently) a good father to his three kids. He also taught the cops in the U.S. a lot about self defense and that's why he's now doing the cop show (and he is a cop). I was very surprised by my change of heart.

your sister.

December 03, 2009 5:15 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

And I am very dismayed by it.

You are no longer my sister.

December 03, 2009 5:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

bite me.

December 03, 2009 5:19 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

It's okay.

I have another sister. And I always liked her better, anyway.

December 03, 2009 5:20 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Research will show that he may not quite be a gun-toting charlatan after all; 20 years with the sheriff's department, y'all.

So, what really brought on this unexpected rant? It's not (really) like you to be quite this snotty and in your face with anyone. Sure, you've had your moments, but why Steve, and why now?

BTW, not a mash note from a Segal fan boy, merely a casual observer of the human condition wondering what crawled up the dainty nose of LS, is all...

December 03, 2009 6:04 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Read this:

Meh, make your living. I still think he's a dick. Oh wait, Webgod is probably gonna kill my comment for that...which will totally mess with our Christmas party.

The two of us go to a bar and drink beer.

December 03, 2009 6:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

as usual, the link you gave us is toooooo loooooong and borrrrrriiiinnnng.

your disowned sister

December 03, 2009 7:22 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Sorry. The Cat in the Hat hasn't weighed in on Steven Segal in awhile.

December 03, 2009 7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

heh, heh, heh.

December 03, 2009 7:24 PM  
Blogger Deven said...

I don't care what you say. I'm setting the tivo TWICE. And it's not because one of my students once said that I look like Segal.

December 04, 2009 1:23 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I told my kids to (Canadian equivalent of Tivo) Glee the other night when I was at a meeting.
"Yeah, fine..."

Last night, nobody could 'find' it. I think they may be lying, but the entire cast of Glee is trapped somewhere in my TV.

And Deven, you do not look like Segal. Hell even Segal doesn't look like Segal...

December 04, 2009 7:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love GLEE....and am thankful for the PVR so I don't have to miss Modern Family.
Turn on a Steven Segal show and I will find something else to do. He may be a wonderful human being but that doesn't mean his acting is worth a crap.

December 04, 2009 10:06 AM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

The other night I was on my laptop with the TV on in the background. Every so often I would flip channels and then get distracted by the laptop and vise versa.

Next thing I know, I hear a super cheerful rendition of Van Halen's Jump, and I look up to see a bunch of just as cheerful people bouncing on mattresses.

I soon realized I was watching Glee and I vomited in my mouth a little.

I appear to be, and am very happy to be, the only person that hates Glee.

December 04, 2009 1:55 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Not so fast with the self-congratulatory comments, Mate.

There are many of us out there that hate Glee, musical theatre and the like.

We are legion!

December 04, 2009 5:14 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

...and none of you are welcome in my home.

Hear that Webgod? Drop off your wee adorable son, then go.

December 04, 2009 5:34 PM  
Blogger Nursedude said...

Glee has become a guilty pleasure in our household...and btw: I'm also a Segal fan. Did I mention I also vote Tory?

December 04, 2009 8:42 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

We've never been invited... sniff!

December 04, 2009 11:23 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

What if...

...Steven Segal, Deputy Sheriff, kicked in the door and busted the cast of Glee?

...everybody would be happy and there would be laughter and flowers would bloom again and we would all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.


December 05, 2009 9:30 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

DJ, you're gonna need a pacemaker if you mess with my Gleesters.

December 05, 2009 9:32 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Just the very name of the show, "Glee" casues my body to shudder and my stomach to flip...

Can we hit 30 comments on this one?

December 05, 2009 9:39 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

See, my spelling has gone wonky!

December 05, 2009 9:40 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Maybe if I cyberpunch each Glee-hater individually...

Or start ranking on Nursedude for his political affiliations...

December 05, 2009 9:40 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

It's not just Glee that I find insufferable, it's musical theatre, generally.

Blame it on Mr. Collins, a music teacher who was quite 'flamboyant' -- before anyone knew the meaning to this oft-used eupemism!

December 05, 2009 9:45 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

I was just asked by TLATO what I was doing; told her I was deriding Glee. She loves the show, too...

December 05, 2009 9:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm your favourite seestor now?



December 05, 2009 10:23 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Honey, like the bar was ever that high...

And, happy birthday to Twisted Sister Number One!

December 05, 2009 10:26 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...


So, online birthday party? I'll bring the tequila...!

Merry birthday, Roz!

December 05, 2009 10:34 AM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

Sorry, you want my adorable son, you get adorable me.

Otherwise, your Christmas party is going to suck.

December 05, 2009 2:24 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Yo Ho HO and a bottle of glum.Don't forget me, I want in

December 05, 2009 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

32 comments! Boy, what have I been missing. read, read, read. Nothing! WGJ: don't let her near your little adorable one. Look what she's doing to her own. hee hee hee. Thanks for the birdday wishes. Back off Coolio.



December 08, 2009 9:49 AM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

You should see her face light up when he's around...then she looks at me and frowns.

December 08, 2009 11:35 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Yes, yes she does....

December 08, 2009 11:45 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

I saw S.S. Lawman last night.

It looks like he's arrested too many donuts.


December 11, 2009 6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I caught that too DJ and also made a donut comment. But, did you see the dumb kid with the sawed off shot-gun down his drawers? Oh, but he found it, lying on the street.

Glad to be a Canadian

December 12, 2009 1:38 PM  

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