April 29, 2010

Movin' To Greece

Yep. You read it here first. I'm packing as we speak, and I will not even require someone else to pay my flight and give me a car when I land.

Ya'll know Greece is in the midst of a fierce economic meltdown. Well, you should know that. In a world full of crazy crashes, after Iceland, Greece - far bigger - is the one teetering and calling everyone else for a loaner till payday. I mean, Iceland was bad (I linked that piece from Vanity Fair on Iceland last year. If you didn't read it, you must. It's totally amazing. Go ahead. We'll wait for you). A population of about 250,000 all driving LandRovers and believing in elves. Goes broke. Go figure.

Anyway. Greece. In order to get their house in order, they have to reveal how it got to be such a mess. Like asking your parents for more allowance, and having to admit why you ran out in the first place. But Greece better do up its seatbelt: these revelations are the best. I mean, seriously awesome.

In Greece, you get a bonus for showing up at work on time. You get a bonus for using a computer. I can manage that. Not the on time part, but the computer? Check. They issued monthly salaries to workers. 14 of 'em. That's right. 14 monthly salaries every year.

UNMARRIED OR DIVORCED DAUGHTERS GET THEIR DEAD PARENTS PENSIONS. Oh man, of all the sexist, ignorant, chauvinistic, paternalistic rules, this is just the best. No, really. It's the best. I'm moving there with my father's death certificate right next to my passport.

Taxis, restaurants and hairdressers are legally allowed to extort money from you in December and call it a 'Christmas present'. Legally. Wouldn't that save the hassle of gritting your teeth and wondering just how much of a tip you have to leave Happy the Bumbling Clown Waiter just because there's a spray snow covered plastic wreath around the candle on your table?

In a whirl of happymaking that means everyone gets a job (like Oprah giving away cars), they have committees. Lots and lots of committees. They have a committee for a lake. That dried up 80 years ago.

Employees of the union strangleheld airline all fly for free, anywhere they want. So do their families, because how much fun is it to spend your spare 2 months pay on your own? And from what I hear, there are tons and tons of single women on those flights, happy to stay single so they can keep collecting their dead father's pension.

I hear Greece is nice this time of year. Anyone want to join me?

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Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I've heard strange stories about Greece for years but these take the cake.Did you the Beatles bought an island there in 1967 as a tax write off? True story, they went there and spent a week or two, decided it might be a good place to shore some money from Inland Revenue. Bought it, then discovered the tax shelter rule didn't apply to their situation and sold the island.At a huge profit,while the pound went up. So they actually paid more taxes that year.Coudl Greece in fact be the Bermuda Triangle? Nothing works there!

April 29, 2010 10:25 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Oh sure... I'd love to go. Except I'd be the Dad. And my daughters are pretty smart ladies and would quickly catch on that Dead Dad is a cash cow. I may LOOK stupid... but most days I'm not (after my 11:00 AM cup o' Java, anyways.) I would only consider it if I could take my bullet proof underpants.

April 29, 2010 2:00 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

I am working late in an income tax office. For the love of God, take me with you.

April 29, 2010 5:02 PM  

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