May 18, 2010

Ah, Margaret.

As many of you know, when I get some letters sent to my blind email at Blame it on Lorraine (I can't trace their point of origin), I sometimes share them here when they don't really fit that category.

A nice one just came in now, from 'Margaret'. While she had the presence of mind to hide behind a veil of anonymity, her tragic lack of manners means I won't clean up her grammar or punctuation - something I regularly do for others.

Dear Lorraine (that line is standardized on the form; I'm sure Margaret would have used a different term):
not a question.
lorraine, you are, by far, the worst "columnist" i've ever had the displeasure of reading.
your stories are supposed to mirror real life, but they are obviously made up. the alarm story in the star? a cop just shrugging his shoulders and letting someone walk into a house that could potentially have a burgler in it? improbable and unlikely.
do us all a favour and stop "writing." your style is pedestrian and you have nothing relevant to say.

Ah, dear Margaret. No, I don't make stuff up. I don't have to. And yes, once the cops have pretty much determined nothing is amiss, that is exactly what they do when a person on the call list shows up. At least I guess they do, because that's what happened.

But Margaret? Contrary to your request that I stop writing, I am going to encourage you to continue. I love seeing someone spell burglar like that; it reminds me of the Hamburgler in the McDonald's ads from when I was a kid. Oh, and Margaret? Spellcheck is your friend.


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Margaret reminds me of the names of the classical Greek columns we had to study in History, let's see, there is the Ironic, the Moronic and the Dork. I believe she qualifies on all three...

May 18, 2010 11:19 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Maybe it was Margaret Trudeau, off her meds again. Or Margaret Thatcher, she's gone a bit dotty, you know. Anyway, pay no mind. Your staunch supporters will give her five across the old snot box for you.

May 18, 2010 11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I'm sure she thinks that 'she told you' and based on that opinion is highly unlikely she will ever take the time to foray into this blog to see all of us who know how to start our sentences with capitals, not spell things wrong and love to read your stories. I think she's probably just a sad, boring little person with no life.

May 18, 2010 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

marge seems a bit touchy eh?

May 18, 2010 12:13 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I'm actually thinking our 'Margaret' is a guy...don't know why. Just do.

May 18, 2010 12:14 PM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

Hmm. After your last entry about Steve contacting you through the BIOL form, I added additional information on how to contact you through your regular email.

Apparently that's not good enough for some people.

I've heard music from Justin Bieber. I don't care for Justin Bieber. I don't listen to Justin Bieber. See where I'm going with this Margaret?

May 18, 2010 2:12 PM  
Anonymous Robert Leroy Parker said...

I guess it's time for someone to come to Margaret's defense. I think she's a brilliant, insightful woman - with the class of Sarah Palin, the high moral standards of Paris Hilton, the intellect of George Dubya Bush, and the sound judgment of Tiger Woods. I trust it is just a matter of time before she is appointed to Stephen Harper's cabinet.

May 18, 2010 2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Margaret.

You're a stupid @#$%^.

Leave my sister alone.


May 18, 2010 2:28 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Go get her, ROz!

If Margaret dislikes you, and I think it safe to assume that she did before reading that particular column, why does she continue to read?

And to WGJ point, although I have never met the young man, nor have I heard any ohis songs, and I have absolutely no desire to -- ever.

There, Margaret; I made a choice. See how easy that is? I believe you could, too. And while you're at it, why not decide never to post your lame vitriol online -- anywhere?

Please and thank you.

May 18, 2010 3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, trust me, when it comes to alarm calls, they are not high on the list of things that the Police will respond to. Not long ago Toronto and Durham both changed their policies as after a study was done it was proved that something along the lines of 95% of alarm calls were false. Either triggered by curtains flapping in the breeze of an open window, over enthusiastic dogs or Ground Hogs going at your Bleeding Hearts. Either way, when you have an alarm you provide a keyholder listing, so yup, you identify yourself to the officer, you then get to wander inside your friends house when they arent home, check out the fridge, set their alarm to go off at some obnoxious time in punishment for making you come over !

May 18, 2010 7:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ground hogs going at your bleeding hearts.


May 18, 2010 7:48 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I'm fairly certain that the Star (oops... "star") would stop paying for your columns (they do pay you, right?) if margaret's opinion was mirrored by the general populous. Perhaps (s)he should go back to ogling the pictures in the Sun.

May 19, 2010 8:52 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Actually, the might be a clue, Chris.

I got a link forwarded to me from a Sun piece by someone I don't know, basically thrashing my pro-choice stance. Because you know, all pro-lifers know we who value a woman's right to choose what she does with her own body are actually pro-abortionists. But they usually say it like this: PROABORTION. All yelly. Like we want to run around forcing everyone to have abortions. Cuz they're so much fun.

So, now that I think of the timing, perhaps 'Margaret' (who I still think is a man) is the link-sender.

May 19, 2010 8:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

couldn't "he" have picked a better name?

like, Lola or Shakira or Desiree or Raquel or Boobilicious?

May 19, 2010 11:50 AM  
Blogger Tonia Cowan said...

Thank you for keeping Margaret a)entertained and b)busy.

May 20, 2010 9:46 PM  

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