July 15, 2010

Your Opinion Is Needed!

You - all of you - are being requested for input.

Read my newest Blame It On Lorraine letter. A young couple is struggling with the kid question. I offered to open up the discussion here on the blog. A husband is getting cold feet; a wife is wondering where that leaves her.

Got kids? How did you get from here to there? Any male insight into what her husband might be thinking? What are the fears and considerations that we women might not be aware of?

I want honest, helpful advice - pile in!


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

It sounds like there is something bothering him which he hasn't been able to express yet. We have no way of knowing what the issue may be, it could be something to do with his past, or it may have something to do with the wife, as unpleasant as that sounds. Communication is lacking and the first priority in my opinion is getting it out so both can deal with it.I wish them the best of luck.

July 15, 2010 5:36 PM  
Anonymous Wally said...

As a married male with no children (by choice), I think there could be a number of things at play here - he could be afraid of losing his job, loss of freedom while raising a child, fear of the unknown (healthy child, his own mortality), etc. etc. etc.

The only way to find out is for the two of them to have a frank discussion. If they can't do that, they have bigger problems,and it is a good thing there are no kids in the picture.

July 15, 2010 5:45 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

My response would have been almost identical to yours. This is too big a topic to handle on your own. All the seeds were planted, the process was watered and now there are locusts eating the fruit. Outside help is needed.

As a male, the nurturing instinct is far less all-encompassing. Men tend to think of things in a rational manner. "Each child will cost me about $600,000 and I will spend 80% of my free time chauffeuring it around, or changing it's diaper, or challenging it's boy friend to a dual to the death." It will require him to stay in shape to fend off all challengers instead of lying on the couch watching Super Bowl games and gaining 10 pounds per year. And in his case he came from a fractured family. And the thought of having to look after a child on his own is overwhelming to most men. Sort of like cleaning out the fridge. "How could I possibly do this?" And you can't just leave a child alone and hope someone else will raise them.

Some people are all for it, and some just... don't ... know. Where's the owner's manual? Where's the written guarantee?

Once the seed is planted there's no turning back. And once you're a parent you're ALWAYS a parent.

For ever.

I wouldn't give my kids up for anything. I love them more than myself (and I'm a pretty big fan of myself.) But there's no question they are a huge impact on your financial and social life. You have got to be committed 100%.

July 15, 2010 8:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look back into the past... always thought he would be a single parent, but with her maybe, just maybe he could picture it.

In all hopes, sounds to me like he really does not want children, and that in all hopes, that she would change "her" mind and not want children after all.

A counsellor sounds like the best idea.. it is a big decision.. No amount of her wishing that with time he will see how happy other couples are with their children.

A HUGE wall of bricks is already building.

Your advise is best advise..

July 16, 2010 3:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is she prepared to make a choice between kids and him?
He may be very certain that he doesn't want kids but won't say it becuase he knows that she does want them and it could mean the end of the relationship.

July 16, 2010 9:30 AM  
Blogger Lucywestie said...

Let me look at this from our step daughters perspective. She and her boyfriend were together for 6 years. Got married, neither of them wanted kids, after 3 years all her friends were having children but he still didnt want any. Then all of sudden shes pregnant, 4 months after the baby is born he walks out on her and now a year later they are divorced.
Hes paying for their daughter for the next 18 years.
Not a great situation, not sure if she tricked him so that she could get pregnant but whats done is done.
I only have step-children. Never wanted any of my own, can't say why as I have brothers and sisters, but I just felt it wasnt for me.
You need to have a sit down with your husband and have a real heart to heart. Even go away from your home to a hotel for a night and discuss it on "neutral territory" so to speak.
Might be easier for him to open up away from the pressures of home and work etc.

July 16, 2010 11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have to agree with some of what I've read here, he doesn't appear to want kids. Our society seems to believe that you have to have kids or you're some kind of selfish jerk. Well there are a lot of people who shouldn't be parents, we've all seen them out and about. If you really don't want kids, don't have them. Child rearing isn't for everyone. And it doesn't make you selfish.

July 16, 2010 12:56 PM  

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