August 16, 2010


How To Live Forever...Or Not

We've all been revering how the Japanese treat their elders forever. How with that awesomely healthy diet and love of family, they just never die, right? And the stats have proven it - the oldest people in the world, apart from the ones who are slurping yogurt and herding sheep on hillsides in Mediterranean climes are always from Japan.

Turns out not so much. Trying to prove a longevity record, officials went looking for a 135-year-old woman. Couldn't find her. Seems she wandered off. Or died. Or something. So they started investigating, and apparently, they have a whole bunch of unaccounted for old folks. So much for reverence. Seems some family members 'forget' to report a death so they can keep collecting pensions. One woman kept her mummified father for 30 years - years - to keep the dough rolling in. I already question where that weird smell is coming from just from teenage boys. I don't want to think about running a mausoleum from the spare room.

Because Canadians are such an honest bunch, it stands to reason that our oldsters only make it to Hazel-time. We dutifully report the deceased. But what if, in the wake of this economic downturn, we got all Japanese?

Depends on who was in power, of course. In Quebec, they would keep issuing cheques. They might even issue more cheques if someone claimed the 103-year-old in question had had another baby. After they paid for her in-vitro.

The Liberals would raise the alarm bell if a neighbour or three squealed on said dead person. But they would secure the families votes in the next election by sending out cheques to each surviving family member.

And our ruling Conservative government? How do you ensure nobody is ripping off the system, especially by pretending to set world records by claiming ultimate health while concealing dead bodies in the den? Why, you just cancel everyone's old age pension.

That'll learn 'em.

4 Comments:

Blogger Nursedude said...

The Liberals would be the first party to figure out a way to get the dead to vote...maybe by allowing some sort of proxy voting until the remains are interred. That would keep a lot of stiffs in storage until election time rolls around.

They'd probably be the first party to have a mummified corpse appointed to The Senate. Oops. Sorry, I think that's already happened. .

As for the NDP: They'd probably figure out a way to get the dead to pay taxes. MPAC assessments on cemetery plots? Decomposition fees?

August 16, 2010 9:04 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

They've already done it..in 1991 when the NDP was in power. Earth tax, remember?

August 17, 2010 11:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Aw man... you guys used up my one and only good idea. I was thinking taxes too... only the provincial kind. Kinda "harmonize" the whole thing. DST Death Sales Tax. Open up a whole new type of business. Buy and sell Death services and tax the "living" hell out of it. Need a dead relative? Bart's Dead Folks and Used Body Emporium can handle almost every family emergency. Slap a 25% tax on it (an extra $25 for a stand if you need the body to sit up. $50 for the stand if it needs to actually stand up.) Why let them rot in the ground when they can be the "life" of the party.

Someone vote for me. I'm on a roll.

August 18, 2010 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently that nationwide search is yiedling results

August 20, 2010 3:32 PM  

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