August 19, 2010


I TOLD You Leafblowers Were Evil...

Oh, Kurt Browning. I'm not gonna pile on, in spite of what you might think. I actually believe you are a pretty nice guy, and I've always rooted for you. You've withstood the flack of being a figure skater in a country where skates=sticks & missing teeth more than triple hexibobbles and dramatic arm things. I've always loved you for that. I even cringed right along with you when Toller Cranston announced that your ass should be bronzed. (I can't find a link. But he said it. I saw him. Am I crazy?)

You and your pretty wife seem so nice, so real, so happy, so Canadian. And we know she won't steal you away and go play, I mean dance, for the L.A. Ballet Company.

But today we have a problem. You left your Porsche convertible outside in the rain. And because it seemed to make sense, you apparently tried to dry out the seats with a leafblower. Gaaaaaaaaah. Leafblowers. Hell's own tools of destruction against civilized society. And Hell apparently decided to flex a little, and that leafblower has destroyed your beautiful home. Burned. This is terrifying, actually, and I'm sure you will never do it again. I'm sure nobody who reads your story will. I wish we could also get them to view their existing leafblowers not just as a bad substitution for a turbo hair dryer, but also as a bad idea, period. Maybe you could lead a leafblower amnesty program, and people could turn them in - anonymously if necessary - and we could run them over with a garbage truck.

But of course all of this begs an even bigger question: you left your Porsche out in the rain with the top down?

16 Comments:

Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

When I read this piece earlier in the Star, I wondered will this mean a recall on all leaf blowers? Think about it; people, including my idiot neighbour Felix, use leaf blowers all the time. Leaves are generally dry when being blown (that does not read well, does it?). So will blowing leaves cause fires? Sounds to me as if there may be extenuating circumstances here yet to be explored.

Not once did I make a disparaging remark about the inept Toronto NHL team -- until now...

August 19, 2010 1:54 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Were his seats leather? I thought ragtops always had leather seats with fabric being optional if available at all. I know soem US cars had cloth seats on open top models, notably the 1979-1981Pontiac Trans Am's cloth interior. But that was twenty plus years ago! Are manufacturers still selling convertibles with cloth interiors? Sucker of the Year Award, there.

August 19, 2010 3:25 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

It was a Porsche! I'm dying to know which one.

Ozzie - I have a leafblower maniac here too. They've been revving up all summer, searching for something to blow.

August 19, 2010 3:28 PM  
Blogger Lucywestie said...

Well one of my first jobs when coming to Canada was working for a quality Landscaping company in Toronto. We had these huge condos where they got upset about the leaves on the ground, yet they got upset about the leaf blowers. You just can't win with some people.

I think it would be great to have one of those burny stick things you see firefighters use during forest fires to clear dead grass and create fire breaks. I could become a Landscape Arsonist. Just walk around and burn leaves and twigs to my hearts content, crappy neighbours fences, gone in a flash. This would satisfy some hidden desire im sure.

August 19, 2010 3:41 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Didn't Stephen King write something like this???

August 19, 2010 4:26 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I have never blown a leaf in my life but I suck them voraciously. They explode into tiny leaf particles and reside in my Costco leaf bags, with hardly a murmur. Much less spontaneously combusting. If leaves can do it, so can Porsches. The problem here is not leaf blowers... it's the damn Porsche!!! The air that exhales from a leaf blower is about 30 degrees Celcium. And that's on a hot day. In the cool of autumn it runs about 20. Celcium. So what's with the Porsche? If those low temps cause it to combusticate (yes it's a word... just ask Dubyah) then I'd say there's a serious design flaw in lower Germania.

Leave poor Kurt alone.

August 19, 2010 5:09 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

According to the report, he left the leaf blower on the seat in his car going full tilt to dry out. I'm betting it was a boxster with fabric seats. I mean burning leather, you'd smell that inside a house.

August 19, 2010 5:30 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

My house, that just means dinner...

August 19, 2010 5:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I've never blown a leaf in my life but I suck them voraciously"

hmmmm, interesting. Is everybody leaving this one alone? Come on, I need a little excitement, it's been a crappy day.

Roz

August 19, 2010 6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have the utmost respect for what Kurt has achieved in his life and career but I can't help think his name will be in the At Risk Survivors of the Darwin Awards for this episode.

August 19, 2010 7:57 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Yup, I'm leaving the leaf blowing phrase alone. Waaay too much ammo there.

August 19, 2010 8:53 PM  
Blogger Nursedude said...

Please note the use of the lower case "l" on the word leaf...

Using an upper case "L" would have created a much different and probably more interesting scenario.

How many more sleeps til hockey/mocking season starts?

August 19, 2010 9:26 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

In my time the leafs have never warranted a cap L.

So... if the foe shits...

What CB gets up to in his private life is one thing; introducing his foibles to the group in this manner is one heck of a way to make a point, however. And they are referred to as leaf blowers, not leaf suckers...

I digress...

And on the subject of obnoxious neighbours, Felix uses his leaf blower(s) to also clear/melt snow!!

You will note I introduced the plural; my eyes have just begun to recover from the sight last week of a shirtless Felix using two blowers similtaneously as if he was in some action movie. Thing is, Felix has magnificent moobs and the vibration, well.. you can doubtless imagine the rest.

August 20, 2010 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Omemeetc.

You should make a documentary of Felix Blowing Leaves. I am an amateur documentary maker and my first documentary was "Ho leaves the Neighbourhood". We had a ho living on the street and it was quite the moment when she moved out so I filmed it.

Roz

August 20, 2010 5:11 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

She did.

It's the film we all watch every Christmas as a family.

August 20, 2010 5:13 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

"It's the film we watch every Christmas as a family.."
I love this. That kind of twisted humor is right up my creek.You sure none of you are related to Hunter S Thompson?

August 20, 2010 10:55 PM  

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