November 19, 2010


Horrorscopes

Okay, I'll paraphrase from Jonathon Cainer in the Toronto Star, since I can't find it on line. Oh wait, I just did. There's the link. For readers who have asked for my interpretation....

Capricorn (me): If everything is going your way, why are you still so damned miserable? It's true some people who are having their arse handed to them and could be full of woe are still all happyhappyhappy, but that's not you, is it whiny girl? Alcohol may let you pretend you think everything is going your way, but wine lies. Be more hopeful this weekend.

Scorpio (jmd): You know when people think back to the good old days and say they were so, well, good? Yeah, they're lying. Crap yesterday, crap today, crap tomorrow. This weekend you may be tempted to do something that reminds you of something you 'over-romanticized' (his words, not mine). Don't be doing that. You have a chance to instead to create some wonderful future. Doesn't say if this is romantic or not. Your choice, I guess.

Leo (djc): Are you capable of going against the flow and being wonderful? You must do this, apparently, to be wonderful. But not too often or you'll just piss people off. You are very good at not 'running with the crowd' (his words). Be wary this weekend, because the crowd is running "in a ridiculous direction" (his words.) So, don't be ridiculous, I guess.

Sagittarius (for Roz, who didn't ask, but will no doubt do so when she sees this): You have had your fair share of trouble for the year (and no doubt doled out tons more; ask your family). If you're expecting more angst, you probably deserve it. But make an effort to stop being such a pain, and we can change the course. Now, the creepy part: "while you were asleep, various cosmic representatives went into negotiation on your part." Ewwwww. Right while you were asleep. But they apparently had a board meeting and have absolved you of some of that angst. Get out of jail free card has been issued. For now.

Aries (nursedude): Some crap about the twins in his family fighting. Oh, here's the point: the people who have the most in common fight the most. Hmmmm. He's learned as a parent to keep them apart blah blah blah...you apparently know what he's getting at. "Your best bet is to keep out of and away from this weekend's potential row!" (his words, and his exclamation point).

Virgo (B1): There are a lot of people who are pains in the ass. Or pains in the asses. Whatever. You, of course, are perfect, so it's all you can do to not point out to these people just how imperfect they are. This weekend, however, you are totally justified in pointing and shouting. But I'd duck if I were you.

Taurus (Beep): You wanted this, and now you're bitching? Of course stress comes with success. But to paraphrase him,"if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, because it's not just the kitchen where the heat rises" (if you knew my friend Beep, you would be laughing so hard right now at that line. Nevermind.) You are allowed to complain about the rigors and demands placed upon you by forging ahead, but you are not allowed to quit. So suck it up, I guess.

Pisces (Janie): When you're uncertain, life is pissy. This can make people be total sadsacks, who walk around with a little rain cloud over their head, certain the sky is falling. Or rain. I think I screwed up that analogy. Anyway. This weekend, stop being all glass- is- half- empty, and rejoice in the possibility that life might be great. ('Rejoice' is my word. I admit, it's not very Lorraine-like. Oh well.)

Gemini
(nobody asked, but I want to go take a bath so I'm doing it anyway): For the most part, most people are decent human beings. For the most part. Apparently, someone in your world is being a total jackass (my words, not his). As much as you would like to respond in kind, don't. You need to be all peace-out and hippy patient instead. I could never do this, but I'm not a Gemini, so I don't have to.

Cancer (see Gemini): If you're waiting for a reply to an email you sent or a call you made, give it up. You've spun someone out so badly they don't know how to answer. You're probably getting all pissyface with them right this minute, but they aren't being rude; you've just tossed a wrench into their brain. Be nice.

Aquarius (see Gemini): You may have noticed that if someone is watching, you act differently. It's like Paris Hilton posing on the red carpet with her head all twisty. Nobody actually looks like that in real life. This weekend, consider if you are watching somebody so closely they're acting all weird, and metaphorically twisting their head around for the camera.

8 Comments:

Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I nominate Lorraine as new horoscope writer for TO Star. This is fantastic stuff. Mine is very accurate for a Sagg. That's another thing, why does Jonathon use the Indian horoscope calendar? That makes me a Scorpio and I aint a Scorpio.

November 19, 2010 2:29 PM  
Anonymous B1 said...

You forgot Virgos (moi): Nitpicking anal retentatives who drive everyone around them crazy with verbal or non-verbal judgements. Can usually be found on the copy of desk of any daily newspaper whingeing about semi-colons.

November 19, 2010 2:54 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Virgo, as requested...and it seems to be spot on!

November 19, 2010 3:02 PM  
Blogger djc said...

Thanks Lorraine. You got Leo right. I agree with buzz. You should write another column in the Star.

November 19, 2010 4:09 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

I think this should be a regular feature of your blog whenever you are incapable of writing your own crap. We'll call it: Cosmic HorrorScope Interpretation or something. Maybe you can host a contest to name that feature and maybe you can include pictures of people and their pets. Maybe there's a TV show in there.

Is it wine time yet?

November 19, 2010 4:28 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

It looks like it was wine time for SOME of us a few hours ago, Roz.

I think I might do this on Fridays. Give everyone a nice little jolt for the weekends.

Friday Horrorscopes - I'll just use a different source every time and give it my own spin. This is to ostensibly keep things fun, but it is actually about saving me from being sued.

Fridays it is.

Webgod, are you listening? I need a new tab for my new site...

He hates when I do that.

November 19, 2010 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

WHO'S BITCHING?! I'm staying in the kitchen because I CAN stand the heat. Pfft!

November 19, 2010 5:54 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

When I clicked on "Click here to hear Your Love Life for 2011" it was quiet. Complete, utter, silence.

Nice to know nothing's gonna change.

November 23, 2010 8:15 AM  

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