November 26, 2010

Your Weekend Horrorscopes

As promised, this is now a weekly feature here at Salon Lorraine. The originals published Friday, November 26, are here (that link will change; if you get here late, well, you shouldn't have. I can't be bothered figuring out how to make it work for those of you who just bashed into my knees trying to find your seat in the dark.) We shall be keeping these in the originating order from last Friday, which is, the order all of you asked me for them. Mine is first. I asked me first. Well, obviously.

Capricorn: If you weren't surrounded by idiot people making idiot choices and doing idiot things that get in your way, how could you ever hope to recognize greatness? This weekend, you will find joy in some small wonderful thing, mostly because so many assholish things are going on all around you, it will look good in comparison.

Scorpio: Well, it appears there is a lot of chickens and road crossing, with the which-came-first-chicken-or-the-egg analogy thrown in to really confuse the issue. This makes no sense, so I'm going to create my own horoscope for you, Scorpio: While we say that if someone doesn't make a decision, that is a decision, it's possible you're reading far too much into somebody's else inaction.

Leo: Someone in your life is being a butthead. They are wrong and you are right. Any thinking person can see this. But if they're a Leo, think: they just read that sentence and are more secure than ever in their stupid assertions. That's where this horoscope stuff backfires. Anyway. Like most major things, the truth outs itself in the long run. You soon find out who was right about how much gas was really left in the tank, if it was safe to eat that green bread, and whether red dye makes little kids squirrely. Sometimes you can't tell anyone anything. They just have to find out for themselves.

Sagittarius: Well, after a bunch of ridiculous prattling on about leprechauns and unicorns and princesses and fairies, we finally must admit that they don't exist. No magic? Bah. While I certainly roll my eyes at 'magicians' like that guy who puts himself in a box for weeks at a time (I alwaysalwaysalways worry about the peeing), here in Canada, we have Kreskin, and he is most certainly amazing. So there. Anyway. I'm here to tell you that while magic doesn't exist, for you this weekend, it is making a special guest appearance. Hear that knocking? It's Kreskin.

Aries: In a total turnaround from what he just told Sagittarius, I get to tell Aries that angels and ghosts and souls do exist. I would like some of what Mr. Cainer is smoking. Anyway. This magical underworld is good news for you, Aries. They are watching out for you, and while you usually waste your magic wishes, pay careful attention to what you wish for. I'm guessing that should mean "let me have 100 wishes" or "let me find true love" instead of "make this hangover stop".

Virgo: Something about blue birds and Judy Garland and anti-matter. Sigh. Let me try to right this boat: Though you may be a naysayer (gawd, I love that word, ergo I used it. I love 'ergo', too. And 'trundled'.) there comes a time when you just have to appreciate that you can trust in something more special than you. What, you can't imagine something more special than you? Geez, you must be a pain to live with. There are bigger things out there. Shut your negative yap and embrace them.

Taurus: Keeping with the totally ridiculous magic theme...Taurus, if you had a magic wand, you could do all kinds of cool things. He mentions Harry Potter things, though I'm not a fan, and you probably aren't either, so we'll just skip that part. Anyway. Even though you don't have a wand (though I hope if you're a woman, you at least have a tiara), you can still perform miracles. Just remember: these miracles almost always take the form of making someone else feel awesome, and almost never in your house magically cleaning itself.

Pisces: Geez, I can never spell that without checking. Anyway. Don't be a pain in the ass this weekend. You'll give yourself and everyone around you a headache. Lower your expectations, and you'll be instantly happier. Hmm. That's like buying bigger pants and saying you lost weight, no? He also says to 'consider yourself entitled', but my guess if you're like most Pisces, you don't have a problem with that particular idea. But the planets love you, blah blah blah.

Gemini: You know movies where people are yelling in each others faces and spit flies? Like a drill sergeant? Well, apparently life isn't like that. Note: has this guy never seen our parliament in session? Anyway. In real life, the crap is usually far deeper beneath the surface. Note: hasn't this guy seen Caddyshack? Poop floats. What you think is stress is actually you just not getting your own way. So, you have a choice to stomp your feet or be a grownup. I go with stomping, personally.

Cancer: Talk of a book that is really tomorrow, and how you can't see it until tomorrow is today. Yeah. Nobody can predict the future (except the Amazing Lorraine; I should start charging for readings), but if you have a brain in your head, you can detect how those around you are going to act. I think this is like all the animals running uphill before a tsunami. Since you can't stop a tsunami, follow the animals, I guess.

: Remember when they found Pluto, and then took away its planethood? Said it was too small? But now they're doing that thing in Switzerland that I blogged about a few times about the wee particles that they think make up this planet? Essentially, sometimes really small - eensie small - is more important than just small. Personally, I feel bad for Pluto, but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss that. So Aquarius, keep your eyes open for tiny things, and let the bigger tiny things slide. Unless it's finding out what's making that smell behind the couch. Find that.

Libra: Sometimes, you just have to get out of your own way. He says you are 'undermining your own authority' (not carrying through on your threats to ground the little buggers), 'doubting your own judgment' (yeah, it really was the wrong colour paint) and 'indulging your worst weaknesses' (Cheesies. Weakness always involves Cheesies). So, this weekend, you need to praise yourself, and have self-love. Though where I'm from, that self-loving should probably be done in private.

EDIT: if you don't like your horoscope, just go read the others and pick one of them. I just make this stuff up, anyway.



Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

ROLF!! or whatever it is people say when they laugh really hard. Good one again.

Next week can Aries inherit the earth? Just punt Sarah Palin off it first, please.

November 26, 2010 9:39 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

All that chicken talk in my horoscope made me hungry. I'm going to KFC.

November 26, 2010 10:06 AM  
Blogger k said...

The planets love me! The planets love me!

November 26, 2010 10:24 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

This brings back so many memories - most of them quite fond. My first full-time job out of high school was with the largest private publishing house in the UK. Until they decided what to do with me, I worked in the Fiction department. Every Thursday, me and two other 'sub-editors' had to come up with a the equivalent of a month's horoscopes. Our editor would then vet them and release same in nice little packages to our various daily newspapers across the country.

Why not consider, assuming this takes off, 'guest' submissions for the appropriate month?

Just saying...

November 26, 2010 10:25 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

No. This is my site.

I'm in a bad mood.

November 26, 2010 10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where is Libra?

November 26, 2010 10:56 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Sorry, Libra.


November 26, 2010 11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ozzie; since we can't get on the site, we can make a compilation. Like this:(in order as blogged)
If you weren't surrounded by idiot people making idiot choices.
with the which-came-first-chicken-or-the-egg
Someone in your life is being a butthead.
Hear that knocking? It's Kreskin.
to tell Aries that angels and ghosts and souls do exist
Geez, you must be a pain to live with.
you could do all kinds of cool things
like buying bigger pants and saying you lost weight
you have a choice to stomp your feet or be a grownup
Yeah. Nobody can predict the future
but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss that
Sometimes, you just have to get out of your own way

Oh and the password was "fasin".

November 26, 2010 1:55 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I enjoyed it a lot. It hurt me to read it because of the stiches from bypass surgery but it was worth it.

November 26, 2010 7:04 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Hope you're feeling better;)

November 27, 2010 12:45 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Thanls for your wishes.I'll be feeling good by mid December I hope. It's amazing what can be done to a human body. I was one of the lucky ones. Took up cycling 2 years ago and had a good benchmark to assess something was amiss. Went to a doc, had the stress test, angiagram, then quad bypass. All in one month! No muscle damage because I never had a heart attack. I was very lucky believe it or not.

November 27, 2010 6:04 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

All the best, buzz. Hope to see you back on the bike in 2011. Although that's a sure way to near-death experiences, if you're on our Southern Ontario roads.

Try lawn darts. It's far safer.

November 27, 2010 9:34 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

unless you're on the receiving end...

hope you feel better soon buzzy.

November 29, 2010 10:00 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Something about folk with 'z's in their name...

Buzz, feel stronger soon. I had my own episode last year without warning but avoided bypass surgery

November 29, 2010 3:50 PM  

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