Though fueled by little sleep, I am happy to report that I was up early and out gathering worms for my family's Christmas feast. The meat guy at Sobeys got all cute and pretended he couldn't find my ordered turkey. I almost got even cuter by smacking him in the chops, but decided that would make angels cry or something. He giggled at his own joke, invited himself for Christmas dinner, and is no doubt now staring at the fake address I gave him. Save the humour till I'm knee deep in the Pinot, Chuckles. Speaking of clowns, this weekend's horoscopes, roundabouty from Jonathon Cainer (and me):
Capricorn: Did you know that in the olden days Santa smoked? As JC reminds me that this totally politically incorrect part of the classic old dude's behaviour has been airbrushed out, that means Christmas is a time to do bad things. I'm sure that's not what he meant. But I'm totally sure that's how I'm going to interpret it. Capricorn, if Santa can smoke a pipe, you can do anything you want.
Scorpio: There are reindeer on your roof. Oh wait, I just read these in the proper order. He's doing the night before Christmas poem, which of course doesn't work in Random Lorraine World. Scorpio, you hear prancing on your roof. This of course means something is trying to get into your life. While my go-to guess would be squirrels in the attic, for the sake of holiday magic we'll go with reindeer. He wants you to let the reindeer in, but the slam the door fast because there is bad stuff coming after the reindeer. Probably Billy Bob Thornton Bad Santa, which cracked me up. Sorry. Don't let BBT in. Send him here.
Leo: A tiny, tiny light can light up a big, big dark. This weekend, you can be that tiny, tiny light. You can be brilliant. Like a political slogan, yes you can! I think the point is that a little goes a long way - something I should have kept in mind before I just ate two huge mincemeat tarts. Basically Leo, you should be nice to people in that quiet way of yours, and you will be wonderful and sparkly. There are no Leos in my family. We could use some wonderful and spark. Dinner's at 7.
Virgo: The line from Twas The Night Before Christmas that this whole craziness is based on delivers the 'eight tiny reindeer' to you, Virgo. If you see flying livestock, you are probably drunk. The point is, you may, apparently, be seeing many wonderful things this weekend. You're supposed to believe in them and trust them and be glad that something decent is finally about to happen. This may translate into no ugly sweaters, no fruitcakes, no bad underwear and no Aqua Velva or Britny Spears' Eau de Trailer.
Sagittarius: Buncha crap about Santa may not be real, but the spirit of Santa is real. And also, Sagittarius, he is encouraging you to meddle this weekend if you know your meddling will result in something positive. Let me tell you, my lovely sister Roz (my Sagitarius), if you meddle at this house I will smack you. There will be no meddling. Which means with a little luck, there will be no smacking. The only way I will permit you to be one of 'Santa's helpers' (his line) is to perhaps refill my wine.
Aries: With the opening line of the poem supposed to be here, we get to ponder no stirring creatures; if you are making a martini, I recommend you keep stirring, however. In the midst of all the crazy, Aries, you should find a moment of peace. It is apparently going to be transcendent, so get ready. Within that little moment, you are going to sense that a higher power really is at work, and this will inspire you. It could also mean that you hooked the cables up right.
Taurus: Something this weekend will happen that let's you believe in magic again, Taurus. Maybe Uncle Edgar won't get as drunk. Maybe you won't forget the squash in the microwave and the buns in the oven like that year you got drunk before dinner (I'm looking at you, Mom). Even though you've conditioned yourself not to expect anything, ever ('no, really, I don't want anything!'), you should. Expect good things, and you will get good things. I would like to team up with a Taurus this weekend. You get to expect good things, and I get to do bad ones. High fives a Taurus.
Cancer: Oh, you get the 'clatter' line of the poem. I love that word. It sounds so....noisy. You can expect some drama this weekend, Cancer. It might be noisy but it doesn't have to lead to trauma. Actually, he says that it could be 'a catalyst for a much needed healing experience'. Oh geez. This can only mean one thing: someone is going to use the family gathered at Christmas to stage an intervention. Let me know how that goes.
Aquarius: You're to imagine what it would be like if you really saw Santa, Aquarius. Not the grubby pee-smelling guy at the mall, but the real Santa. 'Might you be touched by the amazing spirit of a legend'? I might be, if it was Elvis. Or Johnny Cash. Or Robert Duvall. You know. Real legends. But I guess Santa is good enough. You're being promised the possibility of something wonderful. Let me know if Elvis shows up.
Pisces: For you, Santa flies on through the night, and with it all the magic you managed to muster up for Christmas. Look around - not at the balled up paper the dog is slobbering on, not your son digging through the trash for the gift card he accidentally threw out, not your mother-in-law taking all the white meat as leftovers - no, look past that and imagine inserting this magic into the whole year. Good luck with that. Everyone just blew through a month's income in 2 days, and you're supposed to sustain this how?
Libra: He lists off the reindeer names. I always forget that Donner is really Donder. Anyway. Some crankiness that 'experts' (his air quotes) tell us not to believe in love, beauty, human good nature and astrology, and this gets him all cranky. I need to tell him that reading his stuff doesn't make me doubt love, beauty, or human good nature - but seriously? He's made me stop believing in astrology. Libra, he says you will be vindicated this weekend in some weird belief you have. If you see flying reindeer let me know. I'll believe in a reindeer's ability to fly more than I'll believe in JC's ability to do astrology.
Gemini: He questions what sugar plums are, and for once, I agree. What the hell is a sugar plum? Don't tell me. I don't care all that much. I'm too full of mincemeat. Gemini, like all little kids who are dreaming of stuff tonight (and yes, I get how politically incorrect this all is. But I've yet to meet a kid of any colour or nationality who didn't get a little Santa fever, with or without their parent's knowledge or blessing), you are supposed to remember a dream you gave up on as a kid. Maybe you wanted a pony (you're not getting one); maybe you wanted Daddy to come home (no clue); maybe you wanted a Big Wheel (totally cool request. I wanted one too). This Christmas might return a little of that hope to you. Go outside. There's a Big Wheel.
Merry Christmas, you stroppy lot. If you don't do Christmas, Merry Whatsmus, to quote my friend Sarah. Be nice to each other, don't drive drunk, give a little shout out to people who might be facing a tough season, and find joy in the little moments.
In the end, they're all little moments.
Labels: christmas horoscopes