Man, I'm doing these early. It's just after 7. And all for you, my sweetiehearts. I am out of here shortly to go see what Mazda has on offer for the coming year, then I shall be at the Toronto Motorcycle Show tonight - It's Ladies Night. Why? Why is a woman who cannot for the life of her get her motorcycle licence going to be at the show? Well, it's still a fun industry, especially the part where women are increasing their involvement, and apparently (I do not recall this part, Liz) I agreed to take part in an onstage something-or-other. Come on down. I'll be something-or-othering around 9pm.
As always, I will be basing my interpretive dance routines on the magic of noted astrologer and consummate bafflegabber, Jonathan Cainer. Those are the originals. Though mine are more fun. And probably more right.
Capricorn: There is talk of heedlessly throwing your worm into waters with no fish. This is an analogy for 'why are you wasting your time'. But wait, look over there. A huge fish. Waiting. Aha! You are not wasting your time! He actually says this weekend might bring you 'all the happiness you might wish for'. I mostly wish for wine and Christmas baking. Maybe I should broaden my scope. Maybe I should wish for my motorcycle licence.
Scorpio: Oh, I like Scorpio's. Sometimes you just have to trust that things you can't explain are the best to lead you. Guidance may come from places that are difficult to explain, but it's real. You are actually encouraged to let yourself be clueless, and time will provide all that you are looking for. You can call me if you like; I won't be busy - I'll just be fishing.
Leo: Oh, dear. Our esteemed Starman bungles into the territory of matter and anti-matter. Because he apparently poo-poos science, he's decided that anti-matter literally means 'doesn't matter'. Sigh. Ignore this. Let's instead consider more useful interpretations of things we don't understand, Leo. Let's consider the universe as a great balancing act - and whether you prefer things like yin and yang or teeter totters, appreciate that every action will produce a reaction - somewhere. Tread thoughtfully this weekend, or your actions may bite you in the butt.
Sagittarius: Some people are full of crap. They say what they think you want to hear, even though you can tell in a heartbeat they are idiots. While you can't control these delusional people (nor stop them from running for public office), you can make sure you aren't guilty of the same kind of thing. You know, hiding what you really mean from someone. Lying. Hahahahaa. I'm sorry. This is Roz and she can't lie if her life depended on it.
Aries: Much talk about wisdom. If someone asks if you are wise, Aries will apparently know to answer 'wise enough to know I'm not very wise'. I hate those kind of weasel answers. It's like the fortune cookie strips with their pithy little sillinesses. I just eat the cookie. But Aries, you are being told someone this weekend around you is not so wise as you, but not to worry; they will trip themselves up. So, I guess you get to watch a friend stumble, laugh at your own wiseness. Then eat a cookie.
Virgo: Wow. A year ago, he asked you if you had anything to be ashamed of. I've only know Mr. Cainer for a few weeks, so I have no way to verify this for you, Virgo. Well, I do, but I have to go have a shower in a few minutes, so check yourself. Anyway, a year ago you had nothing to apologize for, and this year, you still don't. Ya know, I'm all for recycling, but the least he could do is give you, say, Capricorn's advice from a year ago. Nobody reads all of these. Geesh. But for this weekend, go forth with no drama. You are totally right.
Taurus: "The world is full of people who don't really know how to operate various pieces of equipment". Yes, yes it is. My boys are mystified by a blender. Or at least a blender lid. But you are being encouraged to accept 'good enough' this weekend. This is sage advice when it comes to things like the cordless phone or assembling a Christmas tree. I still don't recommend it for things like backhoes and bungee jumping cables. Even Mr. Cainer must admit some things call for a little precision. In which case, Taurus, just don't go bungee jumping this weekend, in case the operator is a fellow Taurus.
Cancer: First, he scrambles the definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I think that was Einstein. Cainer is no Einstein. He goes on to say that this can be a good thing if things are a little crazy and you would like to calm them down. Don't change the plan. He says excitement and drama can produce unsure results. I say go for the drama, if only because this guy keeps telling everyone to stay calm. Pffffffffft, I say.
Pisces: You are being told that you can bitch until you're blue in the face - if you don't consider where your message is landing and tailor your delivery accordingly, it won't get through. He says if you want to 'inspire and excite' someone (but not Cancer - Cancer isn't doing excitement this weekend), you will pause and focus on what you want to achieve. You will be 'wise'. Like Aries. Maybe you should hang out with Aries and share wisdom. Apparently, that is the only sign that will be receptive to your genius ideas this weekend.
Aquarius: He takes a whole paragraph to tell Aquarius that 'sh*t happens'. But because nobody is allowed to have a crappy weekend forecast, he tells you to think about fairy tales and good thoughts. Jeezzzzzus. Rainbows and unicorns, Aquarius. Think happy thoughts. Positive thoughts. Personally, I think you're just gonna have a lousy weekend on some fronts. So honestly? It's just your turn. Lay low and stay in bed.
Gemini: Oh, here's a neat trick. Now he's telling Gemini that 'luck happens'. I guess stay away from Aquarius, who is having a rockier go of it this weekend. Gemini, like some random game show contestant, you don't need to deserve it, nor have applied for it. Apparently, this weekend will be good for you for no damned good reason. I guess you are going to get lucky.
Libra: Oh. Much babbling about how someone had only seen you stub your toe, they would think you're a klutz, and you're not, of course. You need perspective this weekend. This reminds me a Seinfeld bit when he said that if aliens glimpsed earth and saw people running around picking up their dog's poop, they'd believe dogs were kings. So the same way they shouldn't believe this, we shouldn't believe you're a klutz because of the *one time* you stubbed your toe. He doesn't say what it means if you stub your toe while picking up dog poop.
And now, I must go find some heels to totter around in for the day, and some sensible ones to wear to the motorcycle show. Oh! I know! My new boots! Yessssssss. See you at the show....