December 17, 2010

Weekend Horoscopes - December 17

Once again, in no predictable order, the astrological stylings of Johnathon Cainer, as interpreted by moi. Once again, their random order totally reflects the fact that they make no sense. Well, mine make sense. I think he takes one of those fridge magnet poetry kits and trips while carrying the box.

Capricorn: Oh, for the luv of Mike. Capricorns are supposed to work a miracle this weekend. I (I say 'I' because I am a Capricorn, and pretty much the only one I know or care about) am supposed to heal wounds and defuse tense situations. Let me tell you how I am going to achieve that: 5 teenage girls are gonna be making gingerbread houses in my dining room. If I don't kill them in a fit of festive wine-induced icing sugar mania, the miracle will be that we all survive.

Leo: He gives a plug for a book about living your life, no doubt written by some friend of his. Writers all do that. When I have a book, there will be payback. Anyway, he babbles about babies not coming with instructions, and how Leo doesn't get an instruction book either. I say if you're not crapping in your pants and crying cuz you dropped your nuk nuk over the side of your playpen, you're doing okay.

: Much babble about Santa having come early, but left - I kid you not - a pile of reindeer sh*t instead of a gift. Taurus can be reassured, however, that the festive spirit will soon take hold and all the bad will go away and you will soon be spinning around a Swiss Alp like Julie Andrews singing that the hills are alive. I made that last part up. Not the 'things getting better' part. The Julie Andrews part.

Sagittarius: No slave to fashion, you, Sagittarius. Nope. You buy what you like and trends and fads be damned. This is admirable. It also means you are one tiny phone call away from Stacy and Clinton showing up on your front step. But we are told you still read all the flyers and still ponder those trends you abhor; this weekend you must fake enthusiasm. Awesome. Wearing a ratty old bathrobe, you get to tell the love of your life of course it was good for you.

Scorpio: Hmmm. You don't need the constant reassurance of others. You don't care if people tell you how great you are. You can't be bothered to argue; others can think whatever they want. You actually just want to achieve 'harmony' for everyone, and by staying calm you are prepared to achieve this. I can tell you one thing for sure: you are not a Capricorn.

Virgo: He starts out with a rather random comment that some parts of your body you can cut off and they grow back. He means things like hair and nails, but of course I instantly twitch and think about things like feet and ears. But I am to tell you that your heart can heal. Not if it's cut out and thrown on the floor, mind you, but if some ass made you love him, sponged off you for two years, took credit for all the gifts you gave his mother and spent all your money on pot because it helped him with his 'music' - yeah, apparently that can heal. He's actually saying this can heal. Bah. I say heal by moving on. Your call.

Cancer: He's playing Brave New World for you, Cancer. Not the book, thank god. I hate science fiction. But he's basically telling you that you can take this time to start over. Or not. This man is infuriating. Let's ignore him, shall we? I say if the past year has been ruttish, or frustrating, change something. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. Change that. Life's too short. I'm so much more helpful.

Gemini: Oh. You have a 'get out of jail free' card this weekend. I love this concept. Always have. Don't waste it though, because this doesn't mean you have endless opportunities to be an idiot. Well, you probably do, but consider you will only be forgiven for one of them. This means if you drink too much, make a pass at the married neighbour, don't hold the door at the mall, take the last parking spot, hide when the paperkid rings the bell for his Christmas tip or only flip on your windshield wipers to clear the snow from your car, you will only be forgiven for one of them. But I will never, ever forgive you for the last one.

Pisces: Some nonsense about tinned soup only being bad if you don't have a can opener. This guy s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s this analogy out like a bad sweater to mean that you can pierce anyone's protective shield to find out all you need to know. Allow me to tell you something, for free: if you work and fidget and noodle around trying to get someone to open up, you usually end up really, really wishing you hadn't bothered.

Aquarius: Apparently yesterday he told you to pay attention to the facts. We don't know this, because we didn't read it. Anyway, today he's telling Aquarius to hold on to your dream (I now have that song playing in my head) because you might, possibly, maybe find a way to make a little bit of it come true. Lorraine here: those odds suck. Work your butt off for awhile and get a new dream.

Aries: You can do something really small this weekend and make someone really, really happy. And if they're happy, you can get stuff out of them. He says it so it doesn't sound like that, but who are we kidding? Apparently this weekend there is some huge project you are contemplating. Something that usually makes you pissypants. But you should just haul out all your charm and it will be easy. I guess that's the part where you get other people to do things for you.

Libra: First, he quotes from Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. I didn't know the words were 'plasticine porters', so I am happy to now know that. You are encouraged to travel in your mind and be all dreamy. There is talk of the physical world versus your dream world, and how you should just embrace the bizarre bits. I think he's telling you to drop acid, frankly. I don't recommend it. There are already too many sparkly, shiny things all over the place. You'll probably just throw up on your winter boots.

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Anonymous jmd said...

My motto as a Scorpio is "remain calm at all times." This leads to a placid exterior, but my insides are probably one big roiling ulcer. Thinking about taking up drinking in a serious way.

December 17, 2010 9:45 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Being an Aries I am constantly trying to impress people with my small... things. If you're telling me I have to empty my garage of the 100,000 items that are in it, wash it out, and then paint it this weekend, I will stop reading this blog until you print a full retraction.THAT is what makes me pissypants

Normally my personality is my only form of birth control, so charm is off the books.

December 17, 2010 10:04 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I may not be a slave to fashion but I must admit I have bought an aviator cap with rabbit fur and it looks really good on me.In fact I've got my whole family wearing them now.

December 17, 2010 10:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No time to be a cry baby this weekend. Too many birthdays happening. I'll just stand back and drink beer with them all.

Maybe buzz can add an awkward family photo? Do they all have old house coats?

December 17, 2010 12:54 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

jmd: I can totally help you out with that.

Oh, and Buzz? "..and it looks really good on me"...hahahaa

December 17, 2010 2:34 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

hey Buzz,

I agree with djc, I think a family picture is definitely in order. Call it your Xmas gift to all of us. Hopefully most of your family also wear glasses as those hats look great with glasses.

December 17, 2010 3:12 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Like this will come as little surprise, but I have two different versions of the aforementioned hat. It goes without saying we refer to them as doofus hats.

That is all.

December 17, 2010 5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roz! You are back.

I thought we had lost you there "fur" a bit.

Do all visiting commenters with double consonants have hats like these?

December 17, 2010 5:51 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Nah, I'm here. I had a Christmas lunch I had to attend. Just out there spreadin' the joy - harassing others. fa la la la la, la la la la!

December 18, 2010 12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahahaaa. Roz, you sleigh me sometimes.

December 19, 2010 4:06 PM  

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