December 3, 2010

Weekend Horoscopes - December 3

It's so nice to have good habits. Like bringing to everyone these insightful - or maybe inciting - interpretations of what the weekend holds for you. I think inciteful should be a word. It's not. Anyway, I shall be doing a interpretative word dance to the musings of Real Horoscope Guy, Jonathon Cainer. Originals are here. We begin with the best one of all, Capricorn.

: Lots of waxing on about the sword and the stone myth. Which is interesting, because my friend Sarah just wrote about that last week in her column. Anyway. We are asked to consider what if the wrong stone presents itself to the right puller? What if the wrong puller finds the right stone? Arghhhhhhh! Myths explode! The upshot is that this weekend, me (and all Capricorns, I guess, though I don't much care about them) will be finding the right stones and be the rightful pullers and much joy shall ensue. Either that, or my weekend is gonna be full of rocks.

Scorpio: Oh. Scorpio, you're to have an awesome weekend. Apparently, you can become a sloth and stay in bed all weekend if you like. Something about Venus showing up. You are charming, and people will let you get away with all kinds of nonsense, even people who don't like you. Though you find it hard to believe, yes, there are people who don't like you. I suggest you get a stack of books, take-out phone numbers, a charged phone, find the remote and stash the fridge full of wine. Then call me.

Leo: Oh geez, he really made a dog's breakfast of yours, Leo. Sorry. I'll do what I can. Somehow, we shall mangle the Beatles' All You Need is Love by saying it can't end wars. Duh. And that if you tell people you love them it can make them upset or aggressive. Yeah, that's why we have restraining orders, people. The kicker? He says this weekend the love that awaits you is 'inspiring, high and pure'. I think you're getting a kitten.

Sagittarius: Oh. A lesson in right vs wrong. And blather that sometimes wrong is right and right is right, and wrong is just wrong. (I think I know how this guy writes. He promises himself if he can just get so many words done, he can have wine. I think he should drink the wine first.) You have apparently been struggling with wrongness, and now I can instruct you to give up. I guess it's like permission to take the weekend off from crusading. I suggest wine.

Aries: As we continue our theme of Opposites Weekend (really, this theme stuff is like when the Brady Kids wore matching outfits and sang - ick), you, Aries are to discover that some things you usually find difficult are easy, and vicey versa. You seem to think you are going to have a bitch of a weekend, but apparently, the stars have decided you shall have a smooth one. I don't know if these are stars like Burt Reynolds or Pam Anderson or the twinkly ones, however. This man makes so little sense I suggest you choose a star you love and make a wish. But don't blow too hard on Burt Reynolds - toupee and all that.

Virgo: This is crap. He is telling Virgos not to worry about anything this weekend. To just let things go, and things that seemed important just won't be. 'Set yourself free this weekend,' he says. Let me tell you: if the little Virgo in my household doesn't fix the humidifier and vacuum the rec room, he will die a virgin. I think. If you're a grown up Virgo who has no impact on my household, do what you like. Otherwise, ignore this reading.

: Oh, more 'don't worry, be happy'. This guy doesn't do 12 horoscopes, he does one, over and over. Taurus needs to remember that animals can smell fear. And since people are basically animals with things like travel mugs and underwire bras, we too can sense fear. Except we're stupid about it, and often fear things that don't need to be feared. He's obviously never worn an underwire bra. In keeping with today's theme, no need to worry. This weekend is apparently comprised, for all of us, of rainbows and ponicorns.

Pisces: Oh. Pisces, you aren't getting a free ride this weekend, it seems. You're being told it wouldn't kill you to be a little nicer. Hmmmm. You can still say 'no' to something, but you should do so with one of those fake, ass-kissing smiles on your face. Oooooo. I hate when people do that. So, I am going to tell you not to do that. People don't like it. Especially if their underwire is cutting into them.

Gemini: Even though you are bombarded with endless news reports and bulletins, you are not to worry. Thanks to Sarah Palin, we all know Foxnews is the only source of information you really need. He didn't say that. I did. But he is saying to ignore the 'incomplete picture' you are presented with, and merrily go on your way. He hopes you will 'broaden your topics of conversation' this weekend. Please don't interpret this as a time to tune in Foxnews. People like Palin are just like the kid who plays the triangle in the school band. One note.

Cancer: His best line, ever. He admits you don't need to be an astrologer to predict things. Ya think? But he cautions you, Cancer, that your best surprise lies in your blind spot. This is exactly true. I'm positive the dead mouse in my kitchen is behind the stove, and I don't want to look. Hence, my 'surprise' is in my blind spot. What you can readily see is not so obvious to others, Cancer. While you're waiting for them to wise up, perhaps you could swing by and help me pull out the stove.

: Do not be swayed by 'too good to be true' offers this weekend. Beware the old buy-one-get-one-free thing, and ask all the embarrassing questions you need to. I love asking embarrassing questions. I also love buying one and getting one free. Even if I don't know what 'one' is. I think this is not a good weekend for Aquarius to go Christmas shopping, because you're going to buy a bunch of useless crap just so you can check people off your list. They know when you do that. Really. Especially if you give everyone the same thing.

Libra: First, you are being encouraged to barter this weekend. If you have too much of one thing and not enough of another, trade. I suggest you call Aquarius. She/he has been shopping, and goofed. Libra, you must also not blow something out of proportion. Some things are just that easy. If you have a hard time relaxing, give Scorpio a call. She's lying in bed eating bonbons and drinking wine.

This seems to be Don't Worry, Be Happy weekend. I really think this guy should mete out his relaxation schedules a little less en mass. He as an entire calendar of us sitting around with our thumbs up our butts, believing we worry for no reason. We Capricorns, notorious for doing whatever we like, can't steer the entire ship for a whole weekend. Geez. I encourage control freak signs to ignore the tinkly spa music playing in today's horoscopes, and keep an eye on things.


Anonymous Sarah said...


December 03, 2010 9:38 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Being an Aries, I'm hoping you're spot on. I will be manning (or womanning if a certain Star shows up) a Salvation Army Ball at the LCBO in Oakville (OK... there are more than one.) It may not be my favourite way to spend a Saturday, but I do it out of respect to Uncle Jim who was killed in WWII (not Wii, for the young ones in the crowd) and always wrote home to say how much help the Sally Anne was. So if Pam Anderson shows up and shows me a little appreciation... the sun will shine a little brighter. Jennifer Aniston would be better, thanks.

December 03, 2010 9:54 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Incidentally... Roz, if you're out there. To water a Poinsettia properly you have to remove the crinkly plastic stuff around the pot, fill a sink with 8 3/64" of water and place the pot in the sink.


Wait some more.

Let it soak lots of water up through the bottom of the pot (no analogies, please.)

Remove the pot and replace the shiny, crinkly plastic stuff.

Your poinsettia will outlive your next door neighbour. Unless he never has sex with a praying mantis.

December 03, 2010 10:02 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Not sure about his or your interpretation for Taurus (as if you had not already guessed). Hectic weekend on the menu. Saturday, change two litterboxes (cats, if there was any doubt) and drive to Mum's in Ashburn to socialise her mutt puppy (looks like an Ewok with even shorter legs) with Ben. Sunday morning, leave Barrie at 4am, pick up Nissan Pathfinder and drive to Detroit for Bears vs. Lions NFL game - all to do with an article I've been assigned. This will be about a road trip experience in a Pathfinder, crossing the border, tailgating (at the Eastern Market), seeing the game and then driving home - all in one day. Thank Gawd for sat. radio.

Nary a rainbow or unicorn in sight - unless 'shrooms are ingested around 1pm...

December 03, 2010 10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My weekly compilation:

-Arghhhhhhh! my weekend is gonna be full of rocks.
-I suggest you get a stack of books, take-out phone numbers, a charged phone, find the remote and stash the fridge full of wine
-this weekend the love that awaits you is 'inspiring, high and pure'.
-it's like permission to take the weekend off from crusading.
-But don't blow too hard on Burt Reynolds
-he will die a virgin.
-He's obviously never worn an underwire bra.
-So, I am going to tell you not to do that.
-just like the kid who plays the triangle in the school band.
-What you can readily see is not so obvious to others
-I think this is not a good weekend for
-lying in bed eating bonbons and drinking wine.

December 03, 2010 10:09 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Hhhmmmm, substitute the word beer for wine and my horrorscope is good to go.Enjooyed reading mine and the others, thanks.

December 03, 2010 7:23 PM  
Anonymous PJ said...

Yippee! I don't have to go Christmas shopping! Although my wife is having trouble with 'I don't have to go Christmas shopping because Lorraine said so."
Who's this Lorraine?

December 03, 2010 8:19 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

hey CB-ntv, thanks for the poinsettia tips. that'll help explain why I murder them so quickly every year.

next question: why can't my name be blue like everyone else's?

December 04, 2010 11:14 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Must. Control. Urge. To. Make. First. Comment. That. Springs. To. Mind.

I believe, dear Twisted Sister it has something to do with having an association with Google. You known Gmail, Blogspot et al.

Set up something there and you too may become a blue person -- that, of course, ensuring you remember who you are.

December 04, 2010 11:23 AM  
Anonymous B1 said...

Well, I know a Virgo who would really, really like it if his favourite Scorp stayed in bed all weekend.

Just sayin'....

December 04, 2010 3:14 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

We're Smurfs.

You're not.

There's a convoluted initiation we can do which involves chicken feet and cod lips. Oh... and a whole lot of alcohol of dubious lineage.

There are no guarantees that your name will turn blue, but your face will, and it will grow hair on your chest.

Or maybe it's my chest. I can never remember.

December 05, 2010 9:23 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...

You know what, I figured it out and I'll stay black. (took me too long to figure out how to show my name - again, thanks to WGJ) I'm going to soak my poinsettia now...

December 06, 2010 4:07 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Hear there's a lotion that can help with that these days.

December 06, 2010 4:21 PM  

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