January 7, 2011

Good Vibrations?

If you have an aversion to a story with 'sex toy' in the headline, don't click on this.

Okay. You back? Ewwwwwwwwwwww. Somebody really needs to explain something to me. You date a guy who even has the propensity to do something like this - I mean, you date a guy who even has the propensity to do something like this? Unless a person is under the age of, let's say 25 or so, they have pretty much established most of their character traits. I'm being generous. I actually believe this stuff is established closer to age 3, but I'll toss in some leeway.

So you date a freak. I don't know why. Any guy (or girl) is better than none? To get your family to quit bugging you about when you're going to get a mate? Whatever. You go find a guy with the nicest mullet around (did you see that picture? Am I the only one hearing alarm bells?) If someone looks like a candidate for this site, what is it exactly that is screaming 'potential spouse' to you? Anyway. Let's not dwell on hair. Lots of people make mistakes. My Journey Through the History of Lorraine's Hair could scare many small children. But let's say you'll give a pass to someone's physical imperfections. Good for you. I hate shallow people.

But let's move on in the relationship. You and the Mullet are doing all the usual date things. Maybe renting movies, grabbing a bite to eat, picking up buck shot, gun powder and triggers. And sex toys. The only thing missing is booze. Oh wait. The local paper has a quote from the liquor store owner, saying Terry Lester, he of the mullet, was a real nice guy. You know things are bad when you've been busted for rigging a dildo with buckshot for your ex-girlfriend, and the only character witness they can find to vouch for you runs the local liquor depot.

So, Terry Lester (I really wish his middle name was Heezama) leaves behind this gift after being tossed out of the apartment. Because all women would certainly want a sex toy from their ex-boyfriend, the woman took it right to the police. Bad plan, Terry. Didn't think that through, didja? Apparently, the thing had a trigger hooked up. He figured he'd just blow them up at the right moment. Brings a whole new meaning to 'was it good for you?', no?

But my point. This is the first aberrant behaviour from the guy? Really? You're going to tell me someone goes from normal to womb bomber in the blink of an eye? The more stuff I read about things that my brain can't even understand once they've been explained, the more lost I get. Here's a trick: if you date someone, and all of their previous relationships have been disasters because the exes were at fault, get a second opinion.

And don't open any presents they leave behind.



Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Wow....This character is something else. "His previous relationships ended badly," big surprise there!
After reading this, it got me thinking about one guy in high school I always wondered about. The one who actually enjoyed biology, disecting frogs and stuff.
Makes me real glad he wasn't at the school reunion.

January 07, 2011 2:00 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the term crotch rocket.

January 07, 2011 2:16 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...


jmd, you win.

January 07, 2011 3:55 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Oh great. Now all my pop up ads are coming up "Date Lucinda The Freak" and "Stone Age Swedish penis carvings"


My word verification: volkship

I may have my next invention.

January 07, 2011 9:04 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

...actually jmd, I was thinking it gave a whole new meaning to' Explosive Sex'


January 07, 2011 11:21 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

DJW... good one! We should go into the advertising business together.

January 08, 2011 9:34 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

And just like that, the advertising world falls over in a dead faint.

January 08, 2011 9:36 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

...and what would the tagline be?

'More Bang For Your Buck'


January 09, 2011 11:10 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Just thought, the perfect Christmas song for this escapade would've been "Silent Night."

January 09, 2011 12:30 PM  

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