January 2, 2011


Horoscopes, a la Lorraine

When you have your own blog, you can do anything you want. Actually, that's not totally true. True story: I woke up this morning from a horrible dream. You know when you wake up too early, and go back to sleep? You know those dreams you have in that little mini-sleep you wanted so badly? Those mini-sleep dreams that are so scary and real you wake up all horror movie wide-eyed and wishing you'd just gotten your arse out of bed at 6 and put the kettle on, mini-sleep be damned? Yeah, I had one of those dreams. I had received an email from my editor who was telling me to take down a comment on a blog I contribute to because I had been found out. The letters were slanty like that - I had been found out. He was telling me to pull it, pull it, pull it! So in my dream I'm frantic, for two reasons: there was nothing for me to pull, and a writer wants to be found out. We want to be found out more than we want a perfect martini, more than we want to cuddle new kittens, more than we want to buy yet another pair of leather boots. That is how much we want to be found out. So my mini-sleep dream actions were totally contrary to my real-world ones, and this was making me crazy. And then I looked at the original (dream) email again, and saw that it now didn't come from my editor, but from some spammer. This totally confused me, so I just woke up and decided to put the kettle on. This made the cats happy, because they were hungry, and are always annoyed when I nearly wake up then decide I'd like a mini-sleep. "Don't do it," says Maggie with her eyes. "We both know this won't end well." Next time I'm listening to Maggie.

Oh wait. I had a point. I didn't do horoscopes on Friday because I was too busy. And I'm also really bored with making fun of that Cainer guy, who, I'll be honest, is sooooooo hard to read and even harder to read twelve times. So I thought I would find new horoscopers to make fun of, but I haven't had time to find one yet. So, today I am the guest 'scoper. I made it up all by myself, and no dream editor can make me pull it. I shall be basing my vast intergalactic knowledge on all my people experience and an assist from the fabulous Linda Goodman. I am going to make grandiose statements and predictions for all of you based on your birthdays - remember: this is for fun and entertainment only. Save your tears and lawsuits for another day. These will be in what I consider the proper order: starting with those of us whose birthday is now.

Capricorn
Work: Though noted as a disciplined and methodical sign of the zodiac, your steady - if somewhat unspectacular - career climb is often attributed to great tenacity paired with caution. We both know this is crap: you would do far better far faster if you didn't procrastinate so much. Get off your ass, Capricorn. Tune out the noise of the crowd, learn to listen to the handful of people you actually respect, and pair your ability to succeed with a new ability stop putting things off.
Love: All that discipline in one area of your life pretty much makes you a dork in this one. You may finally understand what it should be, but your inability to let anyone else lead not only makes you a lousy dancer, it can consistently means you get in your own way when it comes to love. Relax.

Aquarius
Work:
By now, you are probably used to getting that look at work because you keep saying 'I know because I just know'. Your ability to grasp the big picture problems on the job and in the world are commendable; but you need to figure out a way to communicate this knowledge to those who don't see things the same way you do. There must be visionaries, but there must also be a cast of thousands to put those visions into reality. Learn to understand all the roles, and things will get easier.
Love: Though you are pretty damned good at the out-of-the-gate stuff, you might find yourself fumbling in your long term relationships. Part of this is your selfishness; see that word as just a word, and not a condemnation. The moment you turn your perspective to your partner's position, things will get better.

Pisces
Work: Your ability to ponder things deeply - almost at a spiritual kind of level - can sometimes lead people to think you're not working. Because we move so fast in this culture, allowing thinkers to, well, think, has become a luxury. This hampers your natural way of working; convincing others your way not only has merits, but can benefit the bottom line means sensing like-minded individuals, resisting the urge to coast, and turning your insight into a reality.
Love: You've spent your life in a curious mixture of patterns designed to throw people off the truth: though you crave a constant, trusted love, you've made a lot of noise falling in 'love' all over the place in an attempt to hide that you're scared. It doesn't always have to hurt.

Aries
Work: You have been misunderstood. A lot. People have mistaken courage for selfishness, though only you totally get how single-minded you must be to succeed. Expecting to be let down, you work harder to attain your goals while simultaneously trying to ferret out who might be plotting against you. Even you can see how this is counter-productive; remember that while you are smart to learn from past mistakes, don't bring old prejudices to new people.
Love: While you are shockingly aware of how much love matters to you, you sometimes have difficulty negotiating the give-and-take part. You've been accused of being a taker, though that is mostly a view taken by those who fail to stare unblinkingly past your carefully constructed outer shell - the one that is protecting the child you pretend isn't there.

Taurus
Work: The people you work with rarely 'get' you, but they do know they can rely on you. Your ability to stick with something others have abandoned is valued; this year, you need to look more closely at why others have abandoned something, however. Though you are often right, sometimes a few steps back will provide you with a bigger picture - and a redirection of your energies will lead to bigger success, and more happiness.
Love: People might have accused you of being remote. This is more often about trust than coldness, which you know but feel little inclination to share. You experience love the way you experience everything else: by calling on all of your senses, including your intuition. You may eat and drink and laugh your way into people's hearts, you are less inclined to let them into yours without them first passing some unseen test. Trust your gut.

Gemini
Work: Your greatest career attribute is probably your flexibility. Unlike others who can be thrown off by a last minute change of plans, you, more than most, welcome the chance to show off. You almost trust in your abilities enough to enjoy this. Almost. Resist the urge this year to lay low. Depending on your field, sharpen your skills, seek out new challenges, and flaunt that flexibility that is so desired in this changing world.
Love: That vaunted flexibility can be more challenging in your love life. While people may perceive you as less caring or devoted to matters of the heart, you still need to seek a way to find balance. Love can be restrictive, but the right love can be worth far more to you than its cost. Take the time to truly ascertain not just what you need from a partner, but what you can bring.

Cancer
Work: You can get a little pissy when people can't hear the same music you hear. You have a great imagination, and the ability to transform that vision into solid results. Getting the rest of the team on board can sometimes prove trying, however. Fight your moodiness this year, Cancer. Turn that energy away from brooding, and into a force for good. You will accomplish two things: you will gain the acceptance you crave, and you will also enjoy new successes.
Love: Your hesitancy has already cost you enough. Yes, someone is capable of loving you as much as a beloved parent does. And that love will do more than entertain and make you happy - it will heal and sustain you as you move forward.

Leo
Work: A natural leader, you probably seek out positions of authority. This works well for you, and usually for those you lead. There are two kinds of leaders: those who swell up on the belief they are better then those beneath them, and those who genuinely care about the teamwork and results. While you are more likely to be the caring, loyal type, remind yourself how others view you.
Love: You are a great believer in love. You are capable of loving many people and many things, and of course, yourself. This is actually all great news - but take care with how you spread this love around. Don't water down the impact of your love - it's an awesome thing in its full intensity.

Virgo
Work: You have a tenacity at work that employers covet: you work first to play later. While you silently question those who work the other way around, your diligence is not being overlooked. But this year, cut yourself some slack. Realize the value of play, and schedule a little spontaneity into each day. You've earned it.
Love: While it's been safer to be excellent at work and achievements you can measure, it's time to stop putting off taking a risk with your heart. You're not scared of anything else; anyone who can win your heart is truly blessed.

Libra
Work: You're noted at work for your fairness. Where others can be judgmental, you are often the voice of reason. While this is a valued attribute, don't forget that it can also be a lonely path at times. This year, resist more often the urge to keep the peace at the expense of your own success.
Love: While people are naturally drawn to you, you don't require much of them. You have thus far accepted what is offered, believing this to be the balance you crave. The thing is, you secretly crave far more. And to attain that means to risk more, to step further out on the beam. Risk it.

Scorpio
Work: Unlike many people, you absorb setbacks with a fierce determination to come back stronger. This makes you two things: a lethal adversary, but a successful one. You take things personally. While this serves you well, it can also isolate you. Don't decide that everyone is out to get you.
Love: That fierceness translates into this world, as well. Your sense of loyalty means you know you are right in your convictions, but it also means that change is difficult. If you are separating sex from love, recognize that not all aspects of your life are in need of a fight.

Sagittarius
Work: Your great capacity to work hard- and to know when to call it a day- serves you well. You accomplish twice what others take twice as long to achieve. This can make you impatient with them. But as you well know, being justified in a belief doesn't make others believe it. Resolve to play more, unrestricted by what others are doing.
Love: Though we're all raised with a belief that 'love conquers all', you are less likely to buy into this than others might be. While that has served you well in sheltering your heart, it is within that very heart that you will realize what this world has to offer. Start there.

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6 Comments:

Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Amusing hororscopes again. Re your mini dreams...maybe you've been watching Little Fockers this week?
Are you feeling outside the circle of trust? Has someone at work got their eyes on you? Then there's the whole "found out" issue. That brings up all sorts of possibilities ranging from unpleasantness with sartorial choices around the house to scandals involving fondue sets on New Year's Eve. It's best not to think about it. Just eat cheese straight from the fridge.

January 02, 2011 3:03 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Fondue is great because if you drop your bread in the cheese you get to kiss all the people of the opposite sex at the table.

As far as Aries goes I think you got it wrong. People at work always confuse my selfishness for courage. It's not. It's just selfishness. That's the way I am. And love? after years of being the giver I gave up on taking. It's no fun if it's not given freely and with enthusiasm.

I like these horoscopes better than the others. Thanks for a big smile...

January 02, 2011 7:06 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

The fondue thing? Eeeww! Creepy - especially unless you are in some exclusive little cabal, there are generaly members of both sexes in attendance for this Swiss-type treat. So while you may covet a smooch from Mabel across the table. Frank, the oft misunderstood sensitive, tattood bearded one has his tongue jammed down your metaphorical throat.

Anyone want to buy a gently-owned fondue set? I just lost my appetite.

January 03, 2011 9:34 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Omee oh my,
You must read all the instructions. It says you get to kiss all those of the OPPOSITE sex. Granted there may still be some who you'd rather not (I guess Aunt Francine could have once been Uncle Frank ) but for those who've got no sense of adventure they should go back to eating Tostitos and Cheese Whizz in their bomb shelters.

January 03, 2011 12:00 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

If one of ladies is named Lola, well you'd best just quietly up and leave the room. Create a diversion if you have to, but go.

January 03, 2011 2:53 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Everybody sing - "Oh, I met her in a club down in old Soho, where we drank champagne and it tasted like cherry cola -c-o-l-a- cola...."

January 03, 2011 4:52 PM  

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