January 6, 2011

More Dead Squirrels

I'm thrashing about looking for something that catches my eye enough to blog about. I've been working overtime to cover for some upcoming away games, and my attention is splintered. Slate is telling me that the golden age of serial killers is probably over (and I'm not entirely sure they think that is a good thing), but I know from my relentless viewing of Criminal Minds that they will never go out of style in some places. Oh, and Criminal Minds? Stop dumping your female actors. I like them. You need them. You're an idiot if you think we don't notice and care. They're the best part of a show that is already becoming wincingly ooky.

Snow just started gently falling down, which is pretty unless you are going to be beside the Detroit River in a few days. The auto show signals the start of the car year, though the internet has pretty much destroyed the old days of dramatic reveals and awesome secrets. I will take lots of pretty pictures and share when I get back.

Ari and I pulled in the driveway a couple of days ago, and saw a huge ugly thing sitting on the lawn. I had no clue what it was, until Ari yelled that it was a hawk. He actually said it was a bald eagle, but it had hair, so we settled on hawk. It was about 2 feet tall, and it was standing on something. A dead squirrel. Ewwww. It had killed the squirrel and was guarding it. Ari whipped out his cell phone to take pictures, and told me to run into the house to get my camera. Yeah, didn't want to miss this. This thing just glared at us - as if I had a pressing need to take hold of this bloody squirrel and give it mouth to mouth or something. It finally flew up to a huge tree, sat there for 3 hours guarding its kill, and eventually swooped down to grab it. It was gross. Ari thought it was awesome. Mostly I just felt guilty because I'd fed the squirrels that morning with a bunch of old bread - it was like I'd stuffed them for the hawk.

Yesterday I tossed out some PopTarts (don't judge; they were on sale, and I forgot that nobody liked them). Ari glanced up and asked if I thought the hawk liked strawberry stuffed squirrels.

Speaking of hawks, I can't wait to see how many lawyers get involved in the latest group lottery win of Bell employees. Another reason why team sports were never for me. Wouldn't want to be the group nanny shaking everyone down for money, and wouldn't want to be hearing the excuses after the fact. I've heard of offices where hours and hours - yes, hours - are wasted organizing this. Call me a pooper, but if you want to buy a lottery ticket, just go buy one.

Apparently Elizabeth Edwards wrote her lying skag of a husband out of her will 6 days before she died. Apparently this is news.

I talked to a friend of mine who had her 3 daughters here before Christmas to make gingerbread houses. One of her dogs ate one of the gingerbread houses. The whole thing. Which totally should shut up those of you who told me if I glue gunned them together nobody would eat them.

I am about to go on hold with the OHIP office. Ari handed me his card, neatly snapped into two pieces. How the hell do you snap an OHIP card in half?

Robert DeNiro has just been named the head of the Cannes Jury Festival. They list his Oscar wins and lengthy career in some outstanding movies. They conveniently leave out his triumvirate of Fokkers garbage. You thought less of me for buying PopTarts, but this gets a pass? Oh, because I still get DeNiro and that other guy mixed up - Pacino - I almost forgot a horrific movie I watched last year with one of them. It was called 88, or 88 Minutes, or something like that. It was so bad, I thought it was a joke. Why do short, dark, hot men have to end their careers so badly?

In unrelated news, they're rewriting Mark Twain. Because he obviously didn't know exactly what he was doing when he wrote Huck Finn. Because children today don't need to learn anything that hasn't been put through a cultural blender and spat out like spam on a cracker. I don't weep for the future - I weep for right now.

I'm going off to read some funny stuff now. It's my birthday - and I sound all crabbyapplesauseface, even though I'm not. I just needed a few minutes of cranky to get going.

I'll be back.

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Anonymous Roz said...

I like the Focker movies. They're funny and DeNiro is funny in them too. Too bad you're too high-brow for this type of humour. Lighten up. Oh, and happy birthday Grumpy Pants.

January 06, 2011 1:26 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Happy Birthday! I wonder what your boys have in store for you.

And I too, watched 88 Minutes. There's an hour and a half of my life I can't get back. How do they get funding for this tripe?

January 06, 2011 1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Lorraine with best wishes for many happy returns!

January 06, 2011 1:59 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

For your birthday I got you a Pop Up Book on Meerkats. OK, that was a lie. I couldn't find a Pop up book on Meerkats or Pop Tarts which I thought was rather strange. Ari probably has the economy OHIP card. That's the one that limits you to one lung transplant per lifetime. It's easily identifiable by its thin profile and ability to snap in two when being used to jimmy a door lock open.

January 06, 2011 2:29 PM  
Blogger Kiltswinger said...

Happy Birthday Lorraine,

I'll play a tune on my bagpipes in your honour today.

How would you like Ass in the Graveyard (a nice wee jig) or, in honour of your squirrels, Hamilton's Nutsack?


January 06, 2011 2:50 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Aw. An embarrassment of riches for the birthday girl.

And I do mean embarrassment.

Though I'm still waiting on the pop-up meerkat book. I would like that very much.

Thank you, everyone. Except Roz.

January 06, 2011 2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Birthday Lorraine.

Seems I missed quite bit, from a Leo dinner invite to a number of good horoscopes. You write them better from your crystal ball than from the "other" guys.

Hawks, lawyers, Bell Canada... can it get any better for drama? Skaggy husbands cut from a will, Deniro, Pacino, Mark Twain...man you are on a roll for the start of 2011. Are you going to the Bike Show in your snappy new boots?

Looking forward to reading you again this year.

Take care,


January 06, 2011 4:22 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Hippo birdies...

January 06, 2011 6:25 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

And why does it not surprise me Roz likes Focker movies?

Ever heard Frank Caliendo do his impression of Al?

Almost as good as his George Bush.

January 06, 2011 6:28 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you. We wish it was our birthday, so we could party too.


Enjoy the auto show.

January 06, 2011 7:44 PM  
Blogger Webgod Jeff said...

Happy Birthday! It's before midnight, so it counts.

January 06, 2011 9:18 PM  
Blogger mzinformed said...

Happy (Belated) Birthday, Lorraine!
I hope that your brood treated you in the royal manner that you deserve.

January 07, 2011 12:23 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

OK, I'm out of the loop.

Would you believe I've been too busy to check in?

Auto Show - I'm laying out watermain in Milton all week. Wanna trade? I didn't think so.

Criminal Minds- I wish I was Ried. Forget the geek factor, I could clean up in Vegas with his irridedic memory.

Hawk - was working on Dundas St. a few years ago, and was watching a hawk that seemed to be watching me. He suddenly swooped down and took out a bunny 6 feet in front of me. Good thing I was wearing the brown pants.

Happy Belated 29th Birthday. Very belated.

Very, very belated.


January 07, 2011 11:38 PM  
Blogger marcelleqb said...

Happy Belated Birthday! (very, very, very belated)

I have been stuck in Bellevue (no, not the hospital, the city - the hospital would have been more interesting) and I've been getting rotten internet access.

January 11, 2011 1:36 PM  

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