February 5, 2011

Just Another Day Away From the Conversation...

I Skype with a group of friends from all over the place. One of them brought a task to the group yesterday.
Good friends of hers, two lesbians, are searching for sperm donor in order to have a child ‘Lisa’ is 1/2 Vietnamese and 1/2 French Canadian. ‘Heather’ is English/Native American and "something else that's white." They are both around 5'8." I told Lisa I was going to leave it to the "Skype Ladies"... and she said "NICE!" ("no major crazy allergies, those are a pain in the ass"... she says cancer happens everywhere, so that's not a factor. All of the anonymous ones are out. She wants the kids to have the info if they want it.
And so the Skypers went to work..... I was not home, but came home to read the following conversation:
Skype K: I don't want to know what "available washed inventory" means. ::shudder::
Skype S: O god these are fascinating.
Skype K: 7724 sounds perfect. Chinese (50%), Norwegian, German, Irish, Native American: jackpot.
Skype S: You click on the pdf and get their own personal profile
Skype K: Yeah, 6'1", 236
Skype S: Lisa will be the egg person, so she brings the Asian
Skype K: "exotic fruit allergy" I don't think that would carry over and it's treated OTC = they don't DIE
Skype S: read the impressions documents
Skype K:” Co1: began drug and alcohol abuse in high school due to ridicule because of undiagnosed dyslexia; Co2: drug abuse began in military, is still currently using, estranged from family”... sperm donor fail...back to the chart
Skype S: Yup it's crazy...this is a great project
Skype K: Studies Sanskrit in his spare time....I reject anyone who categorizes themselves as 1/64th native American...I’m 1/13th Maori (finger)
Skype S: Lisa is happy you're helping
Skype K: I feel like the sperm whisperer
Skype M enters the room: What kind of job is Personal Attendant? Oh, and why are you surfing sperm donors?
Skype K: We're helping lesbians create life...personal attendant = professional ball washer
Skype M: Did said lesbians ask for our help, or are you starting some kind of public service?
Skype K: Said lesbians asked. I would never presume
Skype K: Okay - here's my first choice...I went through all of them...I vote for the chef (of course)
Skype M: You most certainly would presume... you're presumptuous as hell :)
Skype K: Well, yeah... but I like to make people think it was their own idea.
Skype K: I got up this morning and thought - I’d like to help lesbians choose a sperm donor. I called it out to the universe and the universe answered, "F*ck yeah!"
Skype S: Lisa wants help
Skype K: This is my second choice: he describes his personality as a mix of Harry Truman and Eeyore. I’d totally hit that.
Skype M: I prefer to think that Skype K’s doing random acts of sperm
Skype K: It is my custom.
Skype S: Damn... 5264 said ‘no’ on identity release program
Skype K: Those are the two best though. Booooooooooooooo . I mean, how can you not love this guy? "One of my hobbies that I am very passionate about is road cycling. (Yes, the dorks who wear very tight, obnoxiously-colored spandex.)"
Skype K: One has a little Asian in there and the other has a little Native American. Well, really it's the lesbians that would have a little Asian in there, but I digress.
Skpye M: His hobby is his passion for cycling? That sounds faintly obscene
Skype S: Lisa brings the Vietnamese with her eggs
Skype K: My hobby is a passion for free yogurt. Put that on a sperm donor chart. Let us re-examine.
Skype S: I knew you'd love this! Heeeeee
Skype S: Lisa says "Skype K has to play by the rules"
Skype K: OK. So we're looking for Native American not Asian. I was looking for both and identity is a must
Skype K: Ask Lisa on a scale of 1-10 how important having Native American is vs. Identity
Skype S: You can't have everything...I think Native American is negligible
Skype S: I found one!
Skpye K: there's no Indian in there! And he DESCRIBES himself as an ENTP: ::shudder:: ... you want a non-judgmental extrovert running around???? (puke)
Skpye S: Just think how different siblings are...I don't think those things are hereditary
Skype K: You wanna meet my two INFJ brothers that I wasn't raised with? That’s less than 3% of the population...rarest type....not that I believe in that shit, but I still vote for my guy
Skype K: 6 foot tall and 137. If it's a girl, she'd be skinny as hell... bless that kid with a 6 foot 137 lb dad AND HE HAS DIMPLES. Dimples, oh. my. gawd.
Skype K: My guy: "I am extremely interested in fashion and design. I design and sew clothing and accessories. I also crochet hats."!!!! Come on now!
Skype S: brb
Skype K: Hurry up. We have a baby to father
Skype K: ”Everyone deserves to have children, to impart their values, beliefs, and knowledge to a younger generation. It was really important to me that this sperm bank catered to all including lesbian couples and single mothers by choice. It feels good to know that I am helping a family grow.” That's why he's going to be a sperm donor...isn't that precious?
Skype K: Oh, I’d feel so weird discussing this for real.
Skype J enters the room: What about all those craigslist guys with the big dongs?...Aside from their questionable taste in shower curtains
Skype K: ::gasp:: nevah! They are NOT good enough for my newfound lesbian friends!
Skype K: In 17 minutes - free Coffeemate on Facebook. I'm just sayin'
Skype S: I’m going to meet Lisa in a few minutes, then we'll walk downtown for Thai
Skype K: See if there are any good looking charitable guys there...ask for a Dixie cup
Skype E enters the room: I leave y'all alone for three hours and you start talking sperm
Skype S: After reading a bunch of those things, I think you should hang around a sperm bank for a potential guy. Read the pdfs. One is family history and a Q and A. The other is the staff assessment of the dude. They say things like "looks like Lyle Lovett"; "has big ears"....great screening for any man need
Skype E: I can do my own screening...and fertility is pretty low on my list of things to look for in a guy
Skype S: Just read the shit they say about themselves...it's hilarious
Skype E: I trust Skype K culled the best ones
Skype K: I did indeed


Blogger Lucywestie said...

This got me wondering what my profile would be:

6ft tall male of semi-fine English heritage. Well toned back muscles from shovelling snow but horrendously awful British teeth whose constant upkeep pays for his dentists new Porsche.
A taste for the finer things in life such as Bud Light Lime and Popchips [trust me,Popchips are awesome!]. Average IQ [well I managed to spell IQ so thats not bad]. High school educated though he spent more time on the Rugby field than actually studying. [Get the rugby bit in there, makes it look like I have some fitness acumen].
Dazzling sense of humour [sarcasm can be funny you know] and a talent for talking to stupid people on the phone while making them feel special.

My word is "eldepe", sound like something a senior does when they've had to much water

February 05, 2011 5:37 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I am now very, very scared that everyone is going to publish their sperm donor bio.

Scared, and little curious.

February 05, 2011 6:20 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

There's just too many ways to have evil fun with your latest entry Lorraine.I'm now clearing a paper jam in my mental folder of perversity. Seriously, this is what you do on Skype?Your altruism knows no bounds.Must admit,more fun than the Stuporbowl on Sunday!

February 05, 2011 6:41 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I do far worse on Skype. This is what I'm willing to share.

February 05, 2011 6:57 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I assure you any man that tells you he donates at the "bank" for altruistic reasons needs to have his head (and perhaps his hands) examined.

Cash and a look at magazines without having to buy them.

Pretty simple.

"Cangref" must be a referee at anything Australian.

February 05, 2011 9:04 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

"I do far worse on Skype, this is what I'm willing to share."

Ouch! Ouch! now I've got paper cuts...

February 05, 2011 10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello? Lorraine? Are you out there?

Hey everyone, Lorraine left us alone. Who wants to party?

Maybe Joanne will make us a meal. Roz, what is up girl? Ozzie? You in? CB(ntf)? Buzz? Anybody?

My word is priont. Maybe I should priont this out and keep it for prostrerity.

February 09, 2011 1:43 PM  

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