February 13, 2011


I admit it. I'm wasting time today. I mean, I'm working, and doing laundry, but I'm watching a steady diet of the barrel-scraping television that I love to make fun of. I'm only listening with one ear - I have a little TV in the kitchen. But the only thing I've recalled all day is the commercials.

There is a subset of channels - you know the ones; they run marathons of scary things that make you peek through your fingers - houses overrun by rats, people puking on camera, 3- year- olds dressed up like hookers and women willing to spend 10K on a wedding dress. Yeah, that TV. Anyway. The only thing I've paid attention to today is the ads.

I have seen several today that are for some new and improved drug. Because the American Commerical People make them list all the side effects (affects? whatever), they show someone smiling and wearing gentle colours and being productive, a little voice races through the downside: you may become dizzy or depressed or die; you might succumb to kidney disease or kill yourself; you might experience blurred vision or bowleggedness. Or perhaps start collecting rats or dressing your 3-year-old like a hooker.

The problem is that it takes 30 seconds to show the woman ballroom dancing or the man swinging his kid in the air all happy-like. Then it takes 90 seconds for them to fast talk their way through the oops part of the drug. It's like a little movie. And one that doesn't end well.

I suppose there are worse ads; if I see Russell Oliver once more yelling at me (I'm sure he spits on the lens), I'm just going to call him up myownself and tell him to buy some hair.

I also hate internet/cell phone/cable ads. Regardless of what is advertised, it is always, always, always my company, and a better deal than I just got suckered into. I hate you, technology. And I hate you useless companies who are only hankering for the next customer, instead of taking care of the ones you have. I've danced with you before - and I've caught you looking over my shoulder at another girl. Pffffft.

I am spooked by LinkedIn, or however you spell it. I am a little unsettled that you suggest I 'link' in with people who are in my address book, but not in my work world. I do not like this; I don't. Zappos and Aldo shoe sites do the same thing, but for some reason I am less disturbed when pictures of darling boots keep popping up in my size. That is helpful; LinkedIn is creepy.

I am becoming increasingly worried that our Prime Minister is running this country like his own private little kingdom. I am worried that nobody seems to care that decisions are being made that will affect us for decades, and he is doing it like the Wizard of Oz. I saw that movie just yesterday. I am terrified that there is no Toto to yank down the curtain on this cretin, and that nobody cares. We are sheep; we are assholes; we are being scared into lurching toward a government from which there will be little chance of recovery in my lifetime. This is not the Conservative party we grew up knowing. This is the Reform Party. Do not doubt that for a moment. Tell me where the revolution is going to take place. And, let's do it in the summer. It took Egypt 18 days. I'm sure we could do it in 18 hours, and then go for a latte.

My Wheels column yesterday was hating on those mommy-with-kids parking spots. Not a single negative email. I'm shocked. I thought I'd hear from the brigade who think their ovaries merit them speshul treatment. Nope. Not even my sister, who I KNOW used those spots, because I used to make fun of her. Hi, Gilly!

Now, I have to go BBQ and figure out which channel is PBS around here. Any Human Heart starts tonight. Absolutely one of the best books, ever, and it's been adapted for a miniseries by the original author, William Boyd. I hope it's as great as the book. I hope I can find PBS. I hope I can put on fresh flannel sheets and got to bed with wine and a cat and ignore the boys.

I'm off tomorrow to the Great White North. Grabbing a Nissan Murano and heading to Parry Sound. I am now a snowmobiler. Apparently.


Blogger Lucywestie said...

I read your column on Saturday and couldnt stop laughing. We have always said the same thing, they even have parking spots up at the casinos for pregnant women. If you are that far along that you need your own parking spot, I really don't think you should be in a casino where the excitement of a win could result in delivery on a Blackjack table.
If you have Cogeco like we do then PBS is channel 20 or 235.

Last but not least. Did you like True Grit?

Enjoy your week in the near north.

February 13, 2011 6:50 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

My commenter date (jmd) and I will be doing a review of True Grit in the very near future.

Hint: I loved it. But since I'm used to talking in 600 word bursts, I will say some other things. And let her say some stuff too, cuz she's very smart and very funny.

February 13, 2011 6:53 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Those mom with kids parking spots are vital to keep free. You never know when a Mommie Mack will need to pull in and drop off her 3 year old hookers for the day...

February 13, 2011 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Joanne said...

Tell you what Lorraine, you send me Stephen Harper and I'll send you Silvio Berlusconi. Maybe they'll collide somewhere over the Atlantic.

February 14, 2011 2:08 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Oh Joanne!

You can keep your Italian Stallion. At least ours appears to keep his pecker in his pants. For now...

February 14, 2011 6:15 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Thanks for that delightful image, Roz.

I do disagree, though. Mr. Harper and his barely disguized Reformers have been screwing Canadians for years now...

My word is the sound a dusk with a speech impediment makes - quach

February 15, 2011 4:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

furthur to your comments about Diane Finlay, i think it is generally accepted that no one says anything without Stevie's approval. So, why this hatred of all things female?

a) Lauren was a good stay-at-home mother raising their kids but now that they are raised, she is free to roam.

b) She has roamed, leaving 24 Sussex Drive for the Chateau Laurier Hotel.

c) She is having an affair.

d) the object of her affair is NOT male. Lauren has gone to the dark side and is having an affair with a female. A member of her government provided secret service.

So, Stevie is lashing out at all things female, slashing funding left, right, and centre for Lauren's betrayal of his family values.

Check it out, ask your Ottawa based newsies, they know but are not reporting it.

February 15, 2011 11:10 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I love saying things anonymously. This is why the internet will never be a legitimate source of information. Say what you want, don't put your name to it. Poof!!! It's true.


February 16, 2011 8:29 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Why would a 'relationship' with a member of the same sex be considered 'the dark side'?

Regardless, posting this anonymously is bordering on cowardice.

LS made her bed, so to speak publicly, and stated her opinion which as a fellow journo, will defend her right to do so. Regardless of whether I agree or not.

LS also publicly (likely to a point) accepted her lumps with grace and professionalism. Her offending Tweet may have been a spur of the moment reaction, but to receive the reaction it did, likely did her more harm than good.

LS has been an outspoken, oft opinionated individual on any media forum. She is, however, IMHO a fair-minded individual. She is NOT a screeching parody of a journalist like Beck or O'Reilly (who incidentally, before he became a Fox shill) was a reasonably well-respected member of the fourth estate.

And to this, I for one say, "Keep it coming, Sister (Twisted, that is)!'

With apologies to LS for this - believe me, she is well able to fight her own battles but I believe that support, where warranted is needed.

I'm done - for now.

February 16, 2011 10:13 AM  
Anonymous R. L. Parker said...

Wait a minute. Are you saying that somebody actually married that peckerhead Harper? Now that is a mystery...

February 16, 2011 2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if I was married to him, I'd probably turn into a lesbian too.

February 17, 2011 9:35 AM  

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