The Cogeco guy was coming over the other day because our modem is crap. We know this because I keep buying new routers, and it is never the router, but once you open them you can't return them - very much like having babies. I tried to leave one at the hospital one time. I was soooo tired. But no, they have this weird policy of 'you spawn 'em, you take 'em', and we all know how that turned out. Same with routers. Except nobody sends over food when you get a new router. They should; I keep paying this much for routers, and we won't be able to afford food.
Anyway. Of course it's the modem. It's always the damned modem. And when you call them, this is what they say:
Me: "Hi, our modem is pooched."
Them: "Oh, it can't be. We used 24K gold modems and they last forever and pull in frequencies that only dogs and sleeping mothers can hear."
Me: "No, they don't. You got them at a frickin' garage sale in China, they are crap, you know it, but you refuse to buy new ones for your customers until you've used up all the dusty ones in the shipping container out back."
Them: "They're not dusty."
So we go back and forth, and they promise to send out a technician. Actually, this time around, I made Ari make the calls. It was his computer most affected, and I reckon a boy who can work a debit card, a motorcycle and a slingshot (sometimes all at the same time) can work a phone.
So Technician comes in, and puts his little diapers on his feet. I'm convinced he is doing this so his shoes don't get dirty, but I let it go. In preparation, I have pulled my computer tower out so he can get at the new router and the crap modem. As I did this, I noticed some papers and stuff behind the computer, and decided to clean it out. I did this once before, and found some prescription receipts that were two years old. I tried to claim them; they turned me down, saying they were past the claiming date. I called them and rolled my eyes really loudly and said 'as if you haven't dropped stuff behind the computer.' There was silence. I didn't get my money.
As I cleaned, I found my computer speakers back there. They fell off months ago, and I just got used to not hearing anything. Silence is golden and all that. I decided it might be nice to hear things, so I propped them up and turned the button on. Mostly all I hear is Avast telling me my computer virus has been updated, and it scares the hell out of me every time. I must have been a nervous baby.
Today I've been cooking dinner, and as usual, I have a thousand windows open. I am doing research. Seriously. Stop rolling your eyes. Anyway. The fan over the stove is on, and all of a sudden JoJo (scroll down; black cat) is in my chair yelling at my computer. As I get closer, I realize it is chirping. Some open screen I can't see has a bird on it. JoJo has decided there is a bird somewhere behind my computer, and it is her duty to catch it and kill it. I'm making that up; she's never seen a bird. But buried deep in her little brain is an ancestry of bird eating that is making itself known.
So, JoJo, before I can stop her, lunges at the monitor. And knocks the speakers down behind the computer.
I give up.