March 24, 2011

Spring All Over

The Cogeco guy was coming over the other day because our modem is crap. We know this because I keep buying new routers, and it is never the router, but once you open them you can't return them - very much like having babies. I tried to leave one at the hospital one time. I was soooo tired. But no, they have this weird policy of 'you spawn 'em, you take 'em', and we all know how that turned out. Same with routers. Except nobody sends over food when you get a new router. They should; I keep paying this much for routers, and we won't be able to afford food.

Anyway. Of course it's the modem. It's always the damned modem. And when you call them, this is what they say:

Me: "Hi, our modem is pooched."
Them: "Oh, it can't be. We used 24K gold modems and they last forever and pull in frequencies that only dogs and sleeping mothers can hear."
Me: "No, they don't. You got them at a frickin' garage sale in China, they are crap, you know it, but you refuse to buy new ones for your customers until you've used up all the dusty ones in the shipping container out back."
Them: "They're not dusty."

So we go back and forth, and they promise to send out a technician. Actually, this time around, I made Ari make the calls. It was his computer most affected, and I reckon a boy who can work a debit card, a motorcycle and a slingshot (sometimes all at the same time) can work a phone.

So Technician comes in, and puts his little diapers on his feet. I'm convinced he is doing this so his shoes don't get dirty, but I let it go. In preparation, I have pulled my computer tower out so he can get at the new router and the crap modem. As I did this, I noticed some papers and stuff behind the computer, and decided to clean it out. I did this once before, and found some prescription receipts that were two years old. I tried to claim them; they turned me down, saying they were past the claiming date. I called them and rolled my eyes really loudly and said 'as if you haven't dropped stuff behind the computer.' There was silence. I didn't get my money.

As I cleaned, I found my computer speakers back there. They fell off months ago, and I just got used to not hearing anything. Silence is golden and all that. I decided it might be nice to hear things, so I propped them up and turned the button on. Mostly all I hear is Avast telling me my computer virus has been updated, and it scares the hell out of me every time. I must have been a nervous baby.

Today I've been cooking dinner, and as usual, I have a thousand windows open. I am doing research. Seriously. Stop rolling your eyes. Anyway. The fan over the stove is on, and all of a sudden JoJo (scroll down; black cat) is in my chair yelling at my computer. As I get closer, I realize it is chirping. Some open screen I can't see has a bird on it. JoJo has decided there is a bird somewhere behind my computer, and it is her duty to catch it and kill it. I'm making that up; she's never seen a bird. But buried deep in her little brain is an ancestry of bird eating that is making itself known.

So, JoJo, before I can stop her, lunges at the monitor. And knocks the speakers down behind the computer.

I give up.

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Anonymous buzzwhack said...

It's almost a Friday rant...
Your Cogeco conversations are hilarious. Out here, we have three hour outages because some doorknob hasn't figured out yet that there is no copper, or any other usable amount of metal inside Cogeco's coax cables for metal scrapping. They stole 4 miles of cable the first time. The second time they stole cable going into a feeder station. It'd be worth having one of these geniuses fry to a crisp just to see what kind of MUNG steals coax cables for recycling..

March 24, 2011 5:54 PM  
Blogger JimmESmith said...

Loved the hospital line, larffed so hard I had tea coming out my nose; what's strange is I was drinking coffee.

March 24, 2011 10:32 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

We have a Cogeco modem/router thing, and have had it for 9 years. They updated it when one of the vacuum tubes burned out on the original. Never had a problem.

Just thought I'd let you know.

You're welcome.

March 25, 2011 11:46 AM  
Blogger mzinformed said...

Thanks for making my morning.

Happy Spring to you!

March 25, 2011 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha hahahah. This is hilarious. Even funnier is my word.


Are you sure your routi isn't the culprit?

March 25, 2011 1:31 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

O. Now I want a roti....

And yes, happy spring!

Wait. That's way too cheerful for me. Sorry. As you were.

March 25, 2011 2:10 PM  
Blogger marcelleqb said...

"We used 24K gold modems and they last forever and pull in frequencies that only dogs and sleeping mothers can hear." hahahahahahahahaha

we have effing comcast who likes to charge you $5/mo for the privilege of using their crappy modem. I went out and bought my own. The modem is fine, but effing comcast is not. They will send someone out, but first they have to threaten me with 'when we find it's your house wires, we'll have to charge you $75 for the visit' and 'we'll be there between 8am and 6pm'. The tech guy comes out and tells me, it's the control tower, they're effing with the speed. Which is why they are effing comcast.

March 25, 2011 2:29 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Crispy Cogeco Critters - sounds like a new snack treat.

very funny Rainey.

In TO, Bell likes to use the "if we find the problem is in your house it's a gazillion dollars an hour and you're too cheap to buy our stupid overpriced computer glitch wiring insurance plan for the low, low price of $87 per month". b.s.

They're all the same.

March 26, 2011 10:31 AM  

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