August 18, 2011


It's that time, again...

Return of Ranty Bitch.

Oh, go on. You all love it. I've been pretty happy-go-lucky lately (::cough::) but today has tipped me over to the dark side. I won't go into details, but suffice to say two hours at the DMV with a son who has apparently NOT done the online prep test for his G1 has left me....bitter. And whiny.

I've been saving stuff up. And so in no particular order, shall we get to it?

My hydro bill. I am aware, dear sons, that I am frequently gone. I am aware that when that happens, you might *sometimes* override the thermostat setting and jack up (down?) the air conditioning. Regardless of how often I tell you, you never seem to understand that older houses, unlike old fridges, do not get frosty upstairs. Duct work is old; hot air rises. Do the physics, you little twits, and stop setting the thermostat fifteen degrees less than I do. I won't know until the bill comes in. But the bill just came in. You're both on rations.

I adore my readers. See? Starting on a positive note. But my email will pretty much kick out: junk, spam, anything with an attachment, anything with too many other recipients. It is set that way to protect my computer from Bad Stuff. So. If you're going to send me a snarky email beginning with "I realize you are too important to reply to my emails, as you ignored the last one, but I'm writing anyway...", please go back and read that fourth sentence. I probably didn't get it. I actually answer my mail. I try to answer ALL of it. I answer it even if it's a few weeks late; sometimes I answer it immediately, and scare people and they fall off their chairs. I answer it on the road, typing madly (and badly) on an iPhone. I try. I do. If you are reasonably polite, I answer. I'm totally cool if you don't like me, as long as you find a unique way to tell me to p*ss off. But if I didn't answer, chances are good that it got caught up in the wheels, and I apologize.

I adore my readers, Part 2: I'm sorry if you got ripped off by a dealer. I can't do anything about it. I wish I could. I'm sorry if your mechanic misdiagnosed your A/C problem and you think you got ripped off. I'm sorry if your insurance is too high, and your agent ripped you off. I'm sorry if you were overcharged on a rental, if your warranty expired 2 days before the bushings went, or if you gouged at the end of your lease. Even if nobody admits it, this crap happens to all of us in this industry, and if we can't fix it for ourselves, we can't do much for you. What we can do is keep writing and investigating and poking and prodding and warning consumers to be wary and alert. We can let you know about industry changes that affect you, about our personal experiences that could hold a lesson, and to try to be a resource for you. There are people who can tackle individual problems - it's just not me.

If you want me to Link You In on LinkedIn (hahahahahaaha) you might have to give me something to go on. If your name or industry isn't a gimme, gimme a clue. I'm really not that precious, but neither am I psychic. It's a work site, and if I don't see the connection, you may just be sitting there in my little pile of 'huhs?'.

I need a new dimmer switch installed in my kitchen. It's sitting on the counter. It's making me nuts. I need a new set of taps installed in the bathroom. They're sitting on the counter. YES. I do know how to do both of these things, I just don't have time. YES. I should be able to tell either son to do it, and I have and they should. Though I'm doubtful Christer could do either without electrocuting himself. He starts his philosophy studies in a few weeks. Need I say more?

My neck is wrecked from a summer of traveling/airplanes/RVs/seadoos/driving at the track/hunching over a computer. I need a massage, but I'm (probably ridiculously) peeved at my RMT. He's great at his job, but he forwarded me a stupid racist email and I'm angry at him. It's one of those thinly veiled rants - you know the ones - that purport to be about loving your country, but are actually just saying they want to see an end to immigration and Bad People who aren't Just Like Them. I hate these. They're vile. They're ignorant. And I can't stand people who forward them to me, believing that their prejudices are mine. Note to the wise: don't forward that crap in a business capacity, despite how strongly you feel I might be One Of You. I'm not; and now I'm looking for a new RMT.

I announced a couple of days ago that I'll be home for the next two weeks. Nobody looked happy except the cats. Well, really only Maggie. JoJo doesn't even know who I am.

My dryer is making all kinds of something-is-trapped-in-here-and-you-won't-know-what-it-is-until-the-repair-is-$300 kind of noise.

I buy these Peak Freans (which I call Peek Freak) cookies that are called LifeStyle sometimes. I only want one, but I know they won't go to waste because the boys will eat them. I opened a box today and they were stale. I asked Ari why they were stale; he said because nobody likes those 'adult' cookies.

I ordered a bunch of shoes and they were delivered. I loooooooooooove that. Couple of clicks, and the next day or so, an Aldo box flops at my door. Magic. Except they didn't fit. Could we have a little consistency here, Aldo??? I spend a fortune with you, and I am the size I am. It should be the same across the board. But noooooo. And one friend snagged one pair, and one took another, but now I'm stuck with a pair I will have to either bundle up and mail back, or take to the ::shudder:: mall and return. I hate returning stuff. I hate it. If I buy things and they end up not fitting (I rarely try things on. I hate shopping), I just give them to my sister or Christopher's girlfriend Pam, or somebody. I don't do returns.

Oh! Someone has to tell me what to do with my crappy TV service. The main TV in the rec room gets all the channels, and has that ugly box thing on it. The TV in my bedroom has another stupid box, but only gets channels up to 100. WTF? And my little TV in the kitchen has now cut out all except a handful of channels. Granted, it doesn't have a crappy little box on it, but there is no room. Cogeco gets a king's ransom from me every month, and the service is crap. Anyone know why 3 TVs have all different receptions? And if you're just gonna say I shouldn't have 3 TVs, you're right. You win a prize. Go away.

I think I might be all bitched out. Feel free to pile on....



18 Comments:

Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I was driving in the parking lot behind a "Look at me I drive a Mercedes SUV and I can swerve this way and that way and once you're thoroughly confused I will swerve right in front of you and slam on my brakes." I leaned on my horn and this 6'3" guy jumps out and stands there yelling at me with his fists all clenched like he's about to turn green and stuff. I said "put your weapons of mass destruction away, Batman and park your piece of junk."

I felt strangely redeemed and I thought I may have heard a small brass band playing somewhere in the distance.

Hmm you're right. This IS somewhat cathartic.

August 18, 2011 8:22 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Oh my...such vitriol! Hey Lorraine, "if you don't have anything nice to say, come here and sit by me."That was a favorite Dorothy Parker quote and it still sounds nice today. It's been so long since you've done a rant. I thought maybe you tapped into a secret lithium source. The big annyoance today for moi was being stuck behind someone at a green light while he was skillfully extracting what must have been a monster sized, I mean Bre-Ex gold mine sized booger from his nostril. Horn blowing didn't work. Driving around him did. He had two hands going at it. What is WRONG with people? (shakes head)

August 18, 2011 9:23 PM  
Anonymous R. L. Parker said...

Except Ms. Parker never said that. It was Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

August 19, 2011 6:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome back!

August 19, 2011 7:48 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Doncha love when I scream back into the building with a cloud of vitriol?

Yeah, Buzz, Parker is right. I know it was Roosevelt because I used to think it was my hero, Dorothy, who said that too. I just added Alice to my hero list - both awesomely witty ladies.

August 19, 2011 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

10 year or older TVs only go to 99 channels, generally.
DMV ?
-which part of US do you live ?

August 19, 2011 1:30 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

The two TVs giving me the grief are both new (like, one year and less than one year old).

I live in the Canadian part of the US.

Department of Motor Vehicles.

August 19, 2011 2:11 PM  
Blogger Lucywestie said...

We had a dimmer switch and for 5 years the round knob on it was broken and I used various forms of glue to try and hold it on. Do you think I could find a new knob that would fit, no..i had to fork out about $25 for a whole new dimmer switch...the bastards...

August 19, 2011 8:33 PM  
Blogger Lucywestie said...

Oh, and Peak Freens are a very English biscuit, I just wish we could get the Chocolate Bourbons over here, now they dip well in coffee, but not tea, you sound like you need a tea, and some Chocolate Hob Nobs, google them!

August 19, 2011 8:34 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I miss the original Freak Peans cinammon cookies with the hobnail pattern dough. Why did they drop it? I can't find those nor Coffee Break. sigh.

August 19, 2011 8:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW,
You're sexy when you are angry ;-)

Carmine

August 20, 2011 1:43 PM  
Anonymous Arlene in Truro, N.S. said...

Learned that there is such a thing as an 'amplifier' when the Cogeco guy showed up at my house because my reception was 'strange'. He put this dandy little something-or-other in the connection box outside my house and WOW. Everything is so much clearer. Me: "Was my amplifier broken or something?" He: "No, you didn't have one." Me: "Did they forget to install it?" He: "No, we don't install them normally. Just when someone needs one." I, too, have 3 televisions. So there, world!

August 21, 2011 7:55 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

PS.

I am totally baffled by Linkedin. Or at least why anyone in their right mind would want to link me. I have no redeeming qualities socially or businesswise as far as Linkedin is concerned.

It's a strange, strange world we live in, Master Jack.

August 21, 2011 4:07 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

I was out on a post-vegetarian dinner (boring) dessert run last night and on the way home, I'm at a light, intending to make a left (major intersection) and some asshole starts turning right into me. I start blasting the horn and he has the nerve to stop, mid intersection and rolls down his window to give ME a face-full. I told him to F.O. and went home with my McDonald's McFlurries. (they weren't as good as I remembered)

August 22, 2011 3:45 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Ah, Roz. Such a way you have with words. Welcome back!

August 23, 2011 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Lorraine, if you need to replace something old that that you can't find in the stores, try the Reuse Centre. It is full of knobs (the plastic kind) for every door and light etc that you can imagine, for only pennies. I hate garage sales but that is the place to go for crap that you don't want to pay a lot of money for.

August 23, 2011 12:02 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Working in Milton, busy rural road.
Dump Truck Drivers don't know what "Yield to Oncoming Traffic" means.

Hint: Truck Drivers aren't imtimidated by threats of Police. Treaten them with MTO (or DMV if your from Canusa).

More truck rant: since Ontario trucks are now governed to 110 kph, why do they try to pass each other? One idiot on the 403 took 3 kms to pass 1 truck, and another hero took 8! to pass 3!

No trucks in Lane 1! Ever!


DJW

There, I feel better now too, thanks.

August 24, 2011 10:29 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Just a thought - and I have considered this for our house, but I suspect it would be one of my last acts on this earth,install a little keyed lock box thing over the thermostat - you know, you've seen them in doctor's offices before...

August 24, 2011 3:37 PM  

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