September 23, 2011


Wizard of words


If you're of a certain vintage, you just thought of Alpha Bits. Remember that commercial? Once a year I buy a box of Alpha Bits. They're nasty little things that leave a puddle of sugar milk behind that my cats fight over. Every year, for the once a year I bought them, my ex-husband would laugh like hell as he went by and tell me I was 'the wizard of words'. He said it 7 times.

I wrote in a column once that I usually only buy the boring cereals: Shreddies, Rice Krispies, Special K, Vector, and granola and oatmeal. Which is the truth. So of course some reader wrote to me to tell me I was eating pure crap, and that didn't I know that when I purchased any product that had 'cereal' listed as a main ingredient it was garbage? So I looked at my side to see if 'cereal' was the first ingredient listed, then realized I wasn't planning on being consumed, and if it were to happen to be by say, a bear or something, he probably wasn't going to be too terribly worried about my fillers and by-products.

Sometimes I buy Corn Flakes, because my Dad used to. Do you know how bad Corn Flakes are? Before you can even put the milk back in the fridge, they've melted into little gummy flakes and you end up shoveling soggy pieces of flannel into your mouth.

Every time I see a cereal that promises to stay crunchy in milk, I can only think of Chevy Chase and Christmas Vacation, and the shellack he invents for cereal. So I don't buy it. Then of course I have to think about the hat that Randy Quaid was wearing when he emptied his RV holding tank, and I laugh and laugh. I've mentioned it before: we call those sh*tter hats. Because he says he's emptying the sh*tter. Whenever I do a winter driving junket, we get one of those hats. And you know what? Nobody looks good in those hats. Nobody. Brad Pitt would look bad in that hat. Though he could come here and I could attempt to put it at a jauntier angle to help him look better. I wore one in James Bay earlier this year; we drove up there and it was 48 degrees below on the ice. You couldn't not wear that kind of hat. But you could certainly have not put my damned picture on the cover of the section, Mr. Editor. Sigh.

Probably keep the bears away, though.

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11 Comments:

Blogger djc said...

Alpha Bits ROCK.
As for the hat, at least you didn't look as dorky as Randy Quaid. And you were smiling. And you didn't have humungus cigar hanging out of your chops.

My word is "phroses". Is that what you smell when you wear the "clean out hat"?

September 23, 2011 12:45 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Shitter hats can work. You just have to know how to carry it off. Robert Plant rocked the shitter hat in 1975 when he was being interviewed in Indianapolis in February. Quaid was trying to look stupid and succeeded brilliantly.Cereals that stay HARD in milk include Cocoa Puffs, Shreddies (for about two minutes) and shredded wheat. Cocoa Puffs win by far, they are the Viagara of cereals. I'll paraphrase Wavy Gravy's famous woodstock line though, don't drink the brown milk! (I don't believe it, my password is vagica maybe code for Viagra magic?)

September 23, 2011 2:35 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Bears are surprisingly picky eaters. A list of ingredients could go a long way to ensuring you don't make the endangered species list.

"poswer" was one of my favourite singers in Sha na na.

September 23, 2011 3:26 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

I once bought a box of Kashi cereal, thinking it would be wholesome and nutritious for my growing boys, only to find the next morning that one of them had taken a black magic marker and changed the name to "Kashit". Never bought healthy stuff again.

My word is "relon", which is what I have to do to my dentures.

September 23, 2011 3:49 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Is endangered another word for 'special'?

And, loving Kashit...

September 23, 2011 5:28 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Does anyone remember those "Catch It" infomercials that used to run on late night tv years ago? They advertised those supposedly ├╝ber-innovative and indestructible mesh litter box scoops. We could never figure out how they got the ad past the language censors. Mind, it was late night tv...

Dunno why I was suddenly reminded of that (insert disingenuous laugh here).

From what I recall, though (just to bring this discussion somewhat back on topic...), uncooked Kashi has the look and consistency of clumping cat litter. Unused, of course.

Of course!!

Oh my - who makes these passwords up? "Mummush." Seriously. Mummush: overcooked Kashi. Or over-clumped cat litter. Take your pick...

September 23, 2011 6:19 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I sobered up this morning and realized I put the wrong word verification up there. It was "powser" Now maybe you'll understand the Sha na na reference.

Sheesh.

September 24, 2011 11:50 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

Youre a pilot, right?

And you had to sober up?

Glad I take the bus.

DJW

fresytr = text-speak for frestyler

September 24, 2011 12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My son has a 'shitter hat' he loves it and wears it all winter. I am waiting to see if he is still as keen on it with starting high school this year.
Have you tried the 'other' Special K cereals? None of them are antying like the original puffy one that melted in milk. They are flakes, and have flavour and way better. I had some of the original kind and when they were getting pretty old becuase nobody would eat them, I used them in place of rice krispies for squares. Seems that anything held together with melted marshmallows doens't stand a chance. Everybody will eat them!

My word is HUCKL....I think that might be what you do after eating some of that Kashit.

September 24, 2011 3:25 PM  
Blogger Nursedude said...

I miss being young enough to enjoy Alpha Bits and Cap'n Crunch or even Count Chocula. Now I'm at the age where medical research (and my family Dr) quote the maxim: "If it tastes good...spit it out".

My DB is a proponent of "clean eating", which I always thought meant not reusing my fork or the same mug for juice AND milk. (after rinsing it).

She had me go to the health food store the other day and purchase a small bag of something called HOLY CRAP. The sad thing: Doesn't taste half bad in yogurt. sigh.

My word: untan. As in I'm not pale, I'm untan

September 26, 2011 7:37 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...

my hubby is the only person on the planet that looks hot in a Shitters Full hat. he's also the one my sister is making fun of in her column today (by the way, I warned him first, you should have seen the look on his face, pure terror. hee hee)

September 26, 2011 10:21 AM  

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