November 22, 2011


It didn't deserve to be capitalized, which gives you an idea of what you're in for, should you choose to continue reading.

First, Saturday night with the Porsche Club was amazing. Aaron is such a doll. I have pics - I'll post one tomorrow, I'm too lazy. I've been running around like the proverbial headless chicken, and even the idea of finding the camera cable and actually doing something as complicated as clicking 'download' is beyond me. Sorry. Anyway. Full post of Aaron and the Porsche club tomorrow.

You want to know how I know the Christmas season is officially upon us? A Santa parade? Christmas carols? Nope. It's my first ad for Ov Glove, or however you spell it. Once the As Seen On TV ads start, you know you've descended into festive hell.

Maggie is sitting at my elbow as I work. She's been fed. It must be love. I love Maggie.

I was talking to someone the other day about the new Fiat. I drove it in New York, and totally loved it. As we talked, I mentioned that I really hoped nothing would stick up it's ugly nose to screw this car up. Chrysler posted a few days ago that sales are far off what they wanted, but admitted it's due to the fact they've tried to develop new dealerships just to sell the tiny cars. As the bricks and mortar construction of said dealerships have stumbled, so have sales. They're looking long term. Or so they say. But today, as I trolled around on Jezebel, I've learned a sordid truth: those Jennifer Lopez ads, where she's driving though the 'hood, expounding her love for the gritty side of that 'hood? You know, cuz she's Jenny from the 'hood? (yes, I just like saying 'hood). Well. Double. She never left L.A. to film said gritty 'hood, which is the Bronx. I must admit: I do not like Jennifer Lopez. I don't get it. Sorry. I just don't. I find her the epitome of everything that is wrong with fame: she can't sing, she can't act (though George Clooney brought out the best in her in that early movie I forget the name of; it could have just been George, though. I admit it.) She's pretty but forgettable, and a smokin' ass isn't enough to make me forget how cloying she is. And now, she can't even fly to New York to drive a darling Fiat? Bah.

I spoke at Queen's Park yesterday about being crazy. I'm speaking at CAMH tomorrow night for the same reason. Just thought I'd throw that in there. Motorcycles, Porsches, bipolar. I always have to make sure I pack the right speech.

I read an article today that hair dye is killing and maiming women in the U.K. This is horrifying. I'm heading to the lab tomorrow for an overhaul, and while I don't want to die, nor do I want to have dark roots. I am shallow. So shoot me and kick some leaves over me.

I filed a column about a dead squirrel today.

Oh, that pic up there? That's an outtake from my TV show that I'm going use to take over the world. Okay, maybe not. But I'll be damned if I'm not gonna try.


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I'm sorry to hear USA is gonna get a big ass engine in their Fiats. I love the ones we have now. Loved them when I was in Roma, loved them in Tuscany and Florence. Love the current ones with the sunroof and man trans...and I hate manuals!
Jen Lopez should just get real, work a volunteer shift in a soup kitchen in Queens one day. she'd see what reality is. Your leather jacket is typical, classy you BUT, how about a calmer colour instead of lipstick any Mocha or Chocolate colored ones? That red is gonna make my screen jump.Just bought a pair of boots with get this...camel skin!Supposed to be tougher than sissy cow hides, or So Marks WW tells me. I do know that Arabs gut a dead camel and live inside the rib cage with hide intact and tunnel out the fatty dome to make a smokestack in the maybe there's something to this camel leather.

November 22, 2011 9:54 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

"Do you have a leather jacket in another colour?"


Maybe just a few.

November 23, 2011 8:39 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I was gonna comment on the new "Lorraine Sommerfeld, Used Car Agent At Large" reality show you're obviously hoping to flog (is that yellow Corvette behind you REALLY just 47 grand? I always wanted a yellow corvette, but now that I can afford one I'd just look SO retarded in it) but Buzz's comment knocked me on my bootiliscious (aka: keister.)

Really Buzz? REALLY?! They live in there? With a chimney? WHY? They don't believe in Sandy Claws. And all those little restaurants I see where they're all smoking 'dem pipes and all, it seems to me they'd just want to plug that chimbley up and fill the carcass with smoke anyway. Check your sources. The chimney is a deal breaker.

My word is "knine." Coincidence? I think not. And neither does Maggie.

November 23, 2011 8:44 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Have you contacted Danier yet about a product placement/sponsorship opportunity?

My word? bottanch; the sound a toilet makes when JLo parks her caboose on the seat...

November 23, 2011 9:17 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

From what I recall, the hump is just a blob of tissue and fat so it's removed and the hole becomes the chimmeny.When a camel expired, it was common to hollow one out. The pics I've seen of this practice were old, during the 1920s. No chimmeny stacks...I'm pretty sure they didn't walk to the nearest IKEA and ask for furniture either. This was before LandRovers existed.

November 23, 2011 11:13 AM  
Anonymous PJ said...

babbling? Yep! And it appears contagious judging from Buzz and Chris' response.

I say this "couse" I can. Sorry couldn't resist.

November 23, 2011 4:35 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Ozzie, I'll never look at a toilet seat the same way ever again....

Chris, that whole hollowed-out camel thing reminds me of the "Pit Dragon Trilogy" by Jane Yolen. Only the main characters sheltered themselves inside the carcass of a tragically-slaughtered dragon instead (yes, I do try to avoid "adult" fiction whenever possible - it takes itself waaaay too seriously...). Guess that's where she must have gotten the idea.

Ya learn something new every day. That's the true beauty of babble, PJ.

p.s. I like the red jacket. No - I love the red jacket.

November 23, 2011 5:29 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

I saw the pilot. It's great!!!

neener neener nee-ner

November 24, 2011 1:39 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

You did NOT see me. And please stop referring to me as "it". But (blush, blush) yes... it's true.

Where did you see it? Or is this one of those "sister" telepathic moments. I think Maury Povich did a show like that. "My sister lifted a tractor and I got a hernia!!" or something like that.

November 24, 2011 5:24 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

The best depiction of telepathic sister moments I've seen was in the movie "City of Lost Children." Gives new meaning to the expression "evil twin."

I've never experienced one of those, but I have had many, many telepathic spouse moments. The family joke is that one of these days we won't even have to utter a word - just smile and nod.

Actually, we're pretty much there now...

November 24, 2011 5:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the red jacket and guessing from the times I've seen it (everyday on the website header) on tv (Cable 23) and now here, I'm thinking it is a favorite for Lovely Lorraine. I always head for red when I can! Had the most awesome red leather jacket in the 80's and it still hangs in my closet, screaming 1980's so I don't dare wear it but it is butter soft and I can't bear to part with it.
My mom keeps asking me what I want for Christmas this year....I think I know now.

My word is osmsielu???? not a clue where to go with that one.

November 25, 2011 7:46 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

An Australian healthy breakfast cereal?

See? I TOLD you leather jackets can be buttery soft!!

November 25, 2011 9:23 AM  

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