November 1, 2011

Hey, baby, I think I want to marry youuuuuuu.

Ugh. Just read another 'surprise wedding' blurb. Some guy did it this past summer in these parts, and now a woman did it. Can't find the link; it doesn't matter. The deal is that your beloved asks you to meet them somewhere, you show up and they throw you a *surprise!* wedding. Yeah. The whole thing.

You know, some surprises are nice. I'm reaching here; I hate surprises. A lot. But I can imagine a surprise like, a cheque arriving that you'd forgotten about, or your kid vacuuming while you were out, or getting to the checkout and finding out everything is 30% off - those are pleasant surprises. But a wedding? Yeah, that'd be a killing.

I get that I'm a wedding scrooge. I really do. Too much over the top crapola on TV, too many women spending thousands on a dress they can't afford, too many family battles over stupid stuff. A lovely wedding is a gift in itself; a lovely marriage more so. I just rarely see either, though I could get out more, it's true.

Speaking of gaily wrapping empty boxes, I wrote a column a couple of weeks back about a stranger taking me to task for my looks. I basically said "meh, works for me" and left it at that. And then I got this note in the mail:

Dear Lorraine Sommerfeld,

You are mistaken. Personal packaging is the most important thing a woman can do, along with cooking delicious meals. That is, if she wants a dedicated husband who is attracted to her.

I thought only of my duties and forgot to embellish my looks. My husband always sat in a house around the corner with a couple where the woman embellished her looks. I was more educated and intelligent than she was. She had 2 men and I had no one.

After she died (ate too rich and died of a heart attack) and after my husband died (age 86) her husband and I got together and I now embellish my looks to the very best of my ability. he is devoted and attracted to me and I'm finally happy.

Don't underestimate looking great!

She signed it. Her handwriting me reminds of my grandparents old country script, and I read the whole thing in my head with a German accent. Of course I adore her. I mean, the two of us have wildly varying goals, but you gotta love the spit and the holler of the lady. I can understand her advice even as I don't take it. A dedicated husband has never been at the top of my wish list, even when I had one. I have been known to embellish my looks on occasion, but mostly I forget.

After putting together the letter with the other rambunctious thoughts in my head, at least I know I am smacking two birds with one stone: no embellishment, no surprise wedding.


Anonymous Zena said...

I think your friend has failed to consider a few things:

1) Some people just need more embellishment than others.

2) The true test of love is the morning apparition. If the vision of her in all her glory, complete with rat's nest hair, crusty eye boogers, pillow-crinkled cheeks and toe breath doesn't send him screaming to the neighbours around the corner, then he's a keeper.

3) Maybe her second husband was just less of a boob than the first one.

I must say, though, the concept of "surprise weddings" certainly has evolved in recent years...

November 01, 2011 1:54 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Surprise weddings? Pffft! What about the skank Kardashian? Gives up after 72 days of being married? 72 days? I've had headaches last longer than that.

Talk about an over-inflated sense of one's self... and there are enough eejits out there who embrace this and empower people like her to continue on with their insignificant, entitled ways...

Makes me sick...

BTW, Sheryl and I were married in Vegas and only my brother new.


November 01, 2011 2:19 PM  
Blogger Lucywestie said...

I am always stunned at what people spend on a wedding these days and they are still paying for it when they are divorcing 5 years later. Our wedding in the far frozen north of Labrador cost us $25 for the certificate and we were married by Judge Igloliorte. A great man who has served and is still serving the Innuit population for many years. He even took our wedding photos for us. $25 and married for 21 years, can't beat that.

November 01, 2011 3:25 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

No kidding, Ozzie. We're still reeling from a triple-whammy-knockout financial sucker punch (included amongst the economic blows were a predatory pre-HST provincial audit and an irreversible industry shift to off-shore labour - okay, stippled with a certain measure of entrepreneurial naiveté on our part...). I can't think of the money those people were able to throw away on their overblown wedding extravaganza without inducing palpitations.

I do try not be be a jealous, begrudging person, but. Dammit - give me that money! I'd do something constructive with it!

We got married in my parents' livingroom - about five years earlier than expected... (uh, mom? dad? erm... heh, heh - surprise...)

November 01, 2011 3:31 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Five years, Zena? Really? Five years? Was there a bet to see who would explode first?

My word is 'seenu' as in...

Anyways, I seenu at the mall and like he went and said, like it was no big deal like that he would buy us beers an that, like so he goes an then she goes to - what the hell then i seenu again in his car after what's that about, eh?

November 01, 2011 3:59 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

The surprise wedding idea is just so wrong on so many levels. I read Lorainne's column on her make over nagging friend when it was in print. Was funny to read it again. The lady who writes about personal packaging on the other can I put this nicely... a very scary old broad.REading between the lines here I wonder what she means by embellishing. Are we talking make up and rouge or gallon bucket of White Lightning body filler here? 'Embellish' has a connotation of lying, fudging with the truth, hiding, etc. And she let her husband sit in a house around theorner, hanging with the embellished babe? Any other woman woulda gone over there and knocked the bondo off her cheeks! Bad broad, lazy broad!

November 01, 2011 4:55 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I think my wife's eyes were scratched out in some horrific pre-pubescent accident. There's no embellishment on any shelf of any store in any city in any country on any continent of any planet, that would make any woman hold her breath until she saw me.

She gets around just fine though.

Oh... and PS? I'm pretty certain you look just ducky without embellishment.

Oh... and PPS? What's with the handicapped symbol by the word verification? If you can't see the "word" then you can't see the handicap symbol. I could go on... but... No.

November 01, 2011 5:36 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Ozzie: Oh, it was at least five years. By today's standards, it might even be closer to ten...

When I gaze at the precious catalyst for our hastily-arranged nuptials, (who has now seen the better part of three decades), I think "there's no way in aitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks he'd be ready for that kind of adventure. Now that I think of it, it's a wonder there were no major explosions at the time. I think everyone was too busy passing 'round the smelling salts. Holy crap, now that I really think of it, pass me some of them salts...

My word is "ughtcha." That's the standard not-awake-enough-to-avoid-uttering reaction to the "morning apparition," combined with the oops-how-do-I-make-that-sound-like-a-sneeze recovery attempt while rolling over to avoid a well-aimed elbow in the gut.

November 01, 2011 6:08 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

I understand. I awoke rapidly this morning as my wife shoved a pillow into my face - and held it there. She swears she was still sleeping.

There's a reason I'm going to the US tomorrow for a few days...

November 01, 2011 6:12 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Ooh - looks like you escaped that situation by the "skenur" teeth...

(I know I promised. I just can't resist a pun; the more ridiculous the better...)

November 01, 2011 10:31 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

A surprise wedding would be a bit disconcerting. I am trying to imagine the next trend - surprise divorces.

Hubby asks you out for a nice falafel, and there, nestled between the chick peas and the tsaziki sauce, are divorce papers. Then all of his relatives who you have never liked jump out and yell "surprise"!

And there you are, unprepared and unarmed, although those pointy things that they use in shishkebabs would make a nice weapon.

My word is "exhunnin " which sounds like it fits into this tale quite nicely.

November 02, 2011 7:02 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

jmd, I've found, surprisingly enough, that divorces all seem to come as a shock to SOMEONE.

November 02, 2011 11:43 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

Coming up to 20 years since our surprise wedding.

The Things are planning the party, and asked about catering. MDB and I said it should be the same as the wedding...pot luck.

And no one had more than 5 years in the pool.


November 08, 2011 12:02 PM  

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