While I have a hard time texting just to get my point across, my son Ari is able to perform a standup routine with his thumbs. These are random, over the past few months:
Me: You need to be home now
Ari: KK walking home
Me: From where, Mars? Your brother can probably get you. Text me...no, he won't so you have to walk I'm too tired. Don't get eaten by monsters.
Ari: Brb getting eaten
(I'm in bed messing with my phone)
Me: I need help
Ari: Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Me: You little sh*t, I need help with mean birds
(Midnight, rec room full of boys)
Me: Are you little buggers sleeping in the rec room? There are pillows and blankets in the rec room get your fiver....diver....duvet, piss off auto correct.
(I'm away on a trip, doing my remote control parenting, as usual)
Me: I'll be in thursday am mske sure your brother reads the text I sent him love you mom....WHY DID YOU CUT CLASS TODAY????
Ari: I cut last period cause it was raining
Me: You were absent for second as well. Rain is not a reason to stay home. There are children learning under trees in the desert who have dirt sandwiches for lunch. On a good day. Go to school. Tell your brother to answer my text to him.
(The next day)
Me: Hiya you guys okay?
Ari: Ive lost both my arms and my left big toe
Me: You brat. I just showed that text to people.
Ari: But seriously I need to get this checked out by someone. It stings.
Me: I'm gonna kill you hahaha
Ari: Not much left of me for you to kill
(I was away for one night; this is 9:30 that night)
Ari: Where do you keep the cake beaters?
Me: (an hour later) Lazy Susan
Ari: Yea thanks anyway got em took me 20 minutes
(I was Christmas shopping. Ari asked for a certain game. I was at the mall.)
Me: Marioheadcart for nintendo dsw?
Ari: mario kart 7 3DS
(Now I'm in the car and Ari is in Best Buy getting me a cover for my iPad.)
Ari: The brown one is $90 I hope you like white....And the line grows by 40 when I went to change the colour lol
(When he's late getting home one night)
Me: R r you?
Ari: I have been kidnapped
Me: That is not funny. Besides, who'd want you?
Ari: Good mothers want me
Me: Go find one who can cook. Tell her to kidnap me.
Ari: Terrible mother. what if I was actually home?
Me: Are you??? And you didn't come see me? Where are you?
Me: If you're home get up here or I'll kill you
Ari: I'm in Mexico the janitors stole me
Me: If you were home you'd be on your computer. JoJo just farted.
Ari: I'm not coming up there now