February 20, 2012

My outlook on Outlook

I appreciate that my Microsoft Outlook (or whatever it is; ask the boys) tries to take care of me. Really. It helpfully throws letters from readers into the trash, all because they have a little cartoony thing attached. Or sometimes for no reason at all. I used to wonder if my email would simply decide 'wow, we've never seen that name before, let's turn it away at the pass like those people who knock on the door selling religion and she always wishes would go away'. Maybe it really is trying to be helpful. And yet, every press release makes it through. Even ones where I've patiently ticked the 'unsubscribe' box. Even the ones I've blocked. Guess what? I'm not going to write about your product. You all write and offer me free samples of things to test and try out. I don't do that. The only time I ever replied and said 'we should talk' was a vodka company. They didn't answer.

Outlook helps me decide which of my friends I should be ignoring, by suddenly, inexplicably, sending an ongoing conversation into the bin. I guess it gets bored; usually the result is that I figure I've said something insulting, and the conversation has been hung out to dry.

I shrug and pretend I am not madly, deeply hurt. Then the next day, I discover their answer, and no doubt discover they thought the same thing, though the hurt is usually not quite so mad, nor so deep. Others get over this more easily than I do, it seems.

I try to use all the little things that come with the program. I set up folders, put stuff in them, then I can't find them. The folders. Or the stuff. I read on tech sites about people trying to find out how to hide emails so that nobody can find them. I think they should just make a folder in Outlook: it will never be found again.

I try to tidy up my inbox, because I spend a disproportionate amount of time searching for things. Just this morning I was cussing away that I couldn't find an email I needed from December, then realized I was trolling through December, 2010. It took me far too long to realize this. Sometimes, someone will tell me I am witty, or quick, or even quick-witted. I invite them to watch me search for an email.

Quite often, I will send myself an email, especially from my iPad in bed at night when I am struck with a fabulous idea. I've discovered that morning often blows the fabulous off most ideas, but you never know. I tell myself I can just send a few key words, and the entire idea will come back to me. I have dozens of 3 word emails from the past few years that are apparently embryonic columns; if there is actually a nugget of brilliance in any of them, it's the world's longest gestation.

Just now, I was on a site and had to send myself a bunch of links so I could put them in a folder. So I can never find them again, as you know. Got it all tidy, got it all labeled, hit send. And watched as the email sent from my email address on my computer landed in the junk box.

My own computer is declaring that I am junk.


Anonymous jmd said...

Sometimes I notice that I have new email, and I click on it with great anticipation, smiling with glee, only to find that it is something that I have mistakenly emailed to myself. Bummer.

February 20, 2012 7:21 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Well, that's funny, Jane. Cuz your emails are some of the funniest I get...maybe it's like tickling yourself? You can't find the funny in pictures of your own cats?

Nah. That can't be right. Your cats rule.

February 20, 2012 7:23 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Obviously Larry has never puked in your shoe.

February 20, 2012 7:37 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

OK, so the age thing is going to mess this up, but, if memory serves, a comedian would write himself notes for bits when loaded and would review them later in the cold light of day. One such note? Hamster nipples.

February 21, 2012 9:07 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

On the subject of old and loaded comedians, my youngest son has discovered Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's old bits. I have been watching them on Youtube and laughing my ass off. (Well, not totally off, there is quite a bit of it left.)

February 21, 2012 11:15 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Those two could make Lenny Bruce blush... again, showing our respective ages, here!

February 21, 2012 11:17 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

"Derek and Clive Get the Horn" - absolutely filthy and hilarious. Don't watch it if you are easily offended.

February 21, 2012 1:54 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I don't have speakers right now, so I'll have to wait. But I will.

I like my filth and hilarity to have audio.

February 21, 2012 2:22 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

When we say filth, we mean it. Perhaps a prudent investment in headphones is required, after all?

In spite of Derek and Clive's (Pete and Dud)reputation, they did play one or two royal command performances. Seems Phil and Liz are avid fans of filth, don't you know?

PS This robot is having a hard time deciphering the first 'word' on occasion. Just saying...

February 21, 2012 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

I dunno, Ozzie; I think hamster nipples could be quite hilarious in the, erm, hands of a comedian skilled enough to, ah, milk the joke...

On second thought, "hamster nipples" sounds like something the new word (de)cipher would come up with.

Is it just me, or do these things read like some sort of 1960s subliminal mind-control commands? Mine's "introduce optgad." I'd be happy to oblige if I could figure out what "optgad" is and how one goes about introducing it...

February 21, 2012 3:08 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Like Ben Stiller in the first Fokker flick - milking cats?

And now this? readily uldsdat - WTF?

February 21, 2012 3:35 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Readily uldsdat - there's an udder joke in there somewhere, I'm sure.

Absolutely positive I would never attempt to milk a cat. The idea, even - it's almost sacrilegious...

February 21, 2012 4:28 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Milking a cat?

As difficult to do as baptising one!

February 21, 2012 6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Derek and Clive, I forgot this. It is hilarious. I may have learned a couple of new words from this exerpt

February 23, 2012 7:55 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

It's sort of bittersweet watching these two - Peter Cook basically drank himself to death, and Dudley Moore died from some horrible neurological disease. What a sad ending for them both.

February 23, 2012 9:46 AM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

How many were/are aware that Dud was a talented musician - a respected jazz pianist?

February 23, 2012 10:31 AM  

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