March 12, 2012

Burbling on a daylight savings Monday

You probably have read that Jann Arden got tossed of a VIA train for having her dog in a bag with her. Raging continues on both sides of the debate. Whatever. All it did was remind me of another form of travel that dogs have been on my radar for lately: airplanes.

Apparently, airlines started letting people bring those little yappy dogs on planes a while ago. I did not know this. I fly fairly frequently. This matters to me. I am not allergic to dogs, but I know people who are. I love my cats more than I love my kids, and don't think I haven't considered bringing my wee Maggie aboard with me on more than one occasion. She is very well behaved, and has quite a stunning traveling wardrobe. But I also have friends who upon entering my home, lunge for the Claritin. And my girls don't even shed. Much. But I get it.

But of course I have a story about this. On the way to Miami late last year, there was a dog on board that I was unaware of. It had it's own little plaid carryon, which was darling. And it was so quiet I didn't know it was there. I was too busy wondering why I can't eat a peanut on a flight because someone might have allergies. But the whole time, there was a little dog right there, across the aisle. It was one of those stringy little things with the ears. Yorkie? Maybe? Sorry. I'm not a dog connoisseur. And heading to Miami in winter, well, of course there was a Yorkie on board.

But. When I landed, at dinner that night with other journos, we got to trading stories. Apparently, on HIS flight from Edmonton, there had been a similar story. A family of four had their pup on board. Mom, Dad, two kids. But then it all went to hell. It's a long flight. And an hour in, the dog crapped it's carrier. Know how I said I had no clue that little Yorkie was on my flight? Yeah. Within ten minutes, the entire flight from Edmonton knew there was a dog on board. With Mom yelling at Dad, and the kids freaking out, and the rest of the passengers no doubt thinking 'why couldn't we have that cute little crapless Yorkie on Lorraine's flight?', Dad took the dog out of the crate, covered in crap, and walked it up the aisle to the bathroom. I can think of so many things wrong, I barely know where to start.

Your dog is peering out at you covered in poop. The rest of a planeful of people are all staring suspiciously at the person beside them, wondering if they ordered the pork. Somehow, you decide liberating your dog from it's crapwomb is a good choice. Heading down the aisle holding a crap covered dog at armslength is good for two things: people stop blaming their seatmate for ordering the pork, and your wife stops bitching at you to 'do something, damn it'.

However. Once in an airplane washroom, you will soon realize you have about zero choices. Seriously. I can barely brush my teeth in there without poking my eye out with the faucet. What I would ever do with a squirming dog covered in crap is beyond me. I was told the father finally emerged with the dog. I am not sure of the crapstatus of said dog, though I am certain nobody went in that bathroom for the rest of the flight. It must have looked like one of those paintings someone pays 18 million dollars for and you quietly say to yourself, 'really? I just don't get it.'

The rest of the flight was a flying fetid disaster. And forgive me, but I know how much a car manufacturer paid to fly me to Miami. If I had to spend the entire flight remembering the outhouse we used to have at the cottage, I'd be a little pissed.

Dog lovers, hold your fire. I love pets. I mean, I stupid love them. I'm the idiot who offers to hold your crying kid on a flight. Me, who doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. I am sympathetic. I sometimes even border on kind. But even I have limits.

Oh, I have the news on. Ontario is blasting ahead with new casinos. How awesome is that? How about we find a new income stream that isn't really there? This isn't Oceans Eleven, Ontario. There are many real people who are addicts and have problems. Huge problems. Family destroying problems. There is a difference between creating tourist areas that happen to have a casino in them, and developing ideas where the pin is the casino.

Speaking of pin. You checked out that Pinterest thing yet? I read it's the fastest developing web thingmabobby, ever. It's essentially a site where people take pictures and 'pin' them up. They post things they like. I read it's 97% female. Geez. I believe this. It's an internet scrapbook. I do not scrapbook. I do not even note dates on photos of the kids. One of them will find a baby pic and say 'is this me?' and I say 'yes' and they say 'you didn't even look at it' and I look again and tell them who it was based on the sweater I was wearing.

Kids have abandoned Facebook because it was infiltrated by middle-aged women. Now Pinterest has been developed to corral middle-aged women with a camera. Hold your fire, middle-aged women. I am one of you. I just don't get this. Any of it. Forget it. Throw things at me.


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Re Pinterest, it's coming on like chinese gongs here. My Eko cartoon was placed on it last week. Imagine my surprise. Dogs on airplanes....I'm surprised that idea was approved. Seems you pay more per flight to put up with less amenities & more garbage. Casinos, there's a huge scandal waiting to erupt. Where does the money really go? Ontario shouldn't be in debt mode after seeing Casino Niagara last summer. I have grave suspicions where that money is going.

March 12, 2012 6:59 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Please, please, please don't get me going about dogs on airplanes. I agree with you so much the guy at the DNA lab will never be able to tell our brains apart. And the thing is my wife and I love Jann Arden. She is hilarious. I hate her songs but I love Jann. But Jann... the sign on Via's trains say "NO PETS ALLOWED IN THE PASSENGER CARS." It does not add "EXCEPT JANN ARDEN." You are people, Jann. People may not chunk their pets under their seats. If you have a problem with it write to your local Via representative or better yet, Mr. Ford. He is a lightning rod for all things odd and incomprehensible. There's your man, Jann.

When someone gets so wired over sentiments being expressed on the internet they become "tovired Intement." That's me right now.

March 12, 2012 9:55 PM  
Anonymous annie said...

"liberating your dog from it's crapwomb"

Hell yes. Can you say "Pulitzer"?

Good God, I love you.

March 12, 2012 11:50 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

You make me laugh so hard with the dog on a plane story AND you have even acted it out on the phone for me already. You would only volunteer to hold a squalling kid on a plane so you could pinch it and give it something to cry for. (all while smiling, of course)

March 13, 2012 2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and you can bet that woman who insisted the dad "Do something!" was the one who wanted to take the dog on the plane in the first place. I would guarantee that is a man who is whipped.
But I enjoyed the story immensely and reminded once again why I hate to fly.

March 13, 2012 3:07 PM  
Anonymous Padraig said...

My dog is beside me as I write this. I do not let her on the furniture. She does not sleep with me. She is not fed at the table. I do not buy her barbecued duck feet as a treat. I would not take her on a plane, a train or a TTC streetcar. She is a dog. She seems to be totally at ease with that reality. And so am I.

Who is Jann Arden? Has she ever recorded anything that I could whistle?

March 15, 2012 8:46 AM  

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