March 25, 2012


Heart & Soul

So, does Dick Cheney actually deserve a new heart? The miserable bastard is 71. I lost my parents when they were both 70, so I've always called that young. But Cheney has been polluting the political landscape for so long, you must excuse me for thinking he's over a hundred by now.

There will be much mucking about over whether he jumped the list, and of course he did. That 1% get to do things like that, and I'm only surprised he didn't go to a high school football game and rip the still- beating heart out of a winning quarterback.

Everyone should get their licences out right now and sign the things. Give over. The waiting lists are ridiculously long, and holding on to the bits you no longer need is like people who hoard cats or fill their basements with enough laundry detergent clean a mine shaft.

I don't know that my spare parts would be of much use; if someone woke up with my eyes, they'd probably be pissed that they would now need Lasik if they actually wanted to see anything. My liver has been valiant, but years of prescription drugs have no doubt punched some holes in it. Then again, if my liver woke up in a new body it would probably start dancing.

Speaking of dancing...nobody would want to come around to find my two left feet newly attached. My training is going well, but I haven't actually started the dancing part yet. Adam Higson, my awesome trainer, is creating a silk purse out of a sow's ear. When I marvel that I'm getting little lines on my belly, he grins and agrees then reminds me even he can only do so much, because I'm old. Yes, he says that. To repay him, he tells me all the food I should be eating (and not eating) and I keep doing what I want. We've coined a term: Body by Adam; the rest is my fault.

My heart is well used, but I'm sure it would be worth plugging into a new home. I'd like it to be a nice one though, and I wonder if whomever's is thumping away in that old war-mongers chest might be having second thoughts.

I would like my parts to be adopted out like kittens: only to good homes.

On my Twitter just now, I pondered if now that Cheney had a new heart, was George W. wondering where he was on the list for a brain? Someone cast Karl Rove as the Cowardly Lion, and we were wondering if Condi would make a good Dorothy. Someone else decided Rumsfield could be the wizard: all I know for sure is that the flying monkey cast could be filled instantly.

I think of the mess left behind by this squad, as they fartarsed off into the sunset with their dance cards filled and their pockets lined. I think of the millions of Americans with blown apart lives, trying to live in bankrupted cities and states. I think of the lack of trust on all sides, now, and deservedly so. What was once a noble calling, perhaps, this public service, is now just an opportunity to turn the tide long enough to get your own boat to safe harbour, then let the rest duke it out for scraps. In my own country, I'm dismayed by the lot of them, frankly. A king with no heart presiding over a sidewalk game of three card Monte.

With the tide of woman-hating taking place south of us, and leaking up here, I watch Santorum desperately trying to reduce women's health to some medieval view of Men Know Best. I swear the only war room discussions the far right have about women is to wonder why the hell anyone let them vote in the first place.

Too bad we can't sign our organ donor cards to hand over a conscience.

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13 Comments:

Anonymous jmd said...

Oh my God!!! Obviously the oil baron/brain trust/greedy bastards are trying to get him healthy enough to run him for President.

Twenty months on the waiting list my ass. I hope the new heart rejects HIM.

March 25, 2012 4:58 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Until you wrote this, I was convinced Cheney was lacking a heart in the first place...

Plus, if indeed he did sell his soul to the devil, would the responsibility for spare parts now be Satan's? Or does he just stand to get Cheney's worthless soul sooner than later?

Regardless, I don't really care. Unless, of course, he keels over before some easily-led family accepts blood money to donate a young and healthy heart to the bastard.

March 25, 2012 7:16 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I actually think this brings up a very interesting question: would you donate your organs to someone like Cheney?

Ethically, I s'pose, you should save a life regardless of how that life has been lived if the medical profession has deemed that life fit to be saved.

I've seen this come up with livers and alcoholics; you can't stop someone with a new liver from drinking, and indeed, I've read many accounts where people have drunk their way through several.

Are we going to usher in a new era of Organ Judgement? Selective Donation? I mean, we do it with adoption; can this be far behind?

March 25, 2012 7:32 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I personally believe the surgeons goofed during Cheney's operation. They should've removed his penis and put it where his so called heart was. Since it's clear there wasn't enough blood for both to function, maybe what he normally gets his jollies from will trigger his empathy bank. Then again, Satan may have taken THAT during the cross roads trade as well...Dick Cheney, what an aptly named waste of protoplasm.

March 25, 2012 8:01 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Regrettably any doctor who wishes to continue to practice medicine would HAVE to proclaim the vast majority of lives are fit to be saved... they took an oath.

Unless Cheney was in a state that was pro-assisted suicide...

March 25, 2012 9:06 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

He should be in jail. I think this should be our loophole.. If he was in jail. Where he belongs.

March 25, 2012 9:10 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I said to my wife this morning that if ever there was a heart that needed changing it was in that bastar.... er.... individual. Yes, I am that christianly. Can't you see the glow over my head? But the remark about George W now being in line for a brain was better than anything my million monkeys in front of their million i-Pads would come up with in a million years.

Thanks for a smile at a time I really, really need one.

March 26, 2012 8:42 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Yeah, Chris, I've had you tucked in the back of my mind with all the recent turmoil.

There is support out here.

Lots.

March 26, 2012 9:27 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Thanks for that. Last night we came across a bunny that had been hit by a car. It was thrashing around on the road... obviously not going to survive. I stopped the car and our foster daughter and I decided the best thing to do was to put it out of it's misery.

I couldn't do it. At a time when killing something would seem to be... shall we say... almost cathartic, I could not kill a little bunny to put it out of it's misery. I think there may be hope for me.

Although I feel like crap.

The good thing was that it died while we were there. We went home and got a shoe box and buried it in the woods. This morning we went back to check on it and it had been excavated and there was a little pile of fur. The circle of life is complete.

Why do I not feel good?

March 26, 2012 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Zena said...

At the risk of sounding crass, perhaps we could look at it in terms of the bunny having donated its no-longer-needed organs to help sustain another life?

I'm still on the fence about organ donation. I get the donation part, and the giving others a chance at new and/or improved life, etc. But I really am uncomfortable with the emerging aura of coercion that increasingly surrounds the issue.

I'm a human being, not a piece of meat, and my body is, well, mine. If I choose to gift my organs, then it's a gift - not an expectation. And if I choose not, then that should be okay too. Not everyone wants their leftover bits to be bartered and bandied about when they're gone, and that should be respected. It's a delicate issue.

Now I've got that scene from "The Meaning of Life" stuck in my head...

March 26, 2012 1:37 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Zena you're so right. The tragic thing is the bunny had not signed it's organ donor card. So in the wild, your opinion really doesn't matter. You don't have the choice of donating or not donating.

And I never thought of you as just a piece of meat.

Although whatever devoured bunny may have thought otherwise.

March 26, 2012 3:56 PM  
Anonymous Pat Lake said...

I would cheerfully donate my organs to Dick Cheney ... under the condition that he is first convicted for his crimes against humanity and sentenced to serve the rest of his life in prison with no possibility of parole ... then I'd be happy to keep the miserable old bastard alive until he is 300!

March 26, 2012 5:06 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

Signing your organ donor card doesn't help a lot ~ you need to go to beadonor.ca ~ really easy and will be on record.
Sandy

March 26, 2012 5:11 PM  

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