April 27, 2012


Because SOMEBODY has to be the stupid one

Remember those ads for Nutella, that gross chocolate spread? It showed a lovely mother spreading it on toast for her lovely kids. A glass of milk sat close by, and the voiceover told you that Nutella was part of a healthy breakfast. Oh, how I laughed. I mean, I hate the crap, and my kids do too. I bought it once, and it sat there. It was gross. But part of a healthy breakfast, my ass. Even my cat glanced at the TV and said "healthy? For realz?". Well, she might have.

Anyway. The ad ran for years. But it's finally caught up to them, and the company has to pay out for misleading consumers.

Let us consider products that should send alarms bells singing. Diet Bacon. Okay, that's the only one I can think of right now. My back is sore from assuring my tango teacher than I can bend over backwards, literally, like I'm a marionette and someone just chopped my strings. It is a lovely and dramatic effect, but one that is rendering me incapable of moving without wincing afterwards. The things I do for sport.

If you see something called Diet Bacon, you'd start laughing. I used to buy the kids turkey bacon because I thought I was saving them from a plate full of sludgy fat and salt. I do not like bacon, so what did I care? They called it Facon. The imposter was not a success. But if I buy real bacon, straight off the pig, I am totally aware there is no way to make that a healthy part of any breakfast. So, Nutella? How stupid are you? Call it part of a fun breakfast. Call it part of a chocolate breakfast. Call it part of a conspiracy that makes us believe we have to care what our kids will and will not eat. Miserable little bastards. Siddown and shut up, there are kids in parts of Africa eating dirt.

But mostly? How about stupid people stop making other people pay because they are stupid? Read the label, accept that you are responsible for what your kids put in their mouths, and act accordingly. People sue McDonalds for making them fat. Don't make me dig up the link, but was a couple of years back two women sued them. These women ate at McDonalds daily for years and got fat. Ya think? This is McDonalds fault. Their advertising and marketing is too good. And they aim it at kids.

Well, hell, their logo is a big old creepy clown and other odd cartoon characters, their subtle corporate colours are red and yellow, and they give out toys! Of course they're marketing to kids. And those kids have parents, who are supposed to be able to say "no, eat your broccoli" and if Junior gets all pissy, you could always package broccoli as part of a homemade Happy Meal, though I'm uncertain what kind of toy you should include. Maybe a shoelace, or a calculator.

These lawsuits are not paying out because they make bad products (even if they do), and they're not paying out because their advertising is misleading (even if it is); they're paying out because people are stupid.

I make bad food decisions on many days. Not so much lately, because the man who is giving me a new body, Adam Higson, is barking at me to cut carbs. I asked him what those were, and burst into tears when I heard him outlaw potatoes. I cried. I love peasant food. But we are drinking a lot of slurpees in this house, and I feel healthier just looking at the blender. Except for my back, of course. Without Adam, I would no doubt be doing my usual: pulling up to a combination salt lick/wine bar.

Free will. Choice. Literacy. Access to (compared to the rest of the world) cheap food. And you're gonna sue Nutella for being chocolate?



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23 Comments:

Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I'm sorry I won't be seeing the tango-rama.I could use some genuine ear to ear smirks. It is truly strange the crap supermarkets carry now and call food. They have stuff in freezer bags that look suspiciously like marinated cat parts. But it says on there with a straight face, "chicken wings Buffalo Style" Hey, is it a chicken or is it a Buffalo? I mean that is the biggest wing I ever saw. Sorry, I had to vent. I'm on a diet.

April 27, 2012 3:13 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Ever notice how people in a restaurant order a large poutine with extra cheese, and a Diet Coke?

April 27, 2012 3:20 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

There is a delightful chip truck near us that makes terrific fish and chips. Makes big money selling poutine by the hundred weight. I had never tried or had an inkling to try same. Until last week. I went to the truck around 1.20pm and ordered a junior. I meant fries. I did not check my change, Normally $2.50. Looked close to that. The kid serving was the son of the woman who owns and runs the place. Last time I saw someone like him was sitting on a porch playing a Banjo in Deliverance...
Anyway, took my fried delights back home, opened up the bag and was dismayed to see a junior pile of fries with gravy and cheese turds. OK, so I tried it. One forkful. And then took them out to the dog run and dropped them into the container that is filled with Ben's bowel contents. Seemed like a fitting resting place.

We are what we eat, indeed.

April 27, 2012 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

"ithapp appleste." The word cypher is intruding on our conversation again...

Okay - I'll be the first to admit it: I love Nutella. I never eat it, though. First, because it's too expensive (and the jar is always empty when I get to it anyway); second, because nothing with that much saturated fat and sugar in it can be considered "health food." Unless you're a teen-aged dancer with a cardiovascular system of steel and a butt you could bounce hazelnuts off...

I also love poutine. But it has to be real fries, with real cheese curds and real gravy. To be eaten only when the full moon falls on the third Sunday of the eleventh month of an odd year.

I wouldn't touch a diet soft drink with a ten-foot javelin, though...

"Appleste," anyone?

April 27, 2012 6:35 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

My daughter, Thing 2, worked 2 days on the Nutella line at the factory, and couldn't make it through a whole shift without vomiting. Our niece, Cousin Thing worked on that line for a whole summer, and paid us her rent in Nutella. We still have a case or two of not-quite-full jars if anyone still wants some.We just can't bring ourselves to eat it. Grows in your mouth. Like dry white meat turkey.

Ozzie, I don't think Chip Truck Poutine would be close to authentic. It's kinda like trying to buy locally grown bananas in Ontario.

Zena, I also cant stand diet pop. Not because of all nastiness of sweeteners, I cant stand the taste...like the tin lining of the can.

And don't get me started on special diets. Too late. Went to Pizza Hut the other day to celebrate a co-workers moving on...the only thing on the menu I could eat was the chicken wrap.

There. I feel better now.

DJW

April 27, 2012 9:59 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Oh...

"I wouldn't touch a diet soft drink with a ten-foot javelin, though..."

...reminds me, Lorraine, there is a '66 Ambassador for sale on #25 just on the north edge of Milton if you're interested. Powder Blue.

So who else can follow that train of thought?

April 27, 2012 10:04 PM  
Anonymous Lorraine said...

A '66? Oooooh. (sweeps nutella off the table...)

April 27, 2012 10:08 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Aw, DJW, that's an easy one: pointy javelin - Javelin the car - AMC - AMC Ambassador...

Unless of course it had something to do with the tin-can lining taste of diet soft drinks (perfect, tooth-jarring description, by the way).

Gremlins were AMC too, weren't they? Talk about tin-can linings...

April 28, 2012 12:47 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

Zena wins!

I had 3 Javelins.

...or is that Javelini?

April 28, 2012 5:04 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...

DJW needs to sleep more. Seriously, 5:04 am?

April 28, 2012 8:58 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

Taking care of business and working overtime...

...Oakville needs water.

April 28, 2012 3:04 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Oh, and Zena wins a almost full jar of Nutella!

...or you can have Carrol Merril's box.

April 28, 2012 3:07 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Say what??!?!?

April 28, 2012 3:08 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Didn't you ever want Monte Hall to say that?

I'm sure he wanted to.

April 28, 2012 5:54 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

Or were you referring to Oakville?

April 28, 2012 5:55 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

No... It's all about the box. Always will be. Sorry Oakville; no contest.

April 28, 2012 5:59 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

You two are sick.

April 28, 2012 6:00 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Honi soit qui mal y pense!

April 28, 2012 6:07 PM  
Blogger DJW said...

My Army French failed me...I had to Babelfish that one.

I assure you no evil intent.

Just tongue in cheek...

April 28, 2012 6:15 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

There's a place in north Oakville (Glen Abbey, as we like to say) called Monestary bakery. Best bakery in the world. Well.... Oakville anyway. Which really is the world after all. Anyway, they just expanded (for the fourth time, I believe) and have brought in a 2kg container of Nutella that sells for $60. There are probably 50 of the things all over the store. I'm worried that they may be like the Germans in 1935. Stockpiling ammunition to take out all of Oakville.

April 30, 2012 8:21 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Oh... and "hey by the way", by the way. They won $2.5 million. There will probably be a million people on that particular bandwagon, and once the lawyers grab their cut there will probably be a sum total of $1.25 per complainant.

They should all be forced to put a sticker on their foreheads that reads "I am a moron. A greedy moron. So sue me!!! NO WAIT!!! DON'T SUE ME!!!"

Americans make we weep for the human race.

April 30, 2012 2:55 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Hey Chris, it seems that the word cipher agrees: "dincum alout."

Just have to point out, though, that there are just as many stupid Canadians wandering around in the wasteland (or should that be "waistland"...?) these days. Our southern neighbours do not have a monopoly on idiocy...

April 30, 2012 6:22 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Zena,
I was going to point out the same thing, but chose not to. Just to maintain my air of "bad-assness."

For a Canadian.

"redere withell" Is that bad-ass or what?

April 30, 2012 8:56 PM  

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