April 7, 2012

Don't hate me because I'm annoying

Unless you live under a rock (and trust me; I sometimes wonder about some of you), you've probably read or caught wind of the aftershocks from an article written by a tone-deaf woman in The Daily Mail. Samantha Brick bemoans the fact that her spectacular beauty has been a dual edged sword, eliciting free gifts and favours showered upon her by men, but earned her the constant derision of jealous women. Uhm. Check the link. I'm still trying to decide if it was written as a laugh; there is no way to win this one, and anyone who doesn't look like a dead possum lying roadside knows this.

Anyhoo. As expected, the internet exploded with shouts, cries and volleys of 'oh my god she is so ugly'. She isn't ugly; a little delusional, maybe, but not ugly. I mean, I get why she might not have any women friends, but it's got nothing to do with her looks. If the article is for real (and subsequent follow ups reveal it really is - ugh), then she's simply had her reality bone removed. She appears to live in her own little world where the act of men leering or buying you a drink is somehow reserved for the Angelina Jolies of the world - and the Samantha Bricks.

I would like to remind Ms. Brick that while I adore men and often like the warmth of their attention - should I wash my hair and don something other than my son's hand-me-downs - there are parts of the world where men have historically been known to have relations with sheep. And cows. And chickens. Anything that moves slower than they do. This is not a judgement on those men; I do not know the conditions that might require this last ditch effort for a little lovin'. But I do know that this does not make that sheep prettier than the other sheep. And chickens are positively weird looking. Yet still, there are people who buy them a drink, apparently.

So the internet exploded in a spew of bad manners calling her ugly and horrid and egotistical and delusional. Which I call fair, if mean. You put it out there, you deal with the fallout. I winced a little at some of it - if she's happy, so be it - but the internet is the wrong place to chum the waters. It's just too easy. And of course the piece had tons of pics, so we could check her out from every angle. And come away whelmed. Not over, not under, just whelmed.

I remember an old ad from when I was a kid, where an 'actress' came on the TV and said 'I'm Ruuuuuuula Lenska'. She made a dramatic pause so everyone watching in their living rooms could look at each other and say 'who the hell is Rula Lenska?' You probably remember it; her name was Rula Lenska. Yeah the famous Rula, who beat out Sophia Loren and Marilyn Monro for all those parts. Wait. Maybe not. My mother knew who she was, but my mother knew a lot of strange British actresses we'd never heard of. I remember tracking down all the Deanna Durbin movies when she still alive. See? Another one you've never heard of.

If there'd been an internet back then, Rula would have had the piss taken out of her. You can't really declare yourself famous. Or smart. Or charming. Or beautiful. Most people learn this by grade 2 when you're sitting on your own at every recess because nobody likes you. Sniff.

Kelly LeBrock had an ad where she said 'don't hate me because I'm beautiful'. She was beautiful. But the problem with this was the big bag of annoying that sits on top of that statement like a turd. Me using that shampoo isn't going to make me look like Kelly Lebrock. Not even with my dress over my head, like in that movie she did with Gene Wilder. I think. Man, his eyes still scare me.

Anyway. I have a point. Because it's so easy to slag this Brick woman, and easy is just so...easy, I rolled when I read this. My secret boyfriend, Tim Dowling, penned this column. I know, I keep linking his columns from The Guardian all the time. I can't help it. They're great. And now he's following me on Twitter, I can die happy.

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Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I'm certain both columns were send ups. I'm not sure who Mrs. Brick is spoofing, but it must be someone. Put it plainly, Brick is well...plain. Tim Dowling's spoof of Mrs. Brick is good. I have trouble believing anyone who'd write an article about how attractive they are to complete strangers. Reflections in ponds, eternal summer.The time it takes to see it all was just a dream...

April 07, 2012 11:27 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Brick has been on TV etc, and wrote a follow up column. She wasn't kidding. She actually said all the meanness proves her point. Uhm, okay...

April 07, 2012 12:13 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

She has chipmunk teeth.

April 07, 2012 12:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! I just googled Rula Lenska. She was Audrey's bitchy friend on Coronation Street. The one Audrey stole the giggilo from. I'm not signing this post now but Lorraine will know who I am.

April 07, 2012 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Speaking of chicken, does anyone, other than moi, wonder how you put flat chicken in the toaster without causing a big toaster fire? I'm thinking Lorraine's boys might know as Lorraine has probably bought shares in the company.

Pop. Dinner's ready!

April 07, 2012 12:25 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Corn Street 'giggilos'? Roz? That you?

I know nothing about flat chicken. I do know that I am regularly awakened by the smell of chicken fingers baking...at 2am.

April 07, 2012 12:27 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Okay. I'll admit it: I live under a rock. But you already knew that, didn't you?

I've been told on many occasions how beautiful I am. But then again, I've also just discovered that my beloved can no long see things close-up without his glasses on.

That's why he doesn't run screaming from the room when he sees me first thing in the morning. And also why he can attest to my stunning looks without even a hint of disingenuousness (new word...).

We all have our little delusions...

April 07, 2012 2:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"my beloved can...". Read out of context. Thought you were talking about yer butt.

April 07, 2012 2:22 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Oh, and I have rabbit teeth.

I might entertain trading for rabbit chipmunk teeth.

April 07, 2012 2:36 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Talk about reading out of context - this morning I saw a website called gottarent.com. It was a real estate page, but I sat and wondered if it was for an Oriental version of America's Got Talent.

April 07, 2012 3:06 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...


April 07, 2012 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Me too.

April 07, 2012 4:42 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

I just re read Brick's article again and looked at her pics again. She is madly delusional. If other women in the UK are worried about her appearance, they must be sad looking. Not one word about her demeanor I noticed. Could it be she gets cold shoulder because she comes off like an I'm so hotty? I just have a real hard time believing this is real. But then again, I've been to California and Texas.

April 07, 2012 11:42 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Well, we could talk about my butt if you like. Apparently that's beautiful too. Snort.

But we'll just stay mum about my cans, okay?

April 08, 2012 12:52 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Zena Oh girl, that can get us censored quickly.(in a good way) Let's not and say we did!

April 08, 2012 2:35 PM  
Anonymous Jim said...

There's nothing more attractive than a woman who's attractive and doesn't know it.

There's nothing more off putting than a woman who think's she's attractive and wants to tell the world about it.

Same would go for men.

April 09, 2012 11:24 AM  

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