April 5, 2012

Free Parking

Well, that was fun.

I had an early morning physical. I totally forgot about it until they called last night to confirm, but a little deadline skooshing here and there and, hey, no problem.

I had a 9:15 appointment, which means for a change, when I got to the doctor's office, the parking lot was nearly empty. Usually, you have to monkey around for a spot. The fact my column today is about parking makes the coming tale even more fun.

This is a small doctor's office. She has about four spots right outside her office - it's a one level building. The rest of the building is the usual medical-type offices. There was a car in the third spot when I pulled in, but the rest were empty. That car was a medical kind of car - the little zip around ones that bring reports or pick up samples or something. I dunno. I'm making this up as I go. It was logo-d with medical type things. I parked to the left of this car, which meant the spot to my left was open.

So far, so good.

And then I came out. There was a square of paper tucked under my windshield wiper. Odd. I pulled it out, and found this note:

I sat for a moment, and considered my detective skills. A quick recap to anyone who might feel lost: I'd parked to the left of a small car. Nobody else around. Okay, carrying on. There were now cars on either side of me. We were all parked perfectly fine. Hmmm. I hadn't noticed anyone in the doctor's office who struck me as the type who would throw around the word 'douchebag' with any sort of frequency. I admit, you never know, but still. I wonder if Nancy Drew ever had this happen to her.

I think this is a guy. Not sure why, but the female in me knows we mostly just get mad and get going because we're busy. We don't bother writing notes. And we don't want to lean across cars and risk getting dirt and birdcrap on our clothes. My car is covered in birdcrap; it sits under a huge maple tree, and this time of year, it's pretty gross.

I looked at the style of writing. That mix of writing and printing has a European thing about it. German/Hungarian/Polish. I recognize it from birthday and Christmas cards over the years from that part of my family with those roots. Black ballpoint pen; the cheapest kind. Piece of scrap paper just big enough for the note - my Dad would do that. Wouldn't waste anything. If I were to leave a note calling someone a douchebag, I would use a black finetip Sharpie and a whole piece of paper. I'm extravagant that way. It would also be illegible because I type everything and my writing has gone to hell. So, I'm guessing this person still writes a lot.

I've settled on an older, possibly Slavic, dude. With a temper. Why older? Younger would be more elaborate, and call me a douchenozzle or something like that. Kids today like to make it their own, to quote Randy on American Idol. The thing is, to call a stranger a douchebag is pretty harsh. Except. EXCEPT: THIS IS HOW MY CAR WAS WHEN I CAME OUT:
I do not know what transpired in that parking lot while my doctor was spelunking in my nether regions. I admit, I wasn't giving it much thought; I had other things on my mind. But you know, to get ragey enough to bother writing a note like that takes some level of anger that just can't be good for a person. I mean, you're already at the doctor's. You think maybe when she asks you 'any changes in your health, changed any prescriptions, doing any street drugs, how much do you drink' and you say 'no', you might want to add, "however, I do get indescribably crazy nutzoid when someone parks beside me so I leave them fairly filthy notes to call attention to their unacceptable behavior."

The doctor might say to you, "well, Crazy Nutzoid, how can you be sure the person you're blaming is actually the culprit?" But Crazy Nutzoid won't pause to consider that, because I have a feeling this person is ALWAYS right and if their family is reading this, they're nodding and groaning. You know who this is. Or someone just like him.

And for the record? That's Ms. Douchebag to you.

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Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

"...spelunking in my nether regions..."? Kinda puts the d'bag slight into perspective, doesn't it?

April 05, 2012 12:04 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I also got a tetanus shot.

April 05, 2012 12:05 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

OK, I'll bite (figuratively; why? No one just gest a tetanus shot - unless you were asked when you last had one and said, "Remember when some dude rolled away the stone...?"

April 05, 2012 12:10 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Nah, I was just due. I am totally ready to go step on rusty nails now.

April 05, 2012 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I guess after a week of no blogs, you are forgiven for handing us such a good one! That is hilarious. I can't believe somebody would actually take the time to find the paper and write that and think it would do any good. Or did somebody get that somewhere else and has just been holding on to it, waiting for the right time to 'pay it forward' and pass it along to someone else. There doesn't seem any reason for it to be on your car based on the picture but who knows how many other cars came and went while you were in your appt?
You can't make this stuff up....life is just too unpredictable.

Hey, are the Trojan robots going to the 'World Championships' in Missouri at the end of the month? MMR went crazy to raise money this week after their win in the Toronto Regional last weekend. I"m hearing that they found it and am just waiting for the note home that says how much each kid needs to be part of the trip.

April 05, 2012 12:18 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

"I do not know what transpired in that parking lot while my doctor was spelunking..."

This shows a shocking lack of knowledge of what consumes a trained professional's day(s). Although wikipedia defines spelunking as (and I am quoting here...) "the recreational pastime of exploring wild (generally non-commercial) cave systems."

Recreational? I think not. Wild cave systems? I suppose that would have to be an opinion left to a trained professional. And I do not feel qualified to comment.

Thanks for a giggle.

April 05, 2012 12:51 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Did they find any stalagmites in your wild cave system?

April 05, 2012 12:56 PM  
Anonymous Butlin said...

That tetanus shot will come in handy while building a deck. Everyone seems more interested in sperlunking, so I'll say it... parking job looked fine! By the way, I use the same doctor's office. I usually park in the diagonal spots on the other side and leave the ones in front for seniors.

April 05, 2012 1:17 PM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

This was by someone who saw you go in. How your car is parked when you took the picture isn't relevant. A lot of time passed by then. How it was when you went in the office would probably reveal who wrote it. Obviously the medical car was the culprit. The guy had no class or patience.

April 05, 2012 1:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was fun. I think I will drive down to Florida and see how many people see my car and ding it. Happens lots here. A new one on my rear bumper. it looks like it was cause by a license plate bolt smacking me rear. Talk to y'all (practing my American accent)in a couple of weeks.

April 05, 2012 2:33 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Okay. This is ridiculous.

Christopher just heard me talking on the phone to Roz about this whole douchebag parking note. He looked up and said 'that note has been on there for three days. Me and Pam got it at the mall'.

Uhm, what? He said some doofus in a Smart car left in on windshield. He said the idiot had tons of room. I tend to agree with this; I've driven Smarties. You can park them inside a thimble and have room to get out.

I asked why he left the note on the windshield. He shrugged. I asked why he read the note and put it back on the windshield. He shrugged again.

Well, at least this solves the mystery.

But someone is still pretty turdish for putting a rude note like that on a car. Not polite, not Smart. I mean, have they seen how big Christopher is?

April 05, 2012 5:53 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

What I don't get is how you drove around with it on your car and you didn't notice it.

Heh, heh, heh

And, I'll hold my comments on your spellunking adventure.

April 05, 2012 6:20 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

April 05, 2012 6:23 PM  
Blogger OmemeeOzzie said...

Stoopid typo...

C'mon... wade in. sis! You know that you're dying to!

April 05, 2012 6:24 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

She is aware this a battle she will enter into at her own risk.

April 05, 2012 6:38 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I have to side with Rozetta Stone on this one. How did you drive around for 3 days and not notice the note (three words out of four with the root of "not." You can't not notice.) "I sat for a moment, and considered my detective skills." I think you may have wasted your time.

Nancy Drew never had kids so i'm guessing this didn't ever happen to her.

April 05, 2012 8:41 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I don't think I've driven the car this week. I had the Fiat till Monday. Wait. I drove to my tango lesson. But you could only see the note from the front of the windshield, passenger side, outside. It slopes so inside you couldn't see it. Plus I've had a migraine for 3 days. And did I mention the tango lessons?

April 05, 2012 8:52 PM  
Anonymous Padraig said...

When I read about Christopher's news, I laughed out loud (I know I'm supposed to write "lol", but I hate these abbreviations; anyway I always thought it meant "lots of luck"). I have two questions:
1: does this mean that you have to give up your douchebag status?, and
2. just how small is the doctor?

April 06, 2012 8:53 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...

methinks she sounds a little defensive.

April 06, 2012 11:07 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...

and I also think you may owe an apology to the older Slavic men out there with cheap pens.

April 06, 2012 11:09 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

No. My detective skills hold. Christer didn't see who left it. I only have to alter that to older, Slavic man with a cheap pen...who drives a Smart car. Must be thousands of them out there.

And, quit saying 'methinks'.

April 06, 2012 11:14 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Buzz: I never had douchebag status. Someone called me one, but that doesn't make me one. Trust me; in the comments on the Globe site for my column today, someone said my writing was the worst he'd ever seen, painful to read, and like a grade nine student.

So, even though the Globe calls me a writer, that doesn't mean I am one. I'm going to call this The Douchebag Theory from now on.

April 06, 2012 11:17 AM  
Anonymous buzzwhack said...

And I never said you had douchebag status...that was Padraig. I did say whoever wrote it had no class.

April 06, 2012 11:34 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Oops! Sorry! I get muddled up sometimes typing in this little box thing.

But I love that you guys are now ratting each other out;)

April 06, 2012 11:38 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Padraig did it!! It was Padraig!!!

And my words are Arliel Latillg. I think I went to high school with her.

April 06, 2012 12:12 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

It's cuz I said 'Slavic'. That reminds me. I need Arlene to make perogies.

Arlene? Are you listening?

April 06, 2012 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

You know, I can't quite agree with the "older dude" thing. I've never heard the word "douchebag" uttered by anyone much over 30. It seems so high school...

On the other hand, who calls people "douchebag" anymore? And they took the time to use actual punctuation. No-one under 30 uses punctuation...

Wow, I'm almost impressed. A real comma - in a parking rage note, even. Now that's style...

April 08, 2012 12:46 AM  
Blogger DJW said...

Um, did the Dr. wear one of those helmets with a light on it?

April 08, 2012 8:34 AM  

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