June 8, 2012

Leaving the asylum to the inmates

I'm on page 5 of undecipherable notes I'm leaving for the boys. I don't know why I bother; they're gonna see the 'you both are going to have to scoop litter *once*' and quit reading. This is the longest stretch away for me; two weeks. They began celebrating as soon as plans were finalized. They are calling this their vacation. From me. A vacation from me. Brats.

I realized I don't own shorts, so I got some of Ari's old ones. He watched me iron them, and asked what I was doing. I call them hand-me-ups. They look kind of cruddy, but I reckon everything looks better if it's ironed. Yes, that's what I reckon.

I'm telling them things like 'if you see the cat barf first, clean it up. Don't pretend you don't see it'. This won't work, until the day before I come home and they're knee deep in cat barf and finally realize they have to do it. I've left them each some cash, and a grocery kitty. I should have just given it all to the pizza place. I have begged them to eat fruit. They will eat Doritos. I have left lots of milk and juice. They will buy root beer.

I actually went and got a pedicure today. That's like, my third one, ever. She asked what colour polish I wanted. I hesitated, wondering what I'd be wearing the next few weeks. My toes are now army pants green. I think they call it something else. But I realized I'd packed 3 pairs of army pants, in various styles. That's me, a style sensation from coast to coast.

The first installment of my hypermiling extravaganza is here. I'm actually pretty curious, and really anticipating this. I love finding things out first hand. I think this is a cool opportunity, and you all know I'll report back the truth. Commenters on the site are already getting crabbyapplesauceface about it, which I find odd; I think most people would dive at a chance to do, well, anything, in a heartbeat. Isn't that what life's all about? I've committed to the journey, and I'm looking forward to it. I can't stand armchair quarterbacks - if you want to know something, what better way than to dive right in? I'm lucky I have chances like this.Check the Globe site for blogs I'll be filing as I go. I'll try to check in here, too, but my technical abilities will no doubt be challenged.

Oh! We're driving a spanky new VW Passat. Alex Deborgorski, the ice road trucker, and I are the two in for the whole haul. This is going to be a hoot. We'll be taking orders from John and Helen Taylor, the hypermiling experts. And Roz? Don't worry. If I think I'm in danger, I'll be putting the boot into it. I'm a driver first...

If you're on Twitter, follow me at TweeetLorraine. Yeah, three 'e's. I'll be snarking away on there, too.....

I shall keep you all posted!

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Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I am sooooo happy that I get to drink root beer for the next two weeks.

June 08, 2012 10:01 PM  
Anonymous Lesley said...

It's much easier to clean up while still warm and steaming, than to chisel it off later.
Cat puke I mean.
Drive safe.

June 08, 2012 11:16 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Roz - is she gone yet? What is our first topic?

June 09, 2012 8:25 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

No. She is cursing and swearing because she has to bring another suitcase, finally remembering that they're going through the Rockies and it gets chilly at night.


June 09, 2012 9:00 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Oh, and nice to know it's 9am of the first day, and you're already here waiting...for me to be gone.

June 09, 2012 9:01 AM  
Anonymous PJ said...

It's 4:06 p.m., she must be gone by now! PARTY! Pass the root beer and Doritos.

So, anybody taking bets if she makes to the end of the trip before snapping and flooring it and trying to pass everything in sight?

June 09, 2012 4:12 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Eurgh - was that cat barf I just stepped in...?

Mmm...Doritos...and hey - root beer too! Anyone for some wasabi peas? Guaranteed to take a layer of skin off your tongue. Awesome...

June 09, 2012 10:51 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

Roz... Roz.... ROZ!!!!!

Does your sister know that Alex Deborgorski has ELEVEN children? I would find this worrisome if I was going to spend 2 weeks in a teeny tiny car with him.

Hope she packed her cement pants.

June 10, 2012 8:38 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Her parts are clogged, remember? She said so herself.

June 10, 2012 8:50 AM  
Anonymous Lorraine said...

I can hear you all.

June 10, 2012 8:54 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...


I already warned her about that Alex dude. As soon as I told my husband who she was driving with he said "oh, that's the guy who accidentally ripped off a car door in India on that driving show and quit". I immediately called her, fretting - because that's what I do before every adventure. She assured me it'll be fine. Whatever. I did my duty.

Pass the Doritos...

June 11, 2012 8:58 AM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Where'd everybody go?

June 12, 2012 10:21 AM  
Anonymous jmd said...

Tell us something embarrassing about Lorraine, and we will all pile on.

June 12, 2012 10:24 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

I'm in Brussels. And if anyone tells you that the national dish here is Brussels Sprouts on a Belgian waffle they'd be LIARS!!! I tried ordering that and they looked at me like I was a three headed alien wearing cement pants.

It would appear that the Belgian sense of humour may have got thrown out with the bath water.

June 12, 2012 2:22 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

To be honest, it's really hard to embarrass Lorraine. I just wrote "embarrass" three times as it looked wrong each time. I hate it when that happens. Nearly as much as I hate that stupid new Nissan commercial. The one where every doofus gets the same price as the next doofus. My husband now has to mute the TV when it comes on to avoid a Roz Rant. I guess he hates Roz Rants even more than I hate that stupid commercial.

June 13, 2012 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Zena said...

I've found that lately I have to check the spelling of words I've known how to spell for years because they suddenly don't look right. It's weird.

Or I will inadvertently type the wrong form of a word (like their instead of they're) even though I'm an inveterate grammar/spelling/punctuation nerd. This never used to happen with pen and paper.

Mind, that was back before the last ice age, so maybe I'm just getting old and stupid(er)....

I'm not going to even comment (I'm a liar too, you'll note...) on trying to decipher the increasingly convoluted anti-robot conundrums they keep throwing at us.

June 13, 2012 2:23 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

I too tend to be a bit of a spelling/grammar nerd and I heard a good one yesterday. (went something like this)

What did the Grammar nerd say when trying to calm someone down:

There, their, they're

I kind of liked it as it drives me nuts when people use them incorrectly and usually interchangeably. Arlene - where are you in this conversation?

June 13, 2012 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris Brown (not the fellon), If you have the cement pants in Brussels, what is Lorainne suppose to use on her trip?? Wayne

June 13, 2012 5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love that one Roz! I see spelling mistakes and they jump out at me as if they were bolded and written in red pen. Drove my boss nuts when I would correct him but the second I looked at something he sent I couldn't help myself. Told him that I was helping him to look good.
I'm showing my age but the kids these days are so reliant on spell check that they miss when its just the wrong word like 'aloud' vs 'allowed' or 'except' and 'expect' I see so many and it drives me crazy!

June 14, 2012 4:16 PM  
Anonymous jmd said...

I saw an ad for an exercise device that would strengthen your abominable muscles. I'm not sure where they are located.

June 14, 2012 4:20 PM  
Anonymous Padraig said...

What can you expect when spell check is spelt Spelchek?

June 14, 2012 10:19 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Spelchek - isn't that some Russian spaceship or something...?

June 15, 2012 4:30 PM  

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