July 31, 2012

You have mail. Strange, strange mail

I can't help it; even when I get an email clearly marked 'spam', if it pops into my inbox and doesn't go directly to junk, I open it. I don't click on links - I'm curious but not stupid - but oh my, I love my weird emails. This one came in a few weeks ago. I will cut and paste it, verbatim:  

someone told me I was drunk. I can tell you right now that I can still drive home because I'm drunk, not with alcohol, but with love for you. I have forwarded you an eCard to let you accept how I feel. take a look at your message Here and nothing could be done, so I went around to the back to see not survive this night. God keep you, dear, and God help me! unless you are near enough to see down. The houses of the old town-- 

  I do not know who it was from, but I think I really, really like them. And while I can totally understand someone being drunk on their love for me (shut up; I know, I know, but delusional is the new black), it is the 'houses of the old town' that are keeping me glued. I am such a fan of random. This email is like a Jackson Pollock painting, whom I adore, because it too makes no sense unless your brain is already a little addled from something - booze, love, gas fumes.

I also keep getting emails in Arabic. I think they're quite pretty, but of course I have no idea what they say. I open them, and the pretty letters are all upside down and the note is jammed over to the right hand side and starts at the bottom because everybody knows Arabic letters are like Australian drains, and go the opposite way of ours. After receiving about 6 mysterious emails, I finally dropped the content into Google translator, eager to hear if someone was drunk on their love for me, but in Arabic.  

Need a loan? Get personal advice service today to help you get exactly the loan You need the best conditions Let the experts handle your credit applications, including a wide range of financing solutions Creative and supplementary credit funding, making a tender among banks, monitoring the recruitment process and more For more information and an initial meeting at no cost click here : This email was sent to lsommerfeld@cogeco.ca

I'm going to stop translating things.


Anonymous buzzwhack said...

Lorraine, I'm so sorry you got my reconciliation letter to my girlfriend. Please delete it and my humble apologies. It was wasted effort on my part after all because she had the teeth of a chinchilla and what I thought was old town was actually dog town. Only she was no white palace!!But I digress.., please delete and the others if you can erase that letter from your memory I will be eternally grateful....

July 31, 2012 12:36 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

I only get Viagra adverts. My trusty telemarketers offer to clean my ducks and improve my credit rating.

Gawd, what did we do before computers & telemarketers.

July 31, 2012 2:10 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

Before y'all jump my butt, I did spell it ducts but auto correct got me.

July 31, 2012 2:12 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Buzz was probably composing an email to you offering to clean your ducks...


July 31, 2012 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, all of that should slow since a large part of India is in the dark. No hydro, no computers and no telemarketers. Maybe Lorraine can get some proper service from her internet / cell / TV suppliers.


July 31, 2012 3:10 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I just make my sons fix everything. And they say silly things like "what are you gonna do when we move out?" and I say "cheer".

July 31, 2012 3:13 PM  
Anonymous Roz said...

So is that why the phone has been so quiet? Hallaleuyah! Why do I always feel the need to use that unspellable word? Where the hell is stupid spell check when I need it?


July 31, 2012 3:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When we move out....does that still happen anymore? I"ve got a step-25 yr old still at home,university educated, working a minimum wage job with no desire to go anywhere. The four younger ones keep asking when he is leaving but my guess is, nobody is going anywhere soon.
I do my best to give them the worst jobs to do around the house but they are smart enough to know a full fridge and bills paid are a pretty good deal.
I may have to resort to Sinbads' advice and start walking around the house naked to get them to leave!

July 31, 2012 4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In our family, we use the word "dork" quite a bit. When my lads were young, I told them it meant that I loved them and they were silly. The word got lots of use as I single-parented through the early teen years, but let's day the "I love you and you are silly" was not always the intended definition. When I started dating my now husband, he quickly adapted to our dorky ways and soon everyone at his office was using the word. After being called a dork many times in our early dating years, he gave it right back to me in the form of "Dorkette". I now get spam addressed to "Dear Dorkette" offering me everything from money and cars to bored housewives who want sex. I wonder what they think my middle name it?

August 01, 2012 11:34 AM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

There is no greater adventure in life than putting your hard earned dollars into the hands of people who can neither spell or punctuate.

Sign me up!!

August 02, 2012 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Zena said...

Figures that auto-correct would be able to misspell 'ducts' but not have a clue about 'hallelujah'...

I love those spam mails that have been popped through the internet translator probably half a dozen times. They end up sounding so poetic (I've actually co-opted a few lines of some of them through the years...!). One of our favourites was "I have a ball situated in my brain cage." See if you can figure out what they were talking about!

Anyone remember the "Lost in Translation" segment they used to do on CBc's DNTO a few years back? They'd put the lyrics of well-known songs into a translator (I think it was a different language every week) and then translate them back into English. And then listeners would have to try to figure out what the original song was. It was pretty funny...

Maybe that's all poetry really is: intentional mis-translation...

August 03, 2012 3:55 PM  
Blogger Chris Brown (not the felon) said...

No idea. Something in my skull. One day when I'm young and good looking... (aka: never) I will figure it out.

We're heading to PEI for a week so I won't be able to attend for a while. Have fun, everyone.

August 03, 2012 9:16 PM  

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